Becoming a Better Listener
“I just don’t know what to do!” I’m sure everyone has heard this phrase from a close friend at one point in their life. It’s a hard line to respond to, and even harder to give a satisfying answer. Two management tools called active listening and co-active coaching have great application in both the workplace and personal relationships.
Active listening has three simple tenets:
- Remove all distractions
- Focus on speaker’s sounds and signs
- Feed back that you have understood
Body language is an important part of face to face communication and the wrong gestures or expressions can cheapen a genuine interest in someone’s conversation. A quick glance over at someone walking or a deep sigh could portray you don’t care about what the other person is saying. When you talk to someone, square your body up to them, sit up or stand properly, and make eye contact to ensure them that you are focusing your full attention on them.
As important as showing the other person in the conversation that you are interested is truly listening to what they say. Instead of trying to analyze and fix their issue on the spot, listen and watch for nonverbal communication from them. Body language on the speaker’s side can convey frustration or embarrassment that may clue you in to a key part of the story. Rather than thinking of the conversation as a problem to be solved, focus on understanding the story from their point of view.
Once the speaker has fully explained the situation, show them that you have been listening by repeating back what you have heard. While this may seem unnecessary, ensuring that you correctly understand what has been said will lead to a better conversation. If the person does not think you have the correct sense of what is happening, ask questions to gain more context until you have the entire story.
Understanding someone’s perspective is only the first part of the issue. While giving your personal advice may be the right thing to do, people ultimately must make their own decisions. When this is hard to do, co-active coaching may be the answer.
Co-active coaching involves asking powerful questions. Rather than having simple yes or no answers, powerful questions make a person focus on the issue and often bring out a more open ended conversation. Use these questions to bring out more insight, and to try to guide the speaker to their own resolution.
Examples of powerful questions are:
- How do you suppose you could improve the situation?
- Where do you go from here? When will you do that?
- What will you take away from this?
- What if it works out exactly as you want it to?
While these two tools are helpful in many conversations, remember that the important part is understanding someone’s situation. An incorrectly used powerful question can seem awkward and robotic, just as full eye contact and repeating back exactly what someone has said to them can shut a speaker down.
A great way to practice these tools is to explain them to a friend and take turns bringing up real life issues you have. Think about what parts of the conversation help you or bring you closer to resolution and try to emulate this in your own. Once you have done a couple sessions with a friend, bring it into your everyday life. Just remember, a genuine conversation should not be a recital of these techniques, but instead a balanced flow of attentiveness, understanding, and mutual respect.
