On dealing with negativity bias at work and in life
Two weeks ago during our regular 1:1, at my own request, my manager and I talked about the designer competence matrix at Etsy Design and how I could improve and be better.
He walked me through my strengthens, which were highlighted in green, and the areas of development in blue. I remembered being fixated on all the blue in the document during our conversation, and noticing the praises and acknowledgement he gave drowned out by the loudness of my internal blame: Not good enough. Not thoughtful enough. Not this. Not that.
After I had some time to calm my own anxiety, I realized that overwhelming feeling of failure was a result of my own negativity bias. According to Wikipedia:
The negativity bias refers to the notion that, even when of equal intensity, things of a more negative nature (e.g. unpleasant thoughts, emotions, or social interactions; harmful/traumatic events) have a greater effect on one’s psychological state and processes than do neutral or positive things.
Sure, negativity bias was crucial to our survival since the beginning of time — we attended to threatening signals to avoid danger and disasters.
Fast-forward to modern times, when our lives for the most part are no longer made of life-or-death moments, negativity bias has gradually become a barrier to achieve happiness.
We’ve all been there, whether on the receiving end of a complaint email, a negative app store review, or on the witness end for our friends. My friend A recently told me a story about an awkward encounter with her former roommate L.
They met at grad school, became friends and decided to share an apartment together. During the next two and a half years, they hosted Halloween parties, went to concerts and cooked dinner. When A got married, L sent a kind, thoughtful note.
Perhaps the roommate-ship was just a tad too long, their friendship went sour and left each other unheard and hurt. A few months after they parted ways, A and L met at a mutual friend’s party. There were small talks — how L found a new job and how A loved her new neighborhood. As A later told me, she felt fake congratulating her on the new job, because she could no longer sincerely connecting with L.
I didn’t know what exactly happened at the end of their roommate-ship, but just like her, I have held onto the hurt and shut that kind note, that concert and that dinner into the draw and put a lock on it.
Time perhaps is the ultimate healer of wounds, but tapping into positive memories and energies can help build compassion and strengthen in moments of weakness. A few tips that I’ve found helpful:
- Always list the positive alongside the negative. It’s so helpful to see two lists side-by-side, and sometimes we didn’t realize how much longer the positive list is.
- Analyze and label the responses caused by negativity bias. Our emotional response to criticism and feedback isn’t always flat, like pure sadness or anger. Rather, our response is complex and multi-layered. Once we look deeper, we can label each layer and put it into the bucket where it belongs: trash immediately (the most useful), to-do, hold until later.
- Share the moment. We are rarely alone in situations like this, knowing that others had or will go through the same struggle makes the pain a lot easier to swallow. In fact, the brilliant Brené Brown wrote a book on how to develop shame resilience, and being able to discuss what shames us is the very first step.
- If the mountain is important enough for you to climb, and the obstacle in front of you is too overwhelming to overcome. Don’t give up. Switch up. There are often other routes.
I’d love to hear how you cope with negativity bias. Send comments to kuan [at] etsy [dot] com or find me on twitter @kuanluo.
