Here’s How to Triumph in a Toxic Office
From Uber to Thinx, the tech world is suffering from an infestation of office bullies. But you can survive.
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There’s a reason The Office was so popular on (at least) two continents: Many of us can relate to dysfunctional bosses, loopy coworkers, and political scheming that can dwarf the rhythms of business. Recently, stories about employee drama are everywhere — from the White House to Fox News to Uber. But what happens when you find yourself in a such a conundrum? Let’s dig in.
About six months ago I got my dream job — a marketing position at a buzz-y tech company that, while still technically a “startup,” is already thriving. I was excited about the creative challenges. Just one problem: I’m miserable, as the culture here is really untenable. My boss routinely undermines me in public, bullies me in meetings, and acts buddy-buddy with my (mostly bro-ish) coworkers. Beyond that, this seems to be the way the company operates. I’ve regularly heard other employees complain about bullying — and I’ve felt pressure to undermine my direct reports, just to fit in. I’m wondering what I can do to help shift the culture — and how will I know if I need to change, or to call it quits and move on?
I once worked at a company where the air was just dead — there was absolutely no interest in the collective culture, not even any lip service to it. I had one ally, but we quickly figured out no one else cared about the things we did. We held our noses to get through the days until we could find something else.
Trust me, this is not the way to go. It eats at your soul.
A company culture can be a reflection of the company’s competitive position: Is it an underdog or market leader? Is it reinventing itself or disruptive? But an even more important component of culture comes from the leaders, and the values they express and demonstrate. Beware the company that shows off its aspirational values endlessly, but rarely shows them in dealing with employees or customers.
So I have to pause to ask if you studied up on any of this before you took the job (and did you meet your future boss?! Was he on mood stabilizers that day?). Your first impressions of a place and the people count for a lot, and you should trust your gut — if something seems off, pay attention. A friend recently turned down a very good offer because everyone she met, all of whom gave her a good sense of the business and her role, had no emotional affect. No one had anything to say about the leadership or their coworkers. Even though the job came with a nice boost in salary and title, she said no — and has no regrets. (For anyone currently assessing new gigs, here’s my checklist to suss out prospective employers.)
But you can’t always “read the room” before you’re hired — and now you’re inside. You mention that you manage people, which means you have colleagues at the same level. If any seem like kindred spirits, seek them out one by one to get acquainted. If you get a good read on their humanity, do a sotto voce check of your observations. Those with some tenure might shed light on why this behavior seems rampant, and what or who are behind it. It’s possible that several of you can come up with tactics to discourage the bullying — if nothing else, by encouraging and rewarding more positive behavior and recognition for genuine good work, and making sure your teams see the difference. You don’t mention it, but the “pressure” you feel about bullying people yourself is worth studying. Where does the pressure seem to come from — and are there implied (or stated) repercussions if you don’t go along?
As for your own boss, ultimately you’re going to feel better if you can have a candid conversation broaching some of the behavior you’ve seen from him — even if you don’t get the outcome you want, you’ll have taken the high road. Try to arrange a quiet, closed-door conversation, even if it’s only for 15 or 20 minutes. If he has a big ego (surprise! Many bullies do), you might open with something like, “Help me understand your approach to management and motivation, as I want to do my best.” (People with egos and issues love that “help me understand” opener.) Then move on to say his approach is not the way to motivate you, implying that for him to look good, he should stop treating you like this. (I’ve used this very line, and it stopped the guy from being a jerk.)
Of course, there’s no guarantee this head-on approach will work, however polite and well-intentioned it may be. As for any collegial coworkers, even if a number of you devote yourselves to better behavior and more positive incentives, you may simply be outnumbered, run over by the weight of “we’ve always done it this way” or “this is who we are.”
If all else fails, there’s no shame in making your escape plan. You came in good faith and discovered that things were not what they seemed, and so you have to go. Ideally, you can find another job while you have this one, but not landing a new gig is not the reason to stay and suffer. Sometimes the timing just doesn’t line up. If you decide to go, your goal is to walk out with your dignity intact (e.g., avoid bullying) — and develop your story about why you left. Something along the lines of “Once I got into Company X, I found it wasn’t a good fit for me. Now I’m on the lookout for a new position / role that takes fuller advantage of my skills.” You may need to say a little more in interviews, but avoid dissing the company.
In other words, take the high road, even though the company didn’t. You’ll live more peacefully. Best of luck.
Irritated by misguided company culture and hapless coworkers? Send your professional quandaries to advice@backchannel.com.
