The Modern Home in the Age of Personal Electronic Devices
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driveway
(1) a paved surface in front of the home
- where upon leaving home, wi-fi strength begins to diminish, eventually disconnecting
- when arriving home, the place where you begin to get a wi-fi signal, and get excited to check Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, or other social media without using your cellular data plan
- where family members transport their personal electronic devices into or out of a car
(2) a concrete slab that covers telephone and cable wires, making it challenging for Internet service providers to replace damaged cables, forcing you to sometimes have “useless devices” for 24 hours or more during cable replacement and maintenance
garage
(1) a building attached to or separated from the home
- where a family member stands for 8–10 minutes to check email, texts, and social media before getting into the car to leave
- where upon arriving home, a parent checks her or his personal electronic device to see if the other parent has texted any requests to buy groceries, which would force that parent to unhappily get back into the car to go to the grocery store
(2) the storage space for family members’ old iPods, gaming systems, computers, computer displays, and/or computer printers
(3) location of the second refrigerator that does not have a touchscreen digital display
foyer
an entrance, hallway, or other area to leave mobile devices, laptops, and other personal electronic devices so each family member will remember to bring her or his device(s) with them, esp. for the next outing
- (with furniture) includes a stand or other table for setting personal electronic devices on | “I know I left my goddamn phone on the hall stand in the foyer. So where is it?”
foyer closet
storage space near the foyer, usually so full of unused and old VHS players, VHS tapes, video cameras, iPods, and gaming systems that guests’ coats can’t be hung up on hangers
guest bedroom
(1) where the old computer is stored for guests to access the Internet at a less-than-high-speed connection, on a 20th century operating system in a less-than-happy manner | “Glad you’ll be staying with us! But I’ll warn you now in case you need to check your email while you’re here: the guest bedroom has a computer, but it’s on Windows 98.”
(2) the furthest distance from the wi-fi router, making for a slow Internet connection
guest bed
the bed located in the guest room for hosting visitors overnight
- (on top of) storage space for old digital equipment to be sold on eBay
- (beneath) storage space for old personal electronic devices that have sentimental value
master bedroom
a room where parents are allowed to look at their personal electronic devices while in the master bed
master bed
(1) a piece of furniture upon which parents or a parent cannot fall asleep on at night because they have spent too much time staring at a bright screen, such as an iPhone, iPad, Kindle, or Android tablet, and the screen’s light has interrupted their circadian rhythm
(2) a flat surface where parents satisfy a Netflix binge while recovering from the flu, a cold, or other malady
(3) a place used for sleeping and an occasional recreational activity
alarm clock
a personal electronic device, such as a smartwatch, smartphone, iPod, iPad, tablet, or laptop with a noise-making feature to help you wake up | “ARGH! I’d love to throw that goddamn alarm clock across the room, but it’s my iPhone so I better not.”
master bathroom
a room where parents are allowed to look at their personal electronic devices while using the toilet or bathtub
child’s bathroom
(1) any bathroom where children are forbidden to take personal electronic devices into
(2) the bathroom where if personal electronic devices are found near a child (or a child is using one), a child (or the children) will lose any and all personal electronic devices for at least one day
child’s bedroom
the place where a child sneaks their personal electronic device into when parents are not paying attention or parents have fallen asleep
blanket
an invisibility cloak for hiding a child while she or he uses their personal electronic device in a bathroom or bedroom, or anywhere else they are forbidden from doing so
living room
(1) a large open space where everyone sits down on a sofa or lounge chair to look at their own personal electronic devices’ screens individually and independently, usually without talking to one another
(2) a storage/usage room for the television and/or DVD player
living room closet
storage space in the living room for old entertainment devices, such as outdated iPods and old VCRs, VHS tapes, and/or a VHS player
VHS Player
(abbreviation, video home system, trademark) a large, black, rectangular doorstop used for holding the living room closet door open
DVD player
a device that, when Netflix fails or the Internet connection goes down, can be used for watching movies | “Mom, can you show me how to use the DVD Player to watch a movie? This thing still works, doesn’t it?”
television
(1) a large electronic device for watching movies, news, or other shows via Roku, Apple TV, Fire TV Stick, or Google Chromecast, but since discontinuing cable, now only gets 4–8 stations at best if you’ve connected an antenna
(2) the large display that children wish was a touchscreen so it would be like a gigantic iPod or iPad for playing Minecraft | “Dad, is this ‘television thing’ broken? Nothing works when I touch it.”
nook
(1) (breakfast nook, kitchen nook, also kitchen bar, kitchen bar table) the library, study, and all-around homework area for the children
(2) Nook, NOOK, or nook, trademark
a Barnes & Noble e-reader and tablet that nobody in the household wants | “I’ll only ever use an iPad, so don’t even think about buying me a NOOK for my birthday. No NOOK, no thanks.”
kitchen counter
(1) a long and flat, waist-high surface for placing smartphones, iPods, iPads, and other personal electronic devices down on top of when charging
(2) what a parent leans against to tell Google Now or Siri what groceries are needed
(3) what a parent leans against when frantically texting the other parent what groceries are needed for a meal, while praying that the other parent will see the texts before arriving home sans groceries
kitchen pantry
(1) a small room or closet in which the high-speed Internet and wi-fi router is stored since the kitchen is centrally located in the house
(2) where you get the best wi-fi signal strength for watching Netflix and the added bonus of access to lots of snacky foods
microwave
a household appliance that when turned on interrupts the Internet wi-fi signal
- informal: internet killer (also net killa) | “Mom, would you turn off the net killa, I’m trying to watch a movie on YouTube.”
dining room
(1) a room dedicated to formal gatherings and meals, but since its conversion, now serves as a home office or art studio for professional and commercial endeavors, or arts and crafts or hobbies
(2) staging area for photographing stuff, such as old personal electronic devices, before listing them for sale on eBay
(3) area for preparing sold eBay items for shipping to buyers
dining table
a piece of furniture used for professional, commercial, and/or personal endeavors, esp. office work
back deck
(also back porch)
a closed, screened, or open area at the back of the home
- where most meals get eaten during nice weather since the dining room and/or dining table do not exist and/or are covered in homework and/or eBay for-sale items
- where family members long to use their laptop, smartphone, or tablet outdoors and in the sun with a calm breeze swooshing through their hair, but since a bird pooped on their personal electronic device the last time they tried this, they’re skeptical of the whole thing
window
an opening in a wall that allows natural light to enter a room or rooms, thereby creating glare on personal electronic device screens
curtains
shields to cover windows and reduce natural light that enters the home, thereby lessening glare on personal electronic device screens
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