Member-only story
Can You Really Understand Someone Who’s Not Like You?
Why Shared Feelings Matter More Than Shared Identities
My client was a young, black woman, anxious about fitting in to her new job, and worried that she’d never find anyone to love, with so few eligible black men available.
I wondered why she was seeing me.
I am a licensed counselor, but I am not, nor have I ever been a black woman. I was young once, but I’m not young now. I’ve started new jobs, but I haven’t been her, starting her new job. I’ve had my days when I thought I’d always be alone, but it was for different reasons. Why would she think I would understand her, much less say what her problem was, and have a good idea of what to do? And yet, as a therapist, I was called upon to empathize, diagnose, and treat someone with a different lived experience.
The Limits of Identity
Perhaps she sought a young, black female therapist but couldn’t find one. Most people these days seem to prefer folks who look like them, sound like them, and already believe what they believe. We have formed into groups, called identities, put up walls, and warned everyone not to come near. And yet, she has come to me and asked for my help.
