Discovering the Right Church Fit
Daunting challenges for both straight and gay Christians
There are many variables to consider before a church feels like “home.” Especially if you are devoted to Jesus and have dealt with evangelicalism, spiritual abuse, deconstruction, becoming an exvangelical, eschewing a denomination, attitudes toward gay marriages, and commitment to local churches.
That said, virtually all of the above variables also apply to straight Christians.
This article exposes my journey in trying to find contentment in a church. Read on — as you will relate in many ways to my story.
Devotion to Jesus
If you are like me, you are head-over-heels in love with Jesus! I have committed my life to be near Him, and Jesus has dedicated His life to be near me.
Jesus: “Remain in My love. If you keep My commands, you will remain in my love. This is my command: love one another as I have loved you.”
Jesus’ love is unconditional and permanent. He humbly accepts every person exactly as s/he is. Jesus treats all individuals with complete dignity, which is true for gays and the marginalized. He bestows compassion upon the world’s hurting people and then provides them with life-sustaining mercy.
That is the kind of love that every follower of Jesus, and I, am committed to providing to others.
In summary, it does not matter how many of the following variables you and I have experienced. The only thing that truly matters is that Jesus fully aligns with us. “He gets us.”
Evangelicalism
Approximately 20 percent of Americans are Evangelicals. The standard definition of being an Evangelical is to have committed one’s life to Jesus (i.e., became “born again”). Furthermore, Evangelicals believe that the Bible was inspired, infallible, and is the only source of Truth (this belief is known as “sola scriptura”). Additionally, Evangelicals are committed to telling others the “good news” about Jesus. And finally, Evangelicals tell others that Heaven is attainable only through one’s surrender to Jesus.
In recent years, Evangelicals have also acquired a reputation for being “culture warriors.” Such warriors view themselves as fighting for the very soul of America. They believe that America is “the good guys” and that the nation will succeed only if it commits itself to Evangelical tenants (this is known as “Christian Nationalism”). Furthermore, most Evangelicals believe that the Republican party best represents Evangelical ideals — and thus vote Republican across the board.
Many Evangelicals also believe in a patriarchal, white, straight family order. Patriarchal, as in the husband is the head of the house and the wife compliments his authority. Therefore, women should not be pastors or leaders. Likewise, evangelicals are staunchly anti-abortion. Since most Evangelicals are white and straight, issues like social justice for Blacks and gays are discounted. In short, Evangelicals want their men to be like John Wayne or Ronald Reagan. Furthermore, many Evangelicals believe they are in a war against progressiveness (e.g., anti-woke; anti-Black Lives Matter; anti-gay marriages; etc.).
Spiritual Abuse
Spiritual abuse is when others harm someone because of religious beliefs. For example, if a person is belittled, bullied, and even physically abused for not believing what the oppressor believes, such would be spiritual abuse. “Gaslighting” is also a form of spiritual abuse.
A common form of spiritual abuse is telling someone that God does not love the person unless he starts to [fill in the blank] and stops [fill in the blank]. No Christian wants to oppose God. Therefore, if he concludes that God does not love him — exactly as he is — then the man experiences deep shame. Shame leads to closetedness and a failure to be authentic. And lack of authenticity leads to addiction and sin-binging behaviors.
I began to recognize how common such abuse was for people who are out of step with evangelicalism. As a Licensed Professional Counselor and personal mentor to thousands of gay Christian men, I repeatedly learned of gay Christians who Evangelicals spiritually abused. For many of these men, their abuse was similar to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These men were scarred forever, often developing an aversive phobia against evangelicalism. Furthermore, many of these victims swore off evangelicalism, religion, and religious practices.
Deconstruction
Those Evangelicals who were spiritually abused by other Evangelicals became at odds with their bedrock Christian faith. These victims courageously began examining all of their Christian beliefs. These deconstructionists developed a posture for eliminating the dogmas and practices that they determined were not consistent with the very nature of Jesus.
Many deconstructionists had no objection to Jesus. He was still their savior, leader, friend, and advocate.
However, the deconstructionists began questioning the principle of sola scriptura. These Christians still found the Bible personally useful. Still, they did not consider each word and verse to be (in itself) holy Truth. They began placing confidence in additional sources of truth, such as personal experience, personalized enlightenment from the Holy Spirit, common sense, scientific discovery, and universal virtues.
Some replaced “sola scriptura” with “solus Jesus.” In other words, all Truth is found in the very nature of Jesus. And Jesus’ central character was to love all others. Thus, “holiness” and “sin” were deemphasized, while extending Jesus’ humble, servant, compassionate mercy became the bullseye.
Additionally, some deconstructionists began disbelieving in the dogma of “original sin.” Rather, they embrace the notion that all people are born in the image of Jesus. As such, they do not believe they are born with a carry-over sin (from Adam’s original sin in the Garden). Likewise, they do not think they are born with a sinful nature that exclusively leans into sinning. Rather, they believe they are born with free will to make choices — some of which will prove to be errors.
Ex-Evangelical (a.k.a. “exvangelical”)
Many evangelicals who were spiritually abused (and thus entered into some form of religious deconstruction) became embarrassed to be associated with evangelicalism. They viewed Evangelicals as black-and-white thinkers incapable of dealing with ambiguity or alternatives. They also viewed Evangelicals as having left Jesus for the trappings of cultural evangelicalism.
In short, these evangelicals became exvangelicals.
Exvangelicals became known for their centricity on Jesus and His love. They ceased using the Bible as though each word and verse were literally true and currently applicable. Rather, they used the Bible to allow the Holy Spirit to communicate wisdom. Exvangelicals developed a hunger for social justice — compassion and mercy for the marginalized. Exvangelicals also rid themselves of an “us versus them” way of thinking (a bedrock principle of evangelicalism) and replaced it with a “centered” posture. Centeredness involves finding commonality with all things associated with the center (i.e., Jesus and His ways) rather than tribal factions. Thus, exvangelicals are more ecumenical than evangelicals (i.e., encouraging the different Christian churches to unite).
In summary, exvangelicals swim upstream from Evangelicals’ need for tribes (e.g., denominations), sola scriptura, and cultural wars. Exvangelicals are confident in being rogues because they believe they are centered upon Jesus’ love.
Non-Denomination
As just stated, Evangelicals have a propensity for tribes. Evangelicals form dogmas, faith practices, and unique belief statements. As a result, instead of “being one” in Jesus, there are over 40,000 Christian denominations today.
All denominations ascribe to a particular set of beliefs and rules. Those who do not hold such thoughts are viewed as heretics. Those who do not conform to the rules are regarded as “disobeying authority” and thus kicked out.
Non-denominations are very different.
Non-denominations have the liberty of not adhering to ancient dogmas and catechisms. In contrast, “Mainline” and Evangelical denominations are formed by their differences. For example, Methodists are centered upon “holiness;” Baptists upon baptism; Episcopalians upon liturgy; etc.
In sum, non-denominations rebel against the existing Christian denominations.
Gay Marriage
There is no more divisive issue for Evangelicals than the permissibility of gay marriages. Virtually all Evangelical denominations forbid gay marriages. In contrast, many Mainline denominations (and some non-denominations) believe God ordains gay marriages.
If one is in a gay marriage, the couple wants to find a church “home” that feels like a home. They do not want to be treated as disordered, a “lesser-than,” and a heretic.
However, it is becoming increasingly popular for younger Evangelicals to question their church’s harsh stance against LGBTQ people. Such youngsters cannot fathom why Evangelicals vilify people with a same-sex attraction or gender nonconformity. Younger Evangelicals are migrating into Mainline Protestant denominations (many of which affirm gay marriages), or they become a “none” (i.e., no affiliation with any formalized Christian denomination). As younger adults age, their perspective on gay marriage changes the macro viewpoint of many Evangelicals.
Locality
When searching for the right church fit, it is understandable to want to find a church that is physically close to where you live. Often church-goers resign themselves to a nearby church rather than drive hours to a more natural fit.
There is something unique — even cohesive — about attending a church in person. There is an energy that is hard to replicate when one attends a local church.
Still, virtual churches (i.e., utilizing online presentations) are immediately accessible to anyone having enough “bars” on their phone or access to an online computer. The covid crisis demonstrated that people can still “attend” church from the privacy of their own homes!
My Journey
My quest to find the right fitting church has depended on one overriding factor: the discovery that I am gay.
Allow me to explain.
I had a born-again experience at age 22, which led to my sola scriptura belief about the preeminence of knowing and obeying all verses in the Bible. Thus, I studied the Bible and developed a traditional biblical worldview.
I exclusively attended Evangelical churches and exposed my kids to Evangelical principles. Finding the right church fit, for 45 years, involved finding an Evangelical church with an engaging lead pastor, plus good programs for my kids.
At age 30, my self-identity completely changed, as I acknowledged myself as a “homosexual.” Suddenly, I believed myself to be part of the “out” group instead of co-partnering with Evangelicals. I began hearing from Evangelicals how horrid gays are. They were portrayed as hedonistic, disordered, perverted, demon-possessed, and outlaws against God. I knew that such was not true of me. And for the first time in my life, I had ears to hear spiritual abuse.
I attempted to remove all vestiges of my same-sex attraction — only to repeatedly fail. I learned to stay closeted while in the military.
I also was a closeted vice president of America’s leading Evangelical ministry: Focus on the Family. After resigning from my position at Focus, I became one of their referred counselors for homosexual male clients. Quickly, I became convinced that “conversion therapy” was a fraud — so I counseled clients toward peace with their homosexuality. After I publicly declared my disdain for conversion therapy, I was fired as one of Focus’ counselors.
At this point in my life, I was certain of three truths: I am perpetually gay; Jesus loves me exactly as I am; and I will never leave Him.
Armed with those truths, I set about a deconstruction process. I scrapped my belief in sola scriptura, replacing it with solus Jesus; loving like Jesus became my telos and purpose of existence.
After abandoning sola scriptura and the dogma of original sin, it was clear that I was no longer an Evangelical. So, by default, I became an exvangelical.
As an exvangelical, I steered clear of denominational dogmas and catechisms. I was only comfortable with non-denominational churches.
When I married my husband (after my wife’s death), that was a complete separation from evangelicalism. My husband and I attempted to find a church home in Mainline Protestant denominations — but soon became unsettled by their dogmas.
So what became my church home? A non-denominational church that affirms gay marriages and is completely comfortable with exvangelicals. This church is not local, so I listen to my pastor’s sermons online. And if you are curious about this very unique church, you can go to Blue Ocean Church.
Closing
If you have ever wrestled with finding a good fitting Christian church for yourself (or your family), you have perhaps encountered evangelicalism, spiritual abuse, deconstruction, exvangelicals, non-denominational alternatives, and the issue of gay marriages.
I wish you the best in finding that “fits like a glove” church.
In your search, I encourage you to repeat this mantra constantly:
“Jesus loves me exactly as I am, and I will never leave Him. I demonstrate my love for Jesus by loving all others in His way.”
Dr. Mike Rosebush (he, him; Ph.D., Counseling Psychology) is a writer for Backyard Church and may be contacted at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
