Evangelicals: “I Am Telling You This for Your Own Good.” Me: “Oh, Really?”
Life lessons of a loving gay Christian
When someone you love tells you that gay marriage is a road to destruction, how do you respond?
Yesterday I had an exceptional, mutually loving chat with my very dear friend, John. He and I have had a deep friendship for the past three years, in which we conduct a Facebook video chat each month. John is without fail very kind to me, serving up Jesus-like love. When I am around John, I feel valuable and full of dignity. I believe John would say the same about me. John has even graciously hosted me at his home — an experience filled with hospitality and other-centered service.
John and I love Jesus more than we love our own lives. And John and I are gay.
Yesterday’s discussion involved my joy in my recent gay marriage. Well, John and I do not see eye-to-eye on the subject of gay marriage. While I prattled on and on about how delighted I am in my nuptial love, John patiently, stoically listened. He genuinely told me how happy he is for my happiness and that he wished my husband and me the very best in our future together.
John has always been authentic to me; likewise, me to him. Furthermore, we both feel safe to discuss anything with each other — knowing that affirmation will be forthcoming. But affirmation is not the same as agreement.
John genuinely acknowledged that the news about my gay marriage had left him feeling a bit hollow. Something very important to John had now been removed. Perhaps it was John’s belief in me that had lessened. And it pained John to hear my authenticity.
At one point, deep in our discussion, John said he was worried for me. And then John gently said a phrase that I often hear from evangelicals (gay or straight) who do not believe in gay marriages:
“Mike, I would be remiss and unloving if I did not warn you that your marriage will result in harm.”
I have heard this before. Glenn is another very close friend of mine (a friendship of nearly 30 years). Glenn is both evangelical and straight. And Glenn told me virtually the same words as John:
“Mike, if I know the bridge ahead of you has collapsed, I would be unloving if I did not warn you.”
My loyal, Brother-buddy Glenn strongly disagreed about my belief that God affirms gay marriages. Both John and Glenn considered it their duty (as a loving Christian) to make me aware that gay marriage is a road to grave harm. Furthermore, they believed that I needed to get off such a dangerous highway.
Don’t get me wrong. I am capable of acting foolishly — and wisdom is something in which I should continually seek. So, if both John and Glenn’s warning were absolutely true, then I would be a fool to continue my self-destructive pathway. For example, suppose these two close friends knew the unquestionable truth about gravity. In that case, they should do everything in their power to prevent me from jumping off a high bridge. Both of these godly men most certainly realize that I would be severely injured or killed if I jumped.
Respectfully, then, here are some of the retorts that I provided to my lifetime, supremely loyal, evangelical friends:
How can you be absolutely sure that my road to gay marriage will result in personal harm? And on what basis do you believe gay marriages are 100% doomed? If your certainty rests with God’s word, then please inform me of the verses that teach such an important “truth.” God seems to have this pattern of honoring people regardless of their marital configuration. For example, Abraham and David were polygamists, engaging in polyamory. So is the only “safe,” godly marriage, those that resemble our beloved patriarchs? Also, Jesus was single and celibate. So, is it always better for a man to never marry?
What exact harm does the road ahead bring? Are we talking about a challenging marriage, repeatedly engaging in conflict and selfishness, and only a 50% chance of lasting? If so, then you have just described a heterosexual marriage. Many evangelicals ignorantly declare that all gay marriages end in divorce. Sorry, fellas, but that simply is not the factual truth. Or, is the “harm” referring to a loss of salvation? Seriously, you evangelicals, do you believe that two gay Christian men will be barred from eternity with Jesus simply because they hold a gay marriage? Sadly, that is exactly what many of my evangelical friends believe.
Does Jesus standby with arms folded and petulantly scowling, “You made your bed — now go sleep in it!” What if, instead, Jesus uplifts gay marriages in His protective hands?
Is it possible that Jesus adores all marriages that resemble His marriage to the Church: other-centered and permanent. If so, then Jesus delights in my gay marriage (i.e., since my husband and I attempt to serve the other, until death do us part). Would it be consistent with Jesus’ pattern of dealing with marginalized people that He would extend them merciful kindness? Or do you evangelicals believe that Jesus always tells the hungry and homeless to “get lost” or to stone the adulterer? Well, instead, I believe Jesus holds my marriage with His strong, uplifted hands.
What if Jesus delights in gay marriages? If so, then, the road to gay marriage would be one of strength and sacrificial love. Imagine a beautiful bridge, fully strengthened in lasting steal, wires, and bolts. Imagine this bridge so safe to drive upon that scores of people traverse without incurring disaster. If that be the case, then John and Glenn’s warning to me is actually foolishness rather than the intended wisdom. To be precise, I would be a fool not to marry my beloved gay man! It just might be that my gay marriage is the accurate road that leads to abundant life — a pathway in which God intended for me all along. And wouldn’t that be nice?
I will always deeply love John and Glenn. These two men model Jesus’ type of love to me: generous, kind, merciful, and enduring. I hope my love for them has always demonstrated those same virtues. Despite our doctrinal differences, we choose to show dignity and sacrificial love to each other. I am truly a blessed man to have such loyal friends!
Rather than focus on differences in one dogma (i.e., gay marriage), I prefer to focus instead upon the following worldview in which we can easily agree:
Jesus is God. Jesus loves me exactly as I am, and He will never leave me. I will never leave Him. And I show my love to Jesus by providing other-centered love to each person who interacts with me. Amen.
Dr. Mike Rosebush is the founder/author of GAYoda and writer for Backyard Church. He has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology and is a retired Licensed Professional Counselor with 45+ years of mentoring thousands of gay Christian men. Read the complete set of articles here. You may contact Dr. Rosebush at mikerosebush75@gmail.com.
