“Gaslighting:” Beware!
Real-life examples from evangelical authorities
“Gaslighting” is a colloquialism wherein an authority figure (“gaslighter”) intentionally and repeatedly provides a narrative to a vulnerable person (“gaslightee”) to make the gaslightee question their sanity.
An all-too-common example is an evangelical (gaslighter) trying to convince a gay person (gaslightee) that his understanding of his sexuality is wrong and destructive.
If you are squeamish, you may want to skip this article. Beware: you are about to read real-life examples.
Overview. First, look at the above picture. The person on the left represents the gaslightee; the person on the right is the gaslighter. For purposes of this article, I will be focusing on a gay, male person as the gaslightee and evangelical authorities (i.e., pastor, parent, and spouse) as the gaslighters. Other types of people can easily be substituted, in either role.
Second, please know of my respect for my evangelical Brothers/Sisters in Christ. While we may have some profound differences in our understanding of how truth is obtained, I stand with you in our common zeal as followers of Jesus.
Finally, I appreciate and encourage providing the Good News of Jesus. Presenting one’s own story of deep love for Jesus can be a beautiful interchange to a person who requests such news. However, gaslighting does not resemble such a mutually agreeable and affirming conversation. Allow me to clarify the difference.
Gaslighting involves a disregard for the gaslightee’s dignity, personal beliefs, and boundaries. The gaslighter is determined to make the gaslightee question his beliefs, worldview, and even sanity. The gaslighter genuinely believes s/he is doing the gaslightee a favor — even an eternal gift. And yet, the evangelical gaslighter is presuming to be all-knowing and speaking for God. If the gaslightee disagrees, then the evangelical gaslights. Sheesh, evangelical gaslighting is an arrogant display of hubris and ego-exaggeration.
Accordingly, the gaslightee is often left feeling anxious, depressed, and even suicidal due to the gaslighting. Such is not, obviously, a “fruit of the Holy Spirit” nor an application of the Golden Rule. In most cases, the gaslighter has misused their authority position. Instead of understanding the gaslightee’s perspective, the authority person sometimes wants to crush the gaslightee’s self-esteem and confidence — and replace them with the gaslighter’s version of what to believe and how to live out that belief. While attempting to “speak the truth in love” (a.k.a., “irons sharpens iron”), there are underlying selfish motives behind the gaslighter’s insistence. For example, the gaslighter’s identity as an authority is maintained whenever a gaslightee submits to the gaslighter’s beliefs.
The following are examples of gaslighting from three evangelical authority figures: the gaslightee’s pastor, parent, and spouse. And in all three instances, for simplicity of description, I will describe the gaslightee as an adult gay man.
Pastor
An evangelical pastor (usually a male) has classically gone to an evangelical seminary. He entrusted himself to a “Sola Scripture” definition of truth. Sola Scriptura declares that the Bible alone is inspired by God and is inerrant (or infallible). The bible becomes a “rule book” — with the pastor as the expert of the rules.
Thus, Sola Scriptura pastors are prone to presume homosexuality to be a disorder — a “lesser than” condition compared to being straight. The pastor may have compassion for the gay man. However, the pastor believes the gay man will face lasting harm if his gayness is not corrected. And the pastor’s remedies have ranged from encouraging a sexual orientation change, to discouraging the declaration of one’s gay sexual identity, to requiring celibacy as an automatic “calling.” The posture of the pastor is resolute: he knows God and the truth better than the gay man (who is made to feel unworthy). The superiority of knowledge, and threats of disobedience, become common.
Here are a few gaslighting statements from a pastor:
· “I understand the scriptures — and anyone who has truly studied this topic would agree with all that I am telling you.”
· “Look at what you have done with your life: depression, anxiety, and worse. It is obvious you need to change your gay lifestyle.”
· “I would love to use you more in the church, but unless you truly repent of your sin of homosexuality, our staff and congregation will not be able to trust you.”
Evangelical pastors have been known to declare the gay man to be demon-possessed. Accordingly, an exorcism is performed. When the exorcism fails to remove same-sex attraction, the man is accused of siding with Satan — and told to leave the church.
Other evangelical pastors have told the gay man that he can be a church member — even hold positions of authority — as long as he does not call himself “gay.” Thus, the gay man is led to believe that God does not accept him if he continues to hold a “gay identity.”
Some evangelical pastors presume sinful behaviors simply because the man says he is gay. Immediate assumptions are made about the gay man engaging in promiscuous anal intercourse or fellatio — even when the gay man is abstinent. Additionally, some pastors presume that if the gay man likes to work with children, he must be a pedophile. All such presumptions are forms of gaslighting — attempting to discredit the gay man’s morality.
Parent
Evangelical parents often have a virtuous desire to raise their children to love and honor Jesus. However, sometimes the parent’s self-esteem and reputation are built upon raising “the perfect kids.” Thus when a son comes out to such parents, they are likely to deny such a possibility. Likewise, parents may presume that life as a gay person will be devoid of joy and fulfillment — and demand their child “give this up” for his benefit. Furthermore, parents naturally want their children to “join them in heaven.” Gaslighting parents may view gayness as the “unpardonable sin” that will bar their child from eternity with the parents in heaven.
Here are some gaslighting statements from evangelical parents of a gay person:
· “You are not really gay. Give it time, date women, and you will grow out of this awkward phase.”
· “I am only doing you the favor of warning you that ‘the bridge ahead has collapsed’ and you are headed for destruction! One day you will thank me for rescuing you.”
· “I cannot believe you are calling yourself ‘gay.’ Do you know the embarrassment that this causes us? Your father could even lose his job with the church if the wrong person hears you are gay!”
Some evangelical parents have been mentored in the importance of applying “tough love.” Thus, they give their gay son an ultimatum: either cease with all gay dating or acting out — or you can no longer live in the parents’ home. In essence, the parents have condemned their child to homelessness. Here are some horrifying statistics:
· 9% of all LGBTQ youth have literally been kicked out of their home.
· 20–40% of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ. The percentage rises in cities known to have large numbers of evangelicals.
· 62% of homeless youth have attempted suicide.
[All statistics were cited from “Guiding Families of LGBT+ Loved Ones: For Every Pastor and Parent and All Who Care”]
Furthermore, evangelical parents sometimes refuse to attend (or even acknowledge) their gay son’s marriage to a gay man. Can you imagine, as a parent, intentionally boycotting your son’s happiest moment in life? Well, boycotting their son’s wedding is exactly what many evangelical parents do. Even worse, such parents will refuse to have the married couple stay in their home (or in the same bedroom together) after marriage. And the ultimate bizarre gaslighting of parents: informing the gay son that he is no longer a member of the family unless he divorces his husband. What??
Spouse in a mixed-orientation marriage
The straight wife of a gay husband has some inherent issues that she needs to resolve. Commonly such problems include:
· “What is it about myself that made a gay man select me?”
· “I must not be physically attractive enough; otherwise, my husband would naturally be aroused by my body.”
· “I need to stay married to my gay husband — because I cannot survive alone. Therefore, he must change to make this marriage tolerable.”
Such faulty thinking can cause a wife to make certain demands upon the husband (i.e., forms of gaslighting) to force the husband to “change his sexual orientation” or, in the least, repress it. Here are some actual examples of coercive behavior from straight wives inflicted upon their gay husbands.
· The gay husband is required to receive years of “sexual orientation change efforts” to become straight. The wife gaslights the husband into believing he is perverted, unacceptable, and insane in his “choice” of being gay.
· The wife posts bible verses throughout the house that “teach” the gay husband that “homosexuality is a sin.”
· The wife bans the husband from paying attention to a known gay character. For example, whenever a gay character appears in a television scene, the wife changes the channel.
· The wife accuses the husband of committing “mental adultery” whenever he looks at an attractive man.
· The wife presumes the husband is secretly engaging in homoromantic or homoerotic behavior. So she requires the husband to take a yearly lie-detector test to “reveal” his guilt (or at least to deter the husband from engaging in the wrong behaviors).
Do the above examples sound bizarre or abusive? Yep, they are. And yet, the straight wife sincerely believes she is doing her gay husband a favor by imposing such requirements. The wife hopes that the gay husband will “come to his senses” and deny his homosexuality — for the health of the marriage.
Furthermore, evangelical straight wives may believe they are “doing God’s work” by not only correcting their husband’s “sinful” ways but also by restoring him into the Kingdom of God. And such wives would truly be shocked if they knew their husband’s actual status: that he deeply loves Jesus and that Jesus deeply loves him exactly as he is.
Jesus is the only human who fully understands “truth.” Jesus alone can detect the insanity of a human’s thinking — and the folly of acting upon false beliefs. And yet Jesus never engages in gaslighting.
So in conclusion, we would be wise in applying Jesus’ type of love — rather than gaslighting for our selfish motives.
Who are you to condemn someone else? That person is accountable to God — and not you! And Jesus will uphold that man (Romans 14:4, my translation).
Dr. Mike Rosebush has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology. He is a retired Licensed Professional Counselor who has mentored thousands of gay Christian men.
You may want to read a short synopsis of his story here.
You may read his many other Medium articles here.
Today, he provides friendship support to gay men across the U.S. and can be contacted via Facebook.
