I Tried to Kill Myself Twice. But I Never Wanted to Die.

The unspoken reality of suicide.

Photo by Shermin Ng on Unsplash

This story contains reflections on suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, and recovery from addiction. If that feels heavy, please take care of yourself. You are not alone. If you need someone to talk to right now:

• US: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — call or text 988
• UK: Samaritans — 116 123
• Australia: Lifeline — 13 11 14

It’s a weird thing, waking up when you really should be dead.

It’s nothing like in the movies. Not the ones I’ve seen, anyways. My eyes didn’t fly open; followed by the immediate, panicked-confusion of seeing an unfamiliar hospital room. I wasn’t settled by my lover leaping up to grab my hand.

Instead, I woke up at 4pm. Alone. My face buried in my pillow, arms pinned underneath me — a discarded puppet, tossed to the side. The night before I had downed enough pills and alcohol that, by all logic, I shouldn’t have woken at all. But I did. Groggy, aching, confused, but alive.

I remember messaging my friend, and alluding to the fact that I hadn’t had the best of nights. Truly the understatement of the year. But just the fact that I had reached out to him was substantial for me at the time, and I think he…