Second Coming News
Jesus Declares to A Defiant Republican Base: “Lay Down Your AR-15s”
Conservatives abruptly leave Christianity, not wanting to follow someone who is unreasonable.
Jesus Christ finally made his reappearance after about 2,000 years and quickly sorted out any confusion. In a live interview on virtually all networks (except The Cartoon Network), he told the onlookers that he was the ‘lay-down-your-swords guy.’
He then told everyone that, in modern terms, laying down your sword translates to ‘lay down your AR-15s’ and went on further to say this proclamation extends to all guns. Jesus was rebuked swiftly by all politically conservative people in the United States, who went on to call Mr. Christ a ‘Commie’ among other insults.
Jesus did try to explain he was trying to curb the mass shootings in America. This did not go well for him. As quickly as you can hit ‘unfollow,’ there was a mass exodus of Jesus’s religion (Christianity) all over the United States.
On Fox News and other right-wing outlets, most anchors shouted at the cameras, ‘Who the hell do you think you are?’ The cracks became clear in the right-wing messaging that this Jesus Christ guy was actually serious about non-violence, so they should dump him like an aging trophy wife in the GOP.
“Jesus is a joke,” one self-proclaimed devout Christian said while brandishing a gun. “I’m a Christian, not a sheep-follower of Jesus Christ.” After many minutes of explanation, realizing that’s the same thing, he then said he’d shoot Jesus if he ever saw him again.
Violence has been a problem for millennia. Jesus has always foreseen this, which is why he started up his cause approximately 2,000 years ago. He was hoping people would have realized his simple words had real meaning. Most ‘conservatives’ Jesus realized weren’t conservative to his words, such as ‘love thy neighbor,’ but co-opted their own term of ‘conservative’ by meaning gun-worshiping.
Jesus admits he is disheartened by the 180-degree turn in the twisting of the word ‘conservative’ and says it’s like he has to start all over. Jesus said, “It will be tougher this time around to spread the word since I can only reach half of the people with this Fox News and NewsMax in the way.”
It’s an enviable task indeed.
This author would like to side with the founder of Christianity and say, we get it. Non-violence includes not using weapons on each other. It’s pretty clear from his teachings.
We hope Jesus can find a way to get through to the gun-loving Christians, but it won’t be soon.
Godspeed, Jesus Christ.
