Unequally Yoked — Is It Okay to Marry a Non-Christian?

The pros and cons I learned from leaving my Christian husband for an atheist

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Should You Marry a Non-Christian?

I was married to a godly Christian man that checked every box on my “husband list” for six years. We dedicated our lives to volunteering at our local church. Over time, our intimacy started to suffer. We were spending so much time at church, with members of the church, and hardly ever spending one on one time. Besides church activities, we didn’t have much in common. I knew in my heart that we loved each other, but we did not speak the same love language. I felt neglected and lonely.

There was no one to talk to about the pressures I had been feeling at church. I was extremely hard on myself to be a good Christian and a good example for others as a leader. I hid my true self from others and was obsessed with being a “nice” person. I realized my life was filled with obligatory activities and relationships. Even still, I told myself that self-sacrifice is necessary for the greater good. I believed my life’s calling was to build the church up through volunteer work and the saving of souls. I constantly denied my happiness in pursuit of holiness.

Then I started asking myself if I’m in the right marriage and doing everything I’m meant to be doing, why am I so lonely and unhappy?

Long story short, I am now married to an atheist. We have two children who are our whole world, and my husband is the best dad anyone can dream of having. We have finally settled in a house and a place that I can call home.

If you are wondering if it’s okay to marry/date a non-Christian (assuming you are Christian), here are the pros and cons that I’ve experienced so far and further points to consider. Obviously, everyone’s story is different, and not all of these points may apply to you.

The cons of marrying a non-Christian

1. You will lose some friends: Not everyone will be supportive of your relationship. They are the ones that firmly believe that the only successful and meaningful marriage is one between two Christians. Don’t worry, you will make new ones. Besides, there will still be a few whose opinions of you won’t change and will stand by you through it all.
2. Church members will pity you: Do you ever wonder why you never see a church leader whose spouse is not Christian? That’s because people don’t see them as leaders (a solid Christian would never be with a non-believer). Wives are tired of having to answer where their husband is instead of at church, and vice versa.
3. You have different beliefs: This is an obvious one. The way I see the world is different from how my husband sees it. When my dad died recently, I had peace knowing that he was in God’s hands, finally at rest. I could not lean on my husband to tell me this. Frequently, events would happen that I consider are not coincidences but sort of a “guidance” from God or him exercising his provision. My husband sees them as random and is far less sentimental.
4. If you have children, you may not be able to raise them in a Christian environment: I grew up in the church, and going to church on Sunday is engrained in my soul. I had no doubt in my mind that my children will grow up in the church. VBS (Vacation Bible Camp) when they’re toddlers, to winter and summer retreats when they become teenagers. My eldest would be a cool drummer in the worship band, and my younger one volunteer in children’s ministry. When I married my husband, I had to let go of the ideal Christian way I envisioned my children growing up in. If you are lucky, your partner might be open to coming to church with you and not have an opinion about what your children are exposed to. After my conversation with my husband, who abhors the idea of our children being indoctrinated by an institution when they are so young and impressionable, we decided not to send them to Sunday schools. I would be the one to teach them about God.
5. You may not want to go back to church: There are many reasons why I stopped going to church (you can read my story here). Growing up, especially in my teenage years, my mental health suffered because of shame. I could never be the good Christian girl that I wanted to be, and it made me feel depressed and even suicidal. Protecting my mental health is of utmost importance, especially having gone through so much turmoil in recent years. After taking a break from going to church (I could not go back to my own church after I’d left my husband), I visited my friend’s church. I thought I would give another church a try. Maybe this time it would be different. The sermon happened to be about marriage, where the pastor emphasized that the best kind of marriage is a godly one, between a Christian man and a woman. Then he proceeded to make it worse by listing stereotypes of male and female gender roles. After that, I decided to not go to church altogether. I could not bring myself to constantly be forced to feel inadequacy and shame because I’m in a marriage that is not ideal by the standards set by the church.

The pros of marrying a non-Christian

1. You learn to love more: When I see the world through spiritual eyes, there are thoughts and feelings I know are impossible for my husband to experience firsthand. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting to share them with him. When I do, he listens and respects me. As long as there is respect, you and your husband are allowed to have differing views. It is possible to have a loving, fulfilling marriage with a non-Christian. In some ways, you love more when you are willing to learn and discover things about your partner, even when you disagree.
2. You learn to love everyone: Many evangelical Christians I know have a hard time making non-Christian friends. I was heavily involved in church ministry, which meant I spent most evenings volunteering at my church, and everyone I hung out with naturally were Christians. We were safe in our bubbles, never having second thoughts about whether we agree or disagree on a political issue or our Christian faith. It was difficult for me to make meaningful friendships with non-Christians who were “of the world” and I assumed they were merely people that needed my help. When I married my husband, there were no more barriers or boundaries for what type of friends I make. None of my husband’s friends were Christian, and yet I found them to be equally if not more, kind and caring. They weren’t just people I needed to befriend so I can minister to, they were on equal footing, human beings that aren’t evil or led astray by Satan, as the church often make them out to be.
3. You are able to think for yourself: Being married to my husband forced me to step outside of my Christian bubble, which helped me to see more clearly. I read the bible for myself. I spent time in prayer to find out what God wanted to say, not what church leaders had to say. My understanding of God’s love expanded. I opened my eyes to the faults of the church and its leaders that were not clear to me before.
4. You may be soul mates: I am now in an edifying and loving relationship. We love spending time with each other. He is the most empathetic and supportive person I know. I tangibly feel genuinely loved and cared for. Daily. I never feel inadequate around him. Even with two kids, and a chaotic life I can barely keep up with, my husband thinks I am the best mother and wife. In our household, there’s grace for mistakes and failures. If your partner sounds like this, don’t let go.
5. Opportunity to find new communities that share the same values: If your church won’t support your relationship, don’t fret. You are free to leave. Being with a non-Christian opened my eyes to other possibilities. I found a community through Backyard Church where people have a relationship with God but don’t attend a physical church. You can always reach out to me if you want to talk!

Conclusion

So all in all, my answer is yes, it’s okay to marry a non-Christian, but you need to be prepared to face some real challenges.

Let’s look at some bible verses. 2 Corinthians 6:14 sums up the principle of being unequally yoked and why it is discouraged,

Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?

I pondered this verse many times, and I have to say, I have not found darkness or wickedness in my husband. He is full of love for my family and me and humankind.

Life isn’t always linear… shit happens. Don’t be ashamed. Even when you think you’ve made a bad choice, God turns it for good. It might even turn out to be the right choice.

There is another bible verse that is more generous,

And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 1 Corinthians 7:13–14

So what does God think about this? I believe God is unconditionally loving. I believe he wants the best for my family and for me to live in peace.

To everyone reading this who needs encouragement, you are not doomed. Take this as a sign. God has granted you peace.

The Backyard Church is not just a blog. It’s a real online community for people who have faith but can’t, don’t, or won’t go to church. Join today.