I Value the Bible AND My Experiences
Life lessons of a loving gay Christian
When my actual life experiences as a loving gay Christian contradict the Bible’s literal text, I trust my experiences.
And that has made all the difference.
I had been an evangelical Christian for 45 years — but no longer. I used to think of my sexual identity as straight, then homosexual, then same-sex attracted — but no longer. Today, I am still sold-out in love with Jesus, plus know that He likes me just as I am and will never leave me. Accordingly, my central goal is to provide Jesus’ kind and selfless love to those I encounter. So, today I call myself a “gay Christian” and a “post-evangelical.”
Why the massive shifts? Glad you asked.
Evangelical understanding of homosexuality
There was a time in my life when I had not yet learned to hate gays. I had been Catholic, but at age 22, I became born again — and for the next 45 years raised as an Evangelical. I learned to revere the Bible, and I loved reading it. I automatically believed the “sola scriptura” belief in the Bible: inspired by God, inerrant and infallible, and able to be understood by the common person. It was during this era that I learned that homosexuals were bad men. And it was in this era I realized that I am a homosexual.
Thus, I became a bad man.
My Evangelical and Bible study zeal showed me — in black print — that I was a monster. I was taught that the homosexual men of Sodom were beasts who wanted to rape angels. And they were destroyed by God for their wickedness.
I would then learn that the rules of the Levitical priests (i.e., the holiest of all men) declared homosexual men to be an abomination. If such detestable men have sex with other men, then both men need to be killed.
I later learned that homosexuality was unnatural (contrary to nature itself) and that homosexuals were erotic rebels who gleefully copulated with scores of men indiscriminately. I also read that such perversions would be divinely penalized. Specifically, the homosexuals would be turned away from God and condemned to an inflamed lust and a depraved mind. I also learned that respectable people should never associate with homosexuals. And, of course, the ultimate rejection of homosexuals: their prevention from entering heaven.
Furthermore, I learned that marriage was a very sacred and restrictive institution — only to occur between one man and his one wife. Gay marriages, I was taught, were anathema — against nature itself, plus all that God originally designed.
Thus, from age 30 to age 50, I fully knew that homosexuality was wrong. Accordingly, my task was to eliminate the perverted attraction from my nature. I gave my best effort in conversion therapy, repression, and accountability.
And I would still be there today (repressed, homophobic, hopeless) if certain life experiences had not happened. For I knew, back then, that I would never recapture my wife’s love as long as the tiniest shred of homosexuality resided in my nature. I was closeted for decades upon decades.
With the cancerous death of my wife in 2017, I gave myself permission to “lean into being gay” (whatever that meant). I was going to experience my gayness. So, with trepidation, I courageously plunged into discovering truth through my life experiences.
And that has made all the difference.
So, here are three of the life lessons that helped me to trust what my life experiences are teaching me — even more than what the literal Bible verses explicitly stated.
1 Gay men attempting to live out the Bible failed miserably
To begin with, I could never extinguish my same-sex attraction (SSA). I knew from the Bible that homosexuality was wrong. And yet, I was powerless to eliminate it from my nature. My SSA was predominant and ever-persistent. Prayer did not help. Repression (i.e., avoiding looking at attractive men, plus avoiding all physical affection) never lessened my attraction. Positive thinking (e.g., repeatedly stating the mantra, “I was originally born to be straight”) lost credibility. Having satisfying relationships with my dad changed nothing. Abstaining from masturbation proved NOT to be the magic pill to eliminate my SSA. Weekly confessions regarding my “lustful” thoughts were no deterrent to me; my homoerotic thoughts always returned.
In short, everything that evangelical pastors, counselors, books, and ministries suggested (demanded) proved to be completely worthless. Even worse, I began to strongly doubt their credibility. They all stated the same prescription, yet their methods were inept.
So, I began to ignore their teachings and the literal Bible verses on homosexuality. Instead, I believed in a revolutionary concept: God loves me exactly as I am. God foreknew I would turn out gay before I was created in my mom’s womb. And I came to believe that God delights in me, even as I continued to masturbate to homoerotic thoughts. And I became certain that Jesus would never leave me. Never.
In 2019, another extraordinary epiphany occurred. As I leaned into being gay, I discovered that I truly became a stronger version of myself because of being 100% vulnerable in outing myself to people. Each time I came out, I became stronger in my self-esteem. Each time I thought of Jesus, I rejoiced in knowing that He would never leave me! All of these “new self-efforts” (versus relying on the literalness of a few Bible verses) did indeed change me — into an unashamed, joyful man! I came to embrace my gayness as a gift rather than a “cancer” or a “thorn in my flesh.”
Furthermore, as I continued to provide counseling and mentoring to gay Christians, I learned that the more they held fast to the literal Bible verses about homosexuality, the more depressed, sad, and hopeless they became. The power of “name it and claim it” was simply a lie. One could not name himself “straight” or “someone who struggles with SSA” and magically gain self-esteem and wholeness.
The men I mentored desperately wanted to believe in the evangelical prescriptions. Single gay Christian men thought celibacy was their only option. And yet, very few of them felt content in their celibacy. Other gay Christian men believed “dating and marrying a woman” would cure their homosexuality. Sadly, their remaining SSA only haunted many of them — making them crave physical affection, sharing dick pics, or anonymous hookups. Some of these married men divorced their wives, only to discover that dating apps were not producing “Mr. Right.”
Sadly, most men who refused to call themselves “gay” developed internal homophobia — “hiding” from others and determined to be found valuable within their evangelical church.
My experience mentoring thousands of SSA Christian men verified that their efforts to “not be gay” often was fool’s gold. Such a quest often brought misery. Such men could not be comforted by the six “clobber passages” that condemned homosexuality. They were too afraid of being rejected by God, their family, or their profession if they “leaned into” their gayness. Sigh.
And yet, in many cases, SSA Christians were not needing celibacy or purity — they needed a loving, lasting, monogamous relationship with another gay Christian.
2 God’s relationship blueprint
I discovered another huge epiphany when I experienced (for the first time) being in a romantic and erotic relationship with a gay Christian.
I found this man to be very attractive. Furthermore, the more I conversed with him, I discovered how similar we are in values. At first, it seemed eerie — as though our two souls were one. I longed to be with him — to experience physical pleasures together and ongoing, life-enhancing chats. I found that I was satisfied simply by being in his presence; no agenda, no exploding fireworks — just experiencing the joys of a contented love. We grew to know each other very deeply, and each new revelation served to strengthen our loving bond. And, of course, I longed to experience erotic touch. Shockingly, engaging in “taboo touch” as two single men made me a stronger man. I became more self-confident as my self-esteem rose.
In sum, I became a much better man due to my romantic and erotic relationship with another man whom I greatly prized.
But then I remembered something: “I have experienced this before!” But where?
And then an epiphany exploded in my head. I had experienced these exact same things before when I was in a romantic and erotic relationship with my eventual wife!
But how can this be happening? I knew I was supposed to experience all of these sensations when dating the right woman. And I did. Yet, how can I experience the same phenomena with a man? After all, the Bible states that “a man will leave his parents and become one flesh with his wife.” I had found this Bible verse to be true regarding my eventual wife, as we were married for 41 years before she died.
I was stunned by discovering that the same relational pattern was true (regardless of whether I was dating a woman or a man). I came to believe that God must have a “relationship blueprint” that applies to all gender combinations: 1) Attraction is followed by personality fit and value symmetry; 2) friendship is followed by an intense desire for a romantic and erotic relationship; and 3) a desire to spend the rest of my life together is followed by marriage.
It was in this “blueprint” that I embraced that “love is love.” And love is a beautiful, life-changing, and enhancing experience. I became certain (as much as we are ever certain) that straight marriages, mixed-orientation marriages, and gay marriages all follow God’s relationship blueprint. And thus, I rejoice in each pairing!
3 African American social injustice model
A third life experience also forever changed my perspective regarding literal Bible restrictions for homosexuals. Two movies permanently changed me (and I continue to watch both yearly).
The first movie is the epic “To Kill a Mockingbird.” My heart ached, and my blood boiled as I watched the injustice applied toward an African American man who was falsely accused of murder. The prosecutor and the jury eventually believed it was consistent within any Black man’s character to rape a White woman. And despite the actor Gregory Peck’s superb defense of his innocent, the Black client was found guilty (by an all-White jury) and was then murdered by the custody police.
I sobbed and sobbed. “This is so unfair,” said my thirteen-year-old soul. No Black man should be treated unfairly. Gregory Peck’s “Atticus Finch” character became my hero. I wanted to grow up to be just like Atticus — so full of principle and stoic resolve to overcome social injustice. I still admire Atticus every time I re-watch that movie.
The second movie that permanently changed my character and thirst for social justice was the terrific movie “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” In the plot, a highly distinguished Black doctor (played to perfection by the iconic Sidney Poitier) wants to marry a White woman. However, the well-educated, socially liberal father (Spencer Tracy) of the White woman has a problem with the marriage. He believes that any interracial marriage will never succeed — regardless of the personal integrity of the two lovers. When watching that movie, my fourteen-year-old soul cheered for Sidney Poitier. Likewise, I pleaded with Spencer Tracy to “come to his senses” and approve of the interracial marriage! My unshakable belief in the equality of the races — and the primordial value in fairness and justice — are still hallmark qualities of my own life.
So, you may ask, what does the interracial marriage of “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” have to do with the gay marriages of today? Both occurred in American history when such pairings were ruled illegal. Both assumed that one category of a human (i.e., black or gay) is inherently inferior. Both used Bible verses as their justification for blatant injustice. And both movies hope that succeeding generations will “get it right.”
In my heart-of-hearts, I know that God’s involvement with humans arcs ever closer toward justice for all. Love, dignity and fair opportunities for the marginalized (e.g., racial minorities, females, LGBTQ individuals) is exactly what Jesus demonstrated in His life.
I will never forget Sidney Poitier’s outburst to his Black dad (who also opposed interracial marriages), as Sidney fiercely declares:
“Until you and your whole lousy generation are dead and gone, will the weight of your injustice be off my back!”
Today, I find myself wanting to zealously say the same phrase to those who malign gay men and try to demonize their gay marriage:
“Until you and your whole lousy generation are dead and gone, will the weight of your injustice be off my back!”
I have always held the Bible in high value. I read it daily. I search to learn its wisdom and then live it out. However, my own life experiences have taught me that some verses in the Bible cannot be taken literally in today’s culture.
This shift away from “sola scriptura” did not occur from attending a progressive seminary, denomination, or local church. Nope.
Rather, my life experiences have proven to be more trustworthy than a few highly debatable, literal Bible verses.
And that has made all the difference.
Dr. Mike Rosebush is one of the writers for “Backyard Church” and the founder/author of GAYoda. He has a Ph.D. in Counseling Psychology is a retired Licensed Professional Counselor with 45+ years of mentoring thousands of gay Christian men. Read the complete set of his articles here.
