Would I Have Gone to Heaven if I Had Taken My Own Life?

A personal reflection for International Suicide Awareness Day.

Photo by Ben Moreland on Unsplash

Content warning/context: Today is International Suicide Prevention Day.
This story contains reflections on suicide attempts, suicidal thoughts, and recovery from addiction. If that feels heavy, please take care of yourself. You are not alone. If you need someone to talk to right now:

• US: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — call or text 988
• UK: Samaritans — 116 123
• Australia: Lifeline — 13 11 14

If you are in immediate danger, please call your local emergency number.

The question nobody wants to ask.

A week after I had attempted to end my life, my friend sat across from me at a café. After the usual small-talk about work, I noticed him fidgeting with his coffee. Suddenly, he looked straight at me. “Do you…uh…do you think you would have gone to Heaven? If you had…y’know…?”

He trailed off, but I knew exactly what he was asking.

I’d asked myself the same question several months earlier, in the first real rock bottom of my gambling addiction.