Sublurbs

A Berlin woman continuously badgers husband for an exotic holiday, appealing to his better nature by drawing attention to her mammary glands.
‘Then she turns to me and says: Take my breasts away…’

Phil Collins anticipates an evening of wild wassailing.
‘I can feel it. ‘Mumming’ in the air tonight.’

Why Eastern European women found me devastatingly attractive when I was 14 years old.
‘Monica’s hand ‘accidentally’ crept ever closer towards my inner thigh, as we sat silently in the dark wardrobe eating Wine Gums.’

People compete with the neighbors to break into a booby trapped country house for the chance to watch a live televised event.
‘Fuck off Derek Jones from №7! Or I’ll push you in the spiked pit! The one next to the Aga.’

Steve Jobs’ digital ghost says the new iPhone will only be available to those who present four Apache scalps (and $500) at their nearest Apple Store.
‘*Fizzle* ‘Y’know, no-one really knew how racist I really was when I was alive…*Glitch* Not even J-J-Jony. Or S-St-Steve.’’

The Clowns of America convention descends into chaos when someone microdoses the Polynesian Breakfast Buffet with MDMA. 
‘Coco’s keynote was crudely interrupted by muffled laughter and the use of a pineapple croissant as a masturbatory aid.’

Sapient cryogenically frozen heads outline the finer points of their emotionally charged sex lives to uninterested spiritual entities during a Minnesota blizzard. 
‘ASMR is a 360 degree brain cavity ecstasy buck from beginning to end…! Hey, do you need to borrow a sweater?’

Middlebrow murder mystery/crime thriller authors embellish their bathroom rituals in an attempt to curry favor with their kids’ teachers at parents’ evening. 
Patricia Cornwell: ‘I’m sure you’ll agree, Mr Nankervis, that 14 minutes is the optimal amount of time for using dental floss. And there can be no doubt it’d be very handy should a wayward killer strike…

Like what you read? Give Dave Barton a round of applause.

From a quick cheer to a standing ovation, clap to show how much you enjoyed this story.