Dear People I Ruined Birthday Cake For,

Luckily, I am not Jessica Wildfire and I’ve only grossed out 20 people

Dear people who used to lovingly look at birthday cakes and think nom nom nom,

I’m sorry. If you my read my article, you are now utterly grossed out by birthday cakes.

On the other hand, maybe I wasn’t very convincing and you just ate an entire birthday cake after reading my article just to prove how wrong I was. After all, spit is flavorless. Hopefully.

Maybe I have no power over you at all and my words about spitting on birthday cakes were meaningless.

Maybe you knew that I had spent the previous night on the roof with two germophobes who passionately went down a list of everything that grosses them out.

I am a sponge. I absorb all information that comes my way. Not unlike a birthday cake absorbs love and saliva.

The good news is I’ve discovered a new niche. Apologizing to my readers. I seem to be doing it every other day.

I say something gross. You say Ew, gross. Thanks for ruining birthday cakes. I say, I’m sorry. But am I? It’s not a dance so much as a walk back.

In the past, the only time I ever apologized for birthday cakes was when I made one. I’m…