Arquilian Living Inside Mel Gibson’s Beard Is Getting Too Old for This
How does one tame the wild beast? He’s our patriot. He’s what women want. He’s a world-class crazy person.
Things were pretty touch and go over the last ten years for Gibby, who went from famous action star to infamous Catholic nut job. But guess who’s back (back again)? The massive popularity of Hacksaw Ridge has catapulted The Road Warrior into Hollywood’s good graces once more. Three months in the limelight later, no new scandals. How is this possible? “Give me back my son!” More like give me back my Mel!
It turns out there’s an extraterrestrial explanation. For the past three months, a little green alien has taken up residence in Mel Gibson’s facial hair.
That’s why his beard is so big. It’s full of secrets.
The decision to relocate from beyond the stars to Mad Mel’s mug wasn’t an easy one. “Frankly, it looked like the property value was declining. Plus, I didn’t want the weirdo christian homeschool thing for my kids,” said the Arquilian, puffing a tiny cigarette. “I did plenty of research before deciding to play Invasion of the Beard Snatchers, okay? The guy’s just screwy, Looney Tunes, wackadoo. I couldn’t have known.”
Initially, the transition seemed to be going smoothly enough. Worried Gibson’s recurrent racist, sexist, homophobic, and xenophobic slurs might draw unwanted attention, the cosmic commuter undertook the near-impossible task of making Mel Gibson seem normal.
“I just thought I could help him seem like a functioning human being, you know?”
From inside the tufts of Gibson’s bushy brush, the galactic visitor dutifully tried to rehabilitate the notorious Aussie. “At the beginning, he’d listen to anything I said. He called me his six o’clock shadow. I think he thought I was an angel or something. I told him, ‘call me whatever you want as long as you never call a cop sugar tits again, okay?’”
But Gibson soon began reverting to his old ways.
“We were on Colbert and I couldn’t get the guy to shut up about meat racks and whips and temporal punishment and gravel-rash suffering. It was a mess. I knew it was time to move out.”
After just three short months, the Arquilian began packing his bags in search of greener pastures.
“I hear promising things about D.C. I don’t even think I’d have to bother pretending to be a person out there. Might be nice.”
Passing on some parting wisdom for future tenants, the alien advised against bringing up Apocalypto “like, ever” and recommended scratching Mel’s jowls when he becomes angry.
“My biggest regret is I was never able to wheedle an apology out of that psycho. The guy claims to be filled with the Passion of the Christ but I couldn’t even get a #sorrynotsorry out of him. Still, I’m leaving the place way better than I found it. It’s like The Beaver never even happened.”
It remains unclear if another voice of conscience will step in to protect the general public from Mel Gibson. In any case, we owe a tremendous debt to this eensy teensy intergalactic traveler.
