Doing an Imperfect Job II: the anxiety and the (eventual) fun
I uploaded the video a couple of weeks ago of my audition for a project called ‘From Sonnet to Song’ (https://twitter.com/fromsonnet2song). The creators were making a series of music videos of diverse women from London singing Shakespeare sonnets. Here’s the result:
I love Shakespeare and singing, so, it was too good not to dare myself to do it. I say ‘dare’ because I had been living with quite a high level of performance anxiety. I’m learning to manage it better, but, it’s been a bedfellow of mine for some years — interesting that the greater my desire to perform, the greater the anxiety became, like a tumour that fed on healthy tissue (sorry for the image).
I don’t know if I was ever a born-performer, but, I definitely had the desire to stand out. As a child, I wouldn’t listen to any critical voices that told me I couldn’t do something — I was determined. I was very serious that I was going to be a great performer, even though no-one affirmed that desire. I remember auditioning for a children’s choir at the age of nine or ten. My classmate also auditioned and, when I saw her sing after me I think I thought to myself something like, ‘It’s in the bag, as I’m on a different level.’
As you might have guessed, she got picked and I did not. I’m sure I’m not the only one with a similar experience, but, I probably took it harder than most. The feeling of misrepresenting myself haunted me for years. Ironically, that fear was what made me tense up and completely misrepresent what I could do. I could never treat it as ‘fun’. This also made me doubt if I was any good at all or just purely deluded (Though I think a healthy dose of doubt is good). I so wanted to prove what I could do, but, was equally terrified of being a fraud. I’ve only sung a handful of times in front of people since then, and, rarely ever a solo. The stakes would be too high.
With all that baggage, I got the opportunity to sing on this project. I practiced quite a bit at home learning the song as best as I could. When I wasn’t singing it for the purpose of performing it, I was fine and even able to improvise. This was on my own, of course. When I got to the recording and stood in front of the microphone, however, something began rubbing out the words in my head, I felt the fear-reflux in my stomach and I started wavering. It was as though my processor had become overwhelmed and the anxiety was trying to steal the focus off the task at hand.
I wish I could say I eventually turned out the performance of my life and all was fine. Oddly enough the video was quite easy — I didn’t feel nervous in front of the camera at all (though not wholly satisfied with my acting). But, the singing was tough. Singing it all the way through without being distracted by the fear and the anxiety was hard. In the end, I had to hold the words in front of me, which was a little embarrassing.
Why the full disclosure? It’s helpful for myself not to pretend that it comes easily to me. I’m realising more and more that ‘talent’ really is something you develop and work on consistently. If I’d known this at 17 — really known this — I would not have believed the lie that you are either talented or you are not. ‘Talent’ is an opportunity: a glimpse of what could be possible if you worked hard on it. I would have kept going, kept learning and practising.
It is harder to put imperfect work out there as an adult, because you feel you should already be great at what you want to do. It can be demoralising to know that, though you worked very hard, you have only managed to turn out something mediocre. I wish I had made all the mistakes in my younger years. I have envied people who have had the opportunities or the courage to start early. Having said that, I am going to keep choosing to be brave and to keep heading in the right direction, with the long-term goal of being an excellent performer in the not-so-distant future.
Thank you for watching and reading!
