Everlane Introduces the Birth Control Pant
Have you ever had to beat guys off with a stick and your arms got really tired? You went home and thought, Wow, Please God I never want to do that again! Everlane heard your prayers and have bestowed upon us this pant, which will ensure guys of all species will avoid you.
If you’re perusing your instagram feed this week, it’s likely you’ll come across an ad for the newest addition to Everlane’s Ugly Pants Collection. Sorry, we meant “Most Flattering Pants” collection. Eye roll. Remember in 2017 when Everlane claimed to make the most flattering pant, but most people turned around and said “No!!!” — yeah, so do we. It was bad. It was ugly. Anyway, come back to 2019 and we are undoubtedly struck by another gag inducing silhouette promised to be “flattering.” This time however, these pants take on a masculine identity and are slightly reminiscent of our dad’s old pants.
The Carpenter Pant is a “pant that just works,” for those of you who are out bailing hay, knocking the old hammer into some nails, or going to Home Depot a few times in one afternoon. If we could guess, we might think Everlane was attempting to target the mid-40’s rich white woman who is painting the walls of her new art gallery in Williamsburg — of which there are what, like 2? Big market potential.
Maybe Everlane’s doing us a favor by taking our cute butts and hiding them in grossly mis-fitting pants. Currently birth control costs $0 / month for most people. But the drag of having to take a pill at the same time every day, or have some piece of metal stuck up in your insides! Total ugh! With these pants, we could buy all four colors at $68 a piece and have four full days of coverage per week. It’s honestly not a bad deal for those who are constantly taking pregnancy tests thanks to your inability to remember to take a tiny pill at the same exact time every fucking day of your life.
We came up with a list of names that might be better suited for the Carpenter Pant. Everlane plz let us know your thoughts:
- The Birth Control Pant
- The Yee-Haw Pant
- The 40 Year Old Dad Pant
- The I-Can’t-Fuck-RN-I’m-Busy-Nailing-This-Board Pant
- The Too-Busy-Painting-My-Art-Gallery-Pant
- The Doug Funny Pant
- The Janice-Takes-On-Home-Depot-On-a-Sunday Pant
PS — after some serious digging we found the real life inspiration Everlane designers used for these pants and um, there’s a reason this shit went out of style:
#badfash
What trends are you hating these days?
