A BADFORM HUMOR EXTRAVAGANZA SPECIAL
A Pirate Looks at Forty: A Special Memoir Look Back Over the Years
My life in brief descriptions over the decades
So, my life has definitely been an interesting, exciting, and fast-paced life. So much has happened over the decades. When I was a teenager, I was actually neighbors with a really nice family named the Seavers. They were always getting into some crazy hijinks. I would come over frequently as I was friends with their son. There were definitely some growing pains at that point in my life.
Later on, I would discover parenthood. That was a lot to take in this boy’s life. At 19, I became a bit developmentally disabled and had a morbidly obese mom who broke the floor in my house. She did this after I had such a fit over my dead father as if I was almost mocking it. I had no idea what I was doing. Good thing, my siblings were there to try to calm me down.
Then I found love but we both ended up committing suicide by the end. Juliet was way too pure for this world anyway. Why did my story at this point have guns? Some old feud between our families would never let us be together.
I found another life with Rose on a large ship and even drew her like one of my French girls. I felt like I was king of the world at that point. Sadly, that trip didn’t hold much water, well, I mean it did, but there wasn’t enough room on that piece of wood that Rose ended up floating on. I told her to never let go. What does she end up doing? Letting go. What a bitch!!
I came back from that though. After that, I took on multiple fake identities and scammed companies of millions of dollars, and flew almost everywhere on that dime. I even learned how to forge signatures, checks, and all sorts of things. I finally got caught but then I got a sweet gig helping the FBI catch people later on.
After that, I joined a gang in New York but that gig wasn’t so great. I got to fly again after that and was officially an aviator. That was fun. My time involved in a blood diamond war wasn’t so much fun. I wasn’t a great person to be around then. I then infiltrated a Boston gang as an undercover police officer. I end up getting betrayed and that story doesn’t end up too well. There’s a funeral at the end of that and I had to figure out how to come back to life yet again.
I reunite with Rose briefly in another encounter but that story wasn’t as good as the first time around as it wasn’t very revolutionary as the road that I had gone down before that. That’s why I was relieved to have achieved inception shortly after that. That story really revolutionalized my life and made me a legend. I even got to spend years and years with an old flame there.
Let’s not even talk about how unchained I got after that. I really don’t want to talk about how many times a certain derogatory word got thrown around in that time. I can’t even sit around and hear that word much less utter it these days. It’s a nagging feeling.
Moving on…I moved to the Hamptons shortly after that and got involved in a seedy love triangle if that’s what you want to call it. It didn't end well for anyone, really, and there was a lot of stuff that went down during that time. For some reason, we all dressed and talked like it was the 1920s again, and what the hell is a West and East Egg?
Then I became a successful power broker in New York City who partied and did drugs like it was the 1980s again. That was a fast life for sure. This part coming up is the part that affected me the most and also gave me the survival skills and struggles coping that I have today.
I had to survive in the woods after I fought a bear and got life-threatening injuries and then some guy ends up shooting and killing my son. I had to fight to survive in the woods left to die and then I just came back and killed the fucker himself at the end of the ordeal. If you were wondering, I survived my injuries.
I suppose this is all once upon a time in Hollywood and that this was actually Leonardo DiCaprio’s acting career but I’m sure that I really had you at the edge of the seat the entire time waiting to see what came next. Come to think of it, Leo’s had a pretty exciting acting career and definitely deserves to have more accolades than he does.
I wasn’t exactly stealing this story as much as I was borrowing it and adapting it for fiction. Well, I mean you know what that Jimmy Buffett title is, “A Pirate Looks at Forty.” I guess I warned you in advance with this title. In a roundabout way, narrating short clips of Leo’s acting career actually gave me some perspective on my own life but those memoirs will be saved for another day and another actual memoir before my 40th birthday comes on August 1. By the way, if anyone was curious, Leonardo DiCaprio is turning 48 years old this year. Does anyone feel old yet?
UNRELATED LESSON: Singing in the shower regularly can actually eventually make your voice sound better. Practicing singing at all on a regular basis can definitely help train your vocal cords and make even the worst singers improve over time. Then there are some people who shouldn’t even try. Like, you’ve been singing so long and then you try karaoke and everyone starts wincing and you notice a visual ear bleed. That’s probably when you should give up any hopes and dreams of a music career at this point. I don’t think that ear bleeding is a very pleasant experience. Fun fact, we were out at karaoke one night four years ago and the karaoke host had such a bad sense of how loud music should be and balancing the sounds that he actually made my partner Mike’s ear bleed. True story. Mike’s never fully recovered from the experience and now wears something akin to hearing aids in both of his ears. Kids, stay safe out there. Even when going to karaoke, you can sustain long-term bodily harm and damage.
