Health Tips Of Sorts
Five Ways to Murder Your Heart
I won’t be surprised if one of your health goals (do you even have them?) is to keep your heart healthy. We keep hearing that a healthy heart is a happy heart. I am pretty sure you’ve read or heard a lot of tips about how to make sure your heart stays healthy so you can get on with your routine without cardiac arrest messing it up.
You see, health is a choice we all have the right to make. Moreover, some smart kids believe that heart disease is a special privilege of the elderly. Yet, after close to 50+ summers (and sometimes winters and miserable rains) I can tell you from personal experience that heart attacks are impartial and have no qualms about hitting people of any age.
Which brings us to the relevant question . . .
Can we actually prevent a heart attack?
Oh yes, but only if you wish to. As I said, you can exercise the power of choice. Often, your personal lifestyle choices can have a big impact on your risk for heart attacks. The good news is, there are plenty of little things you can do to be healthy.
Ever notice how people are always telling you what to do?
I am not here to give you those silly little tips.
I am, in fact, here to show you five easy ways to absolutely ruin your heart. Murder the little f*cker/ticker! I’ll then leave it to you to decide what you want to do. Or not.
Without further yada yada, I give you . . .
Five ways to murder your heart
Smoke. Or be a passive lazyass and hang around with a smoker
For the smoker, the exorbitant cost of the smoking habit does not matter. The statutory warning everywhere is invisible because your eyes are already kinda blurry. Not that you ever think it is because of the smoking; after all, who likes to admit to being an assh*le? All those documentaries related to the dangers of smoking are so much boring stuff. They keep getting in the way of that important scene, eh? So what if you are banned from smoking in public? Big deal!
Fact one: smoking is probably the worst way to screw up your heart and your lungs.
Fact two: If you’re feeling remorseful, the smoking habit is totally reversible.
Think about it.
If you’re thinking about quitting, do it. Don’t bore us with your plans to do so. Either kick that butt or kick your friend’s butt. Same sh*t. And let me tell you — because I don’t want you to turn around and say I didn’t tell you so — if you do quit smoking or avoid passive smoke, your bloody heart will thank you.
Load up on Trans fats. So yum!
Even Mark Twain said that all the good things in life are illegal, immoral or fattening. Or something like that — let’s not pick nits. Unless you have them and it itches. In which case don’t stand so close to me, a la The Police.
Now, supermarkets are asshats that arrange their products in a certain pattern. And there’s a complete section to tempt you with bakery stuff, pastries, and all sorts of yum stuff. And? They are guaranteed to stay fresh for six or twelve months. How cool is that?
Ever wondered how they stay eternally fresh? It is the sexy trans fats that keep them looking young. Trans fats are those age-defying devils that repel you from fresh food and attract you to the good looks of zero nutrition while sneakily screwing your cholesterol levels.
You could say NO to Trans fats because you know they are villains just out to make you believe that all that glitters is gold. By saying NO, you can reduce your risk for heart disease. When you shop, you can read the food label and check the trans fat content, which should preferably read 0%.
Will you say NO? Hey, don’t feel forced to do anything you don’t want to!
Bomb yourself with salt
Do you cook? Do you add salt when you cook your dish? Yay! The best way to make sure that salt, the slow killer, is not only slow but also silent as it goes about its business of opening that back door to diseases.
Oh, you could be a goody-two-shoes and reduce your salt intake to keep your blood pressure at safe levels.
I like to compare salt to makeup. You can survive without salt, you know. But will you? Will you actually have the willpower to cut down on your salt intake? You can substitute garlic, pepper, oregano seasoning, and the like to compensate. But will you? You can also switch to table salt — as in sprinkling a pinch of it over your food. But ONLY if you want to.
Or just continue to load yourself with salt, ignore all those annoying labels that list the salt overload in that packaged stuff and get on with life until that sudden chest pain happens.
Become fat or obese
Oh yeah. More of you to love is one way to look at it. Yes. Just add on those pounds indiscriminately. Grow out of your clothes. Have people call you cute and then say shit behind your back.
The best way to add unhealthy weight? Gorge on processed food, eat lots more than you need. You could also just binge-eat by settling on your couch and watching mindless shit on TV or whatever.
Good news? You’ll be eligible to send in your entry for the “couch potato of the year” award. What? That’s recognition too, ya know.
As you add the inches to your waistline, you add layers of risk to your heart, but do you care. Unless you are immune to aging, age slows down the metabolism, warning us to be mindful of what we at and stay active. Who cares, though?
Just the other day my doc gave me this drivel about how it is important to check weight regularly and if it is necessary to lose some, take action; keep blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol at healthy levels as this trio depends on one another for heart health. Yeah, right!
Skip your medication
Are you on medication for a health condition? Then forget to take them. Repeatedly. Say you meant to but never bother to remember. You know they’re expensive — but why should you care? Medication is boring. Unsexy. Even if it helps you manage your condition, right?
Medication is usually prescribed to make you better, so if you are careless about taking it, you not only lose the dose, but also the benefit. But maybe you want to get better very, very slowly. Maybe you like surprises — because heart disease likes to surprise you. Best part? So, many people don’t even know they’re suffering from it.
Did any of the above make you feel guilty?
After all, you only have one body.
It’s YOUR body. YOUR choice.
You can row right in and murder your heart, or wade right out and save it.
Important takeaway: I will definitely let you know when I can think of one, but for now, let me leave you with this wonderful quote by Stephen K. Amos as a placeholder: ‘Love is like a lost fart. If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.’ That’s all.
And oh, while on the subject of farts, check out Gerald Sturgill’s account of what happened at the Sacred Fart Activity Center. Please don’t miss the unrelated lesson there because it is totally related to my story here.
The Night I Ate Four Frozen Burritos and A Cup of Hard-Boiled Eggs
You wouldn’t have wanted to be near me that night, but my partner was…
Or Mike Butler’s tutorial on how to light a fart. Such an important life skill, ya know!
And keep up with this month’s exciting prompt from Sally, the creator of this awesome space. There’s an award or a reward or something!
An Official Introduction to Badform, An Invitation, and A ‘Bad’ Writing Prompt
The time has come to release the beast into the wilds of Medium
Help me support underprivileged children via Ko-Fi. Thank you so much!