Going Bottomless for a Filipino Piyesta (Fiesta)
The unfortunate accident and embarrassment as a teenager in front of family and friends
Man, I’m so embarrassed recalling this day. I was 16 years old going on 17 in the summer of 1999. We had so many friends and family and it was our annual piyesta at the park in the summer. All of the major players in the Filipino Catholic Community were there.
The fact that this was at a semi-religious event too embarrasses me to no end. I’m going to preface this by saying that the tinikling is a very hard dance to master. If you don’t know what this dance is, it’s when there are two bamboo poles and two people holding them to have people jump between them.
I already had plenty to eat as I always had when there was so much delicious Filipino food around. It was in the middle of the day and a bright, sunny day. I had come to the party with my girlfriend at the time. She was fully Filipino. I am only half-Filipino because of my Caucasian father. I always felt half-accepted in that community because of that fact.
I’m sure that one faux pas or slip up and it would be easy for them to just shun me completely. If there was any day for that to be the case, it would be this particular day in the late 90s. I was already openly questioning my faith at this point and getting ready to leave the Catholic Church soon anyway, I thought. I probably knew ahead of time that this bamboo dance was a bad idea.
I was already slightly overweight and uncoordinated by this point. Trying a new dance with loose pants and no underwear was probably not a good idea. But I was stubborn as all get out this day and I wanted to just go for it. Plus, my girlfriend was there and I could easily impress her by doing this. She was already getting fully along with this group since they were all new to her, as our relationship had also been.
It was a big deal in the first place that one of the kids at the party was bringing an outside girlfriend. She was away from me for most of the party and getting acquainted with all of my church friends and family. She knew the language so she definitely had an advantage. I did not know the language well enough to bond with all of them in such a meaningful way.
Many of them were my godmothers, close friends of my mom, and prominent members of the church I attended my whole time. This sets me up for an epic embarrassment as I’m looking around at everyone, carefree, with my girlfriend in tow. The unthinkable but expected happened at the moment I felt most free.
My pants slowly started coming down and completely fell off within seconds. My whole soul, er, nether regions, and full ass were shown off for all of the party of hundreds to bear witness to. I was so embarrassed at this moment that I feigned falling down to the grass and hiding my face from the onlooking crowd. My girlfriend had to come over to pull my pants up and I heard familiar words in a foreign language as everyone was shocked and probably a bit embarrassed for me too.
I couldn’t face these people anymore this day. I asked my girlfriend to drive me home at that moment. I was usually one of the ones to volunteer to stay after the party and clean up but today I knew it wouldn’t be a good idea or even welcome at this point. I had completely embarrassed myself and probably my whole family at that moment. I just wanted to run and hide. I knew somewhere in the depths of my soul that I had essentially found my way out of that group at that moment.
I never came back to any major function after that. I couldn’t face any of these people after what had happened. I still saw many of them at church as I still went for a couple of years after that but I always avoided the subject of the tinikling, my bottomless moment, and that party. I just felt awkward talking to any of them at all.
The moment I left the church, I felt like I was also finding a way to completely run away from the embarrassment I had created. My mom still goes to that church to this day but I’m afraid to even ask her if anyone still remembers. My advice to anyone at a large function is to wear a belt, and underwear, and to make sure you don’t epically embarrass yourself at a family or church function.
UNRELATED LESSON: There are at least 112 land snake species in the Philippines archipelago. There is a huge biodiversity of animals on the islands in general. It is also home to the largest snake on average in the world, the reticulated python (28.5 feet). I know that I would want to avoid any large snakes if I ever get to travel to the Philippines. I know that my family is originally from there but I’d want to keep something on me as a weapon against any snakes that try to get me. Here is a video of some Indonesians wrestling a snake.
