My Prim and Proper Husband is About to Have His Standards Tested
With noises and smells he pretends don’t exist in life
My husband comes from a very different background from myself.
Even after ten years of marriage, farting in bed has not been immersed into our lives together.
In fact, he still maintains that he doesn’t fart ever and that it’s not a normal part of being human.
I guess some pretty severe lessons were drummed into him by his parents and the unlearning process has not come easily. Even being married to me — someone who would never normally care about holding back, except for around him.
And, as much as I have tried to tell him that if he isn’t farting, then he really needs to get his digestive system seen to, he laughs it off and tells me that at least he’s not smelly (like me???). **Truth — farting is a sign of a good and diverse microbiome.
However, he may be about to get a crash course in learning to accept the not-so-appealing side of being human.
Meet my Aunt Tamsyn
I love my Aunt Tamsyn, don’t get me wrong. And I say none of this to be cruel in any way — just honest. But spending time around her takes some mental preparation.
You see, she had her colon removed around fifteen years ago and, since then, has had a colostomy bag instead.
Now, the technology that goes into making these colostomy bags as efficient as possible has come on leaps and bounds even in the last fifteen years. But, in the long run, there’s no way that any technology can eliminate the smell of elimination — a process that naturally stinks.
As much as the colostomy bags today may have been made with the best odour-neutralising materials, when they have been emptied into the toilet by the owner, the smell left behind is still as bad as any macho British lad leaves behind after a Friday night involving six pints of brown ale followed by Bradford’s hottest vindaloo.
In addition to that, the colostomy bag does the job of a colon, ie. digests food. Just like with the normal digestive process, gas can be produced in the colostomy bag…and then eliminated by the colostomy bag…
With the classic sound effects to accompany!
So, while I have indulged my husband in his denial of normal human biological processes, next week, my Aunt Tamsyn is coming to stay and this could be interesting.
Yeah suck it up, hubby
My husband has never met Aunt Tamsyn before. It will be the first time.
I have visited her at her house while on my own a few times but never with my husband.
In her house, she has systems to deal with the unpleasantness, and a separate bathroom for visitors than the one she uses. We, however, have only one bathroom, which we will all have to share for several days next month.
She has given me a list of foods that she avoids because they tend to make her bag more gassy, but warned me that avoiding those particular foods is not a guarantee that her bag won’t fart from time to time.
I have no idea how my husband will cope. I have started to give him some warning; don’t be fooled for I would not tell him all of this without having first told him all about how fun she is, and what a lovely person.
My guess is that he will either be so disgusted that it reinforces his argument that no normal, healthy human with their own colon ever passes wind, or he will learn to chill and accept that these things are perfectly acceptable.
I hope to goodness it’s the latter because, honestly, I am tired of controlling my farts for him.
VERY RELATED LESSON: Farting is normal and healthy and if you aren’t farting enough, that’s a sign that your microbiome isn’t doing its work.
