SUMMER HUMOR AND GRATUITOUS NUDITY
“Sun’s Out, Buns Out”
A very summery tale of gratuitous nudity
The term “sun’s out, buns out” has been a thing for as long as I can remember. You’re going to see skimpy clothing and more than you bargain for when it’s summertime. I’m not a huge fan of summer because the heat gets to me but I am a fan of people-watching and gratuitous nudity. It’s one of my favorite pastimes.
I’m about to tell you a harrowing tale of someone who experiences more than their share of people watching and gratuitous nudity on a daily basis. They’re people that are often overlooked. They’re the ones at the forefront of all the buns that can be seen regardless of the season. Yeah, you guessed it. The nursing home caregivers.
Yep, there are plenty of buns out all the time. Mr. Flaherty opened his robe again and went by flashing the other tenants at the facility. He forgot to take his medication again. The caregivers have to come over and collect him back to his room and force him to take it after episodes like this. Then they probably have to wash his butt in the bathtub because he forgets to bathe regularly. Yeah, such a fun summertime tale, so far, right?
Then there’s Mrs. Jenkins. She lost her husband ten years ago. Her kids couldn’t deal with her progressively worse behavior and sent her straight into a nursing home. Back when she was a little more present, she told them that she swears that if they ever sent her away, “There’d be hell to pay.” Now, she just stares out her window all day whistling with the birds with the back of her robe open conveniently exposing her experienced and wrinkled buttocks.
One of the orderlies once described the site as watching two Christmas hams fall to the floor in slow motion and then somehow stay suspended long enough for you to get hungry but then realize that it’s an old lady’s butt you’re staring at and then you vomit a little in your mouth.
Where else can you find a mix of drugs, sex, and rock and roll that’ll make your stomach turn? What is that, you say with joy that is? You’re fucking disgusting…These people are here because they’re sick and all you can think about is catching a peek at some elderly tail.
I know it’s summer and all but that’s even a bit much for me. These workers deserve a little relief from all of this action. Do you know what they do when they get home to forget about the nature of their work? That’s right, they slip into their own summer skin-revealing suits. It’s called getting naked, popping a couple of Xanax, drinking a few dozen beers, and turning on Baywatch.
There, they can stare at the old butt but at least this old butt is attractive. Yeah, David Hasselhoff was even old for Baywatch at the time that the show was on but they don’t care. This is the only time that they get to “sun’s out, buns out” for themselves. They just make sure they don’t pass out in their living rooms from the dangerous mix of pills and alcohol. You know, lesser people have died from a lot less.
But the time gives them a chance to wipe out the memory of all of that summer elderly nudity and butt, just that wrinkly bouncing butt. Then they go back in the next day, and it’s rinse, repeat, redo. A constant summer of butt shots, butt wiping, full frontal nudity, and disturbing episodes of accidental and blackout nudity. Such a fun time.
The next time you think of summer, I hope you think of the work that nursing home caregivers have to do and I hope that never gives you comfort in thinking about that phrase “sun’s out, buns out” again and if I ever hear anyone use it around me, I’m slapping whatever you have in your hand out and calling you basic. What? Did you think I was actually into all this?
UNRELATED LESSON/STORY TIE-IN: Workers in the healthcare industry in the United States outside of doctors make very little for the work that they do. The average salary for a certified nursing assistant, for example, is about $28,000 a year (2018 figure).
My mom was a CNA back in the 1980s at a nursing home near my hometown of Sacramento. She would work long hours and get paid very little to take care of elderly people much like the people I describe in the story. In fact, she hasn’t worked in over 30 years because of a work accident where her spine was dislocated and broken after someone who was helping her lift a patient lifted incorrectly and permanently damaged my mom’s back.
They definitely didn’t pay her enough to do the kind of work that would potentially do this to a woman who barely weighed over 100 pounds at 5' tall. My mom would tell me stories about some of the things that she saw at nursing homes and the nudity, butt wiping, bathing, and other elderly stories I included above were inspired by the stories my mom told me when I was a teenager growing up in the 1990s.
Anyway, nursing homes today have cut costs for the most part, and from the sight of them, treat our parents and grandparents much worse than they used to. There are all kinds of horror stories about the treatment of the elderly here. Remember, these people used to be young and vibrant just like we all used to be, and have some of the best stories.
Don’t neglect or forget your relatives. If they are in one of those homes, visit frequently, no matter how difficult things get. You never know when you’ll no longer be able to see them again.
Plus, dementia and other brain-related illnesses are debilitating to people and it’s important to understand that your relative can still be there sometimes. Being around them much more and finding them the right care is important as they age.
I know that if my relatives or my partner ever put me in a home, I’d want the best and most appropriate care possible. Thanks again for listening to another public service announcement from the National Sturg Council on Many Different Issues.
