THE “BAD SMELL” PROMPT
The Night I Ate Four Frozen Burritos and A Cup of Hard-Boiled Eggs
You wouldn’t have wanted to be near me that night, but my partner was…
Aww, poor Mike!! He had to sleep next to me after such a meal. I didn’t even wait for that shit to settle. Literally. I was tired after eating so much and I didn’t think of the consequences at the time of mixing such a lethal combo.
Walmart and gas station food, an inspired combo
Four bean and cheese frozen burritos from Walmart and a cup of six hard-boiled eggs from the gas station. The sound of that combo doesn’t exactly inspire “yums” out of everyone.
I mean, I enjoyed it enough. My stomach? Not so much. It was gurgling before I even laid myself down after the meal. I’m sure that it didn’t help that I didn’t even want to wait at least an hour after eating to try and sleep. I was already tired that night after eating and I was ready to go to bed right after eating.
Rip, rip, rip, oh, no, it’s getting juicier
Bad idea. I couldn’t really feel the initial ones rip out from my butt cheeks but I could definitely hear them. I tried to muffle the noise by covering myself up with my blanket. The problem, though? Mike and I are in such close quarters in our tiny home that touching each other in our sleep is almost unavoidable.
I like to sleep nude as I’ve mentioned a few times previously. So does Mike. We were literally butt to butt nearly all night after this. I’m pretty sure that at this point in the middle of the night, my blanket was coming off. I could feel the skin-on-skin contact now as we were literally touching buttholes. That made what I was doing much worse.
Boom, are we dead yet?
A loud boom!! Oh, crap, well hopefully not. Okay, I just checked, and it’s not crap yet. I don’t trust my farts at this point and I need to ensure that my farts don’t become more. I don’t want to shit on my partner by accident. I would never hear the end of that.
Boom again!! Mike wakes up and turns slightly. “Are you okay, honey?” he asks in a sleepy haze.
“Yeah, I’m just fine, go back to sleep,” I hastily reply.
“Um, did you shit the bed? It smells terrible in here!” He exclaims, almost waking fully.
“Oh, no, honey, go back to sleep, you’re just imagining things,” I say through my teeth as I try to get him to go back to sleep.
I hadn’t shat, fortunately, but I was surprised he noticed. At this point, even after only sleeping for about three hours, I was scared to go back to sleep because either I would gas Mike out or shit on him or the bed and I’m not sure what would’ve been worse.
Explosions and fearing for both of our lives the rest of the night
Every fart was just wetter and more boisterous at this point. It’s not like I could get up in such close quarters. I knew that any sudden movement might wake him up and he’d figure out what I’d been up to.
This isn’t like crop dusting, I mean crop-dusting you can just pass by and pretend like it was the other person as you run away from the scene of the crime.
I had committed a deadly combo for my stomach and for me and my partner. Staying awake worrying about dookie was my punishment for not considering my meal beforehand.
Luckily, we got through the night and I woke up without knowingly shitting on my partner. I just know that I’ll never do that combination before bed ever again. Maybe I shouldn’t even try to do that combination at all. I was literally fearing for my and my partner’s life at that point.
UNRELATED LESSON: There is a common perception that drinking red wine in moderation is good for heart health. Apparently, the resveratrol in the wine is supposed to help keep your arteries clear and prevent heart attacks or something or other. I wonder why it’s only in moderation, though? Has anyone actually tried to just become a wino and drink a ton of red wine and see if they can cure things like high blood pressure or high cholesterol? I sure would like to experiment with this. I’m so tired of having to take three meds a day just for hypertension. I’m almost positive that mixing my meds with three bottles of red wine would certainly cure any heart problems I have and I’d never have to take any meds ever again. Wait, are you saying I’d probably die from the combination of alcohol and heart meds? Well, if it cures my heart problems, I’m willing to take a chance.
Tagging some super fantastic fart lovers in this wonderfully juicy tale: Mike Butler, Scot Butwell, Kirby Workes, just to name a few.
