Ep 1 : The Freshly-Baked 3 AM Bagel
Closing Time Doesn’t Mean No Bagel Time
I’ve never seen a glory hole, but is there a hole more glorious than a bagel’s? I’m no Pluto, but can anyone sustain such philosophical musings when Siegel Bagel’s heavenly waft of baked bagels envelop you at an hour or three past midnight?
Who among us hasn’t woken up on Kitsilano’s sandy shores past midnight with a mighty want for a bagel? Mercifully, one 24/7 oasis offers such benediction! Thus, for my bagel blog’s inaugural post, I put forth a true and enduring Vancouver bagel experience: the post midnight bagel at the un-closing Siegel’s Bagels on 1883 Cornwall Ave.
As a newcomer to the bagel review scene, readers may, understandably, have questions on my veracity. To borrow a phrase from seminal TV show, Home Improvement, “How do you do it?” Well Wilson, my modus operandi is simple. I apply an objective, unemotional method to the bagel review process. Sure, my Keto diet is a bit of an albatross here, but eating is just one aspect! Now you know me as well as my friends so let’s just slice into it, bagel buds!
A familiar voice stirs me from slumber, “Dude, you can’t sleep here.” Ahh, they switched Jimmy to the weekday security shift at Kits Beach. Good for him. Hope it means more time for the kids, if he has any. I shoot him a knowing nod, and make my way to Cornwall Ave in search for something more. My hunger overwhelms my hangover just in time as the welcoming lit sign of Siegel’s Bagels comes into view. I brush off the beach sand before heading inside.
I’ve been here before under similar circumstances, countless times, but never as a critic. My hands are still; but, my nerves shot — I immediately realize my rookie faux paus when I get to the counter. In my hubris, I forgot to draft up a strategy on which bagel to get. Like Sylvia Plath’s struggle with fig trees, I, too, am over-encumbered with the medley of options before me. After a few songs play on the radio, my latent critic’s soul kicks in with a witty solution. Why choose when you can get everything? An everything bagel, that is.
With my bagel purchased*, I take a seat by the corner to seek some privacy for the task at hand. No discussions or debates with the staff about saving a marriage; tonight, it’s just me against the bagel. Both my hands plunge into the paper bag as I deftly fish out the baked treasure inside. As I gaze with reverence at the blessed bread before me, my online food review training flashes through my mind to steel my nerves.
*For the FTC, this isn’t a sponsored review as I bought the bagel with the five bucks left in my bank account.
So, how does this ringed dough engage the senses? With great aplomb! Visually, Siegel’s Bagels bakers paint a dizzying array of poppy, sesame, onion, and salt, and other mysterious toppings. The visual feast also synergizes with another crucial part of my objective bagel review matrix: texture. Here, the speckled appearance reveals the ceaseless bakery’s future-proofing savvy as that uneven surface will likely provide hours of lit content for the ASMR crowd. Its arresting aroma, meanwhile, evokes the smell of a tornado midway through a supermarket baking section.
While Siegel’s efforts here are exemplary, they unfortunately mirror their peers in committing the same conceptual error with this bagel type — where are the raisins?! Without such a staple bagel topping, the “Everything” title ultimately rings as hollow as a bagel’s center. Add an asterisk or add raisins, I say.
The first oven that births such a complete bagel will undoubtedly roll into the annals of culinary history. I hope I’ll live to touch, smell, and hear such a wondrous creation.
I wouldn’t know, but I’m sure it’ll taste just fine too.
