Eat a bagel, become a Jew!
A secret conspiracy
Yep. I spilled the bagels. Now you know. The bagel is Jewry’s conversion hack. If you’ve ever eaten a bagel, you’re now Jewish. Congratulations and Welcome to the Tribe!
Unlike our Christian friends, who evangelize at the drop of a crucifix, we don’t recruit. No outreach at supermarkets, no “born again” campaigns, no bounties on the hard to get.
We don’t just avoid asking.
We go further.
We make it hard to opt in.
You need to learn a language written backwards and without vowels.
You study all 613 commandments you’re signing up to follow.
You start paying attention to our meshugenah lunar calendar.
You learn meshugenah words like meshugenah.
You give up bacon cheeseburgers.
You practice Extreme Sabbath where driving, TV, the Internet, and lighting a match are off limits from Friday sunset to Saturday sunset.
You’ll lead a congregation in prayer, in Hebrew and Aramaic, on a stage, in front of everyone, with everyone watching for a mistake.
If you’re a guy, we’ll take a knife to manly parts.
It’s a lot. Time consuming, intellectually, emotionally, and physically demanding.
Jewish law even requires a Rabbi to turn you away three times before we start converting. That’s right; we build impudent customer service as yet one more membership hurdle.
It’s enough to put you off. Few take us up on it.
We make it hard for four reasons.
We want you to appreciate it. If you work for it, your rite of passage takes on great meaning and you’ll be glad you signed up.
We assure you tolerate pain. Jewish history is horrific incident atop tragedy. Attempted genocide after war after war after pogrom after subjugation after slavery after another attempted genocide after diaspora after destruction of our holiest shrines. In some parts of the planet we’re still blamed for Jesus’s death, eating children, and having horns. Our holidays are grim; we remember all the crappy times. Even our happiest holiday, Purim, remembers the time we nearly were wiped out. Join us and you’re in for tough times. You’re choosing to be on the blunt end of antisemitism (and now New Antisemitism). Our onboarding procedure filters out the weak.
It makes for funnier Jews. All that dwelling on our painful history, that study, and practice at suffering – it builds your irony muscles. Fatalistic humor is now worth a wry giggle.
But there’s a shortcut.
Just climb through the bagel hole.
est voilà, new Jew!
Welcome to the tribe!
A few caveats:
- Orthodox Jews only accept bagel conversion from kosher bakeries.
- Conservative congregations reject frozen bagels, which could leave you a Reform Jew.
- Chives in your shmear could leave you a Modern Orthodox Jew.
- Since we’re not supposed to eat leavened bread during the week of Passover, goyim can eat a bagel without autoconverting during those eight days.
Enjoy!
