Texting us: looking at the past 3 years.

This is my first publicly published long piece of writing since a while. I have been actively writing, as always, but sharing my views privately, on Nataliya.ai website without an announcement or not sharing at all. I needed time to process everything that has been going on, a lot it is.

I was asked many times by my peers if I am writing a book. I said yes, because I intended to do so, even in the Summer-Fall 2022 iteration of my website I had a few chapters published.

But honestly, I do not believe in the future of books, I believe in the future of publications in form of PDFs, with images being at least 50% of those PDFs, preferably. Distributed carefully, strategically, between aligned networks.

It feels that very few people in this world have an appropriate attention span for books. I would dare to say that very few people in this world have the attention span for traditional whitepapers / longreads.

These days, my normal attention span rarely lets me read a book from cover to cover simply because at some point it gets super boring and I skim through several pages and perhaps come back to that book in later days, weeks, months. Most books feel irrelevant to me, expired by the time they are published because we live in the times when information is distributed super efficiently and super quickly and new, expanded ideas are shaped on top of existing ideas, everything is merging and becoming a collective body of information work. That is where ai comes in but I will touch upon this topic deeper later in my public writings.

I must say do still enjoy studying whitepapers, reading through presentations, websites copies, long reads, deep, analytical blog posts, and my friends’ newsletters. I also listen to a lot of podcasts and youtube videos, I have always been very good at intaking information via audio. Regarding the preferred time frame of the content I enjoy, it has to be very recent — much of what is posted more than 6 months ago feels irrelevant and expired in my point of view.

I do not do social media anymore, period. I simply do not trust in it over the past years, since my accounts have been shadow banned and removed. And since my voice has been removed from even what claimed to be decentralized social networks. Sometimes, I read through conversations in select telegram and signal chats, just to stay updated on the collective consciousness of projects that I choose to watch at any given period of my life. I dislike the noise of Discord, I am part of too many groups to keep up. Twitter makes me sick, I have been active on it since 2009 and I am feeling tired of it and the messy ads. Instagram is a trash content dumpster. Facebook and I haven’t been in touch for around two years and it’s been nice to be disengaged. Every other big social network genuinely feels like a waste of time.

I have tried some web3 socials, nothing stood out for me and they lacked individuals I was interested in following. Also, I have to be honest here: people I care for the most do not care to be on socials and we connect directly anyways which is way more efficient and meaningful. I am genuinely done with watching random people’s communications on social media. The style of communications has blended into a marketing pitch within every post, lacking individuality and ingenuity. It all feels the same and boring in socials. There is no media platform I know of that feels exciting. Most people who are still on those platforms are trying to sell something in every post: their personal brand, their product, their ideas, someone else’s brand, product, ideas. I do not wanna buy anything. I am tired of being bombarded with data that is set to extract my attention, my time and my money.

I do enjoy very much reading direct messages from my people and listening to audios directed at me. I believe that the future of content is private, direct, custom communications. As one of the leaders in the Metaslavic Fashion industry said back in Spring 2020: we have become content to each other.

So here is a glimpse of my content update via the medium of this digital paper.

It is a story of my becoming an adult, an attempt to clear the air of the past 3 years of my life. This paper is set to honestly share some of what had happened in my life and in my psyche during some of the most difficult time in my life so far.

Let’s go ahead and zoom back to March-August 2020. I wonder, have we collectively realized what happened to us then? I definitely have not. All I know we were put into jail of our own homes, have let ourselves to be manipulated into the made up mainstream story, that was convenient for the governments to tell us, we were told we are not responsible for our own health and we were told that the most efficient way not to get sick and die is to stay away from each other. It sounds completely absurd to me at this point, but hey, even with my deeply spiritual nature and understanding of what was actually happening (mass mind control, fear mongering and experimental tracking of our collective behavior based on injecting a mainstream narrative) I found myself also partially trapped in that storyline, just like everyone else I know. I tried my best to forget, let go and forgive myself for all the pain and intense discomfort I forced myself to experience during those months, spending time absolutely solo at my tiny studio apartment in Manhattan, watching my life shift from full of love-filled, in-person, inspiring, socially and spiritually aligned activities into a fully digital presence. At times, I genuinely felt I was going mad and have been really contemplating taking my life. Maybe I actually was going mad, surely many of those who followed me on socials back then would attest to that. Who wasn’t going mad back then anyways? For those of us spending that time solo it was beyond difficult on all levels. I had no one to ask for support because everyone around me was also struggling. My mental health was at the lowest low, simply because of the shock from the drastic lifestyle shift I chose to experience and lack of physical interaction and intimacy with those I cared for. I made up a lot of stories in my head back then. Stories I held on to up until late January 2023, when I finally started to realized that maybe it was time to move on from that on-going, consistent and terribly disturbing pain of feeling lack of love, of feeling rejected, removed and cancelled.

So what exactly happened between 2020 and 2023? It feels like time has ceased to exist in my life. Maybe I was abducted by aliens? Or maybe I had an extra hard case of my Saturn Return in Aquarius. Or perhaps, both. I have lost everything possibly imaginable over the past 3 years: a stable, growing business, a nice home in Manhattan, my possessions, those I considered friends, lovers, a sense of freedom, self-love, trust in myself and even identity, to name a few. There was no one day in the past 3 years I felt genuinely happy. There was no one moment when I laughed authentically. There was no one time I felt truly connected with someone. There was no one instance I felt loved by anyone. I was feeling a perpetual lack of grounding in this given reality, nothing made me truly excited so I chose to always escape and make up my own reality that felt way more comfortable and hopeful. A completely fake one but at least it was of my own creation. I invited no one in it, because I did not trust anyone to be part of this reality because I was betrayed by most I called friends and family in the past. I completely alienated myself from the world.

To be fair, I never felt super at home in this world, always was a bit of an alien everywhere I’d show up. One of the reasons the Nataliya Dot Ai identity emerged up back in 2019 is that I chose to let go of my given at birth last name, because I wanted nothing to do with my father’s identity and his way of life. He was foreign to me since before I was born. Rarely showed up at home, felt like a random dude. So why would I even carry his last name? He died in 2021 by the way. Not that anything has changed in my life since then externally.

I believe I am a walk-in (a soul swapped after birth) because I truly do not feel authentically warm feelings to my biological family, neither I feel connected with anyone on a soul level among those I used to call friends. Before I used to call some people soul family only to see them walk out of my life and never come back again, so I stopped believing in the concept of soul connections. Most of the time I am on my own and need no one at all to be around me. I tried dating or living with people since 2020 but it is not for me, at this point I genuinely dislike being around people on a consistent basis. Starting late 2019 I thought I wanted children, but now I realize that I do not, because I would not wish my children to live in this fucked up world, quite frankly. I would rather focus on taking care of myself and making it as long as I can and properly contributing to society in ways that don’t have anything to do with continuing my blood line. This might change again, but there is no one man I know who I would be open to see as dad to my children.

Back to 2020. So what exactly did I do back then? I worked very hard on my online version of personal brand, was still active on social media, developed Balanced Humanity communications strategy, led Balanced Fashion narrative and genuinely acted as a co-founder at a web3 company, (keeping its name out of this piece of writing) even thought I was kind of kicked out of it as soon as I shared my suicidal thoughts with the team back in May 2020. I developed a Balanced Culture storyline, where I narrated cultural events towards a balanced, harmonious and holistic future, and hopefully towards our collective freedom. I also left my home city of NY and moved to Europe after almost 14 years in that city. Continued building research and development hand of my company, figuring out how technology solutions including web3 and ai can contribute to conscious and circular economy initiatives.

In the first half of 2021, I was living in Lisbon while experiencing another lockdown there. Not knowing pretty much no one in the city, I spent my time online, mostly on Clubhouse as it was its prime time and I enjoyed voice-only communications while exploring the ghostly empty Lisbon sights. By the end of May 2021 I finally met my then still so-called co-founder in-person and felt hopeful again in my role at our company, before receiving another wave of silent treatment from him shortly after our meeting for reasons still unclear to me.

I did not give up and in the second part of 2021 and in 2022, I travelled to numerous web3 conferences and represented our company there, met lots of like-minded individuals focusing on building the new layer of the internet, felt actually satisfied with the newly found sense of offline community, thanks to those conferences and events.

I lived between Moscow, Lisbon and Prague as much as my visa allowed, multiple time I visited Dubai, Switzerland, France, Netherlands, Germany and Spain for work events. Generally, I felt much better than in 2020 because of resumed in-person activities. I feel more aligned with my purpose when I am immersed in social activities in real life. I had enough money saved up so I did not demand any salary from my co-founder role back then, just trusted that my work will pay off in a long run. I invested in our company with my time, attention, energy, experience, care and money. I believed that my co-founder and I will communicate and be able to reach consensus eventually. We did not and he stayed silent and avoided me even though I spent a lot of my time in the same city as him.

By the end of February 2022 the event we are supposed to publically call a special war operation was officially launched between countries that were actually in war since 2014… I felt lost again. My Ukrainian dad had died by that time and I had noone to ask for advice on what to do next, as my Mom and sister immigrated to the US long before that and kept insisting me to come back to NY, which did not make any sense for me anymore due to a number of reasons. I was in Moscow at a hyped web3 network hackathon event when it happened, ironically enough. I tried my best to stay calm, chose to stick to my plan and kept living between Lisbon, Prague and Moscow. The concept of Metaslavia civilization emerged when I travelled to Armenia and Georgia in March… More about that in later editions of this paper series.

I kept attending web3 events, not giving up my role as a co-founder at that ambitious web3 organization regardless being constantly cancelled by the whole team. It was tough because publicly I could not mention the name of the company so I always introduced myself in very vague terms, no one really knew what I was working on but I always showed up and did my work everywhere I felt guided to appear, both in real life and online.

The whole 2022 was torn between figuring out what was going to happen politically between the countries of my mom’s and dad’s birth, finding safety and temporary comfort between different cities, supporting fellow Metalsavs in their new adventures, building what I hope to call friendships with mostly web3 crew, and kept finding yet another, perhaps thousandth reason to keep acting as a co-founder in that organization, while figuring out my personal relationship with the guy who chose a silent treatment on me. He did not care to see me in-person since our meeting in 2021. He did not care to speak with me and find out about everything I have done for our organization as an acting co-founder. I did not feel brave or proud enough to step out and find my own way independently from our story, too much has been build by then. By the end of 2022 I suddenly felt unmotivated to continue running Balanced Humanity, Balanced Culture or Balanced Fashion narrative any longer. It all felt not as urgent during the time of the opposite of peace. Nothing from what I have been building made much sense when we collectively still live during perhaps the most unbalanced times…

It is currently February 21 2023, my people just watched a public communication of our chief. I am not going to comment on it.

I am feeling OK actually, allowing whatever to unfold to do so naturally. I have been living though a love story that was only in my head. Or was it? Not sure yet. Time will show the fruits of my love, as it has been a driving force of my creativity all this time. I am grateful for my ethereal co-founder role at this company that so far turned out to be not at all what I ever intended or communicated it to become. In the past 3.5 years I learned everything imaginable to know about web3, DeFi, NFTs, DAOs, AI, and their applications. I attended numerous community and dev calls held by variety of organizations, held private and recorded calls with key founders, studied websites and whitepapers of all kinds, participated in group chats of all scales, shared a lot of my observations and learnings across different environments, mostly during in-person events, in private channels, groups and in 1:1 settings.

I created A LOT of content. More than you may think it is possible. I showed up for us publicly all the time.

It feels like I have gone through a custom-created for myself MBA and I do feel quite proud of the knowledge I have gained and the connections I have established in my field, I have met some of the greatest minds of our times! I have even been invited to speak at some of the top level conferences. I have also been invited to be a co-founder and to lead teams at some of the top initiatives, but I declined because I felt so loyal to my role at the organization that I have been co-leading in the past 3.5 years. Well, that book is finally ending and the future is oh so unclear. All I know I will continue attending industry events and capture our most memorable moments + do ritualistic energy work/movement and voice performances on and off stage during our gatherings. So what that makes me in our space? Energy communications lead? I do not know yet, and I hope this year, I will find out an exact role I am to play in the web3 and AI space for us and find the best path for me to follow further, indepentent from any organization. All I know, I am ready to finally move on from my fantasy role towards my real role, whatever it is going to be.

I will keep showing up among as the best dressed, most spiritual and present woman you would ever meet at an event these days and I will keep reporting on what I am observing, keep narrating for us, choosing whatever platforms it feels right to share my work with you at any given moment. Maybe this is what I will continue to model for us: fashion, energy movement practice, deep spirituality level and wisdom of being present with you at all times, supporting the narrative that aligns with my heart the most. Will keep up the communications work to support what each of us is building and will keep being guided by spirit so that we all manage to build fully interoperable products that are set to create a scaled technocracy, providing humans with a choice of how much they want to be plugged in singularity that is being distributed as we speak. I do need to meet someone who can sponsor my appearances at some point, or launch a crowdfunding campaign for Metaslavia. I only intend to surround myself with those who can understand the nature of my work deeply. Will see what 2023 unfolds! As long as the borders are open and as long as I feel my uncategorisable work is needed for our collective I will be there for us.

Maybe, the company I co-founded will act as a foundation for what I am set to be doing in our ambitious community, even though it is so hard for me to see it that way right now, since I am feeling so emotionally hurt by the way it all turned out so far for me personally. Let’s see what we can co-create further as time goes on and story we create unfolds. All I want is peace and consensus to be reached with those I care for, and with the whole humanity, preferrably.

That’s all I wanted to share for now.

Thanks for reading to my review of these past 3 uncertain and genuinely weirdest years of my life so far. The years I learned to trust my inner voice unconditionally, while the whole world around me was falling apart. I hope in the near future, I will be able to not only experience peace with my past, but also find inspiration to move forward as a stronger professional and keep acting as the best and most balanced self for us, inspiring us to perform at our best, even when the times get rough for humanity, as we are transitioning into the next evolution cycle and building the brand new civilization.

Please note that I do have a lot of other on-going initiatives and plans, but I cannot share them publicly at this point. My in-person public persona is very different from my on-line persona and my on-line persona is even more different from my private self, the one who is OK using the last name given to me at birth. I used this piece of writing as an exercise to bridge these three personas and as a public update for those who are curious about me and why I am always so mysterious and in many cases, intense.

I promise to keep improving for us as times goes by and I become kinder, more heart-centered and mature as a human being.

I appreciate you deeply. I believe in you. I love all of you.

Stay decentralized,

Nataliya.ai

Screenshots below are describing some elements of the story share above. At no particular order… maybe? Who knows…

Enjoy the visual part of this experience.

78

Enough for now.

I love you.