Why Join a Board of Directors?
Should you ever endeavor to join a Board of Directors, please realize you have limited time to obfuscate the fact that you have absolutely no clue what you’re doing.
Thus, I’d recommend you immediately call for a vote. That’s right, the very first minute of the very first meeting, even before lengthy introductions, you, ”make a motion to take a vote.”
Don’t let the stunned silence dissuade you. Quickly offer, ”who seconds the motion?” and then — without delay — call on another Board Member (independent ones are best) who may at first freeze, but will eventually stammer ‘second’. Then toss in a snappy ”all in favor, say ‘aye’,” to which everyone will just follow suit because that’s what Boards do (forget the opposing ‘nays’ you don’t have time for that ).
Here’s your next important move: exclaim that you have some important questions about the financials.
Note that you’re ok to wait until later, during the financial portion of the meeting, to deliver these questions — but for the moment you’ll offer that you’d prefer that negative numbers be shown in red, and all positive ones remain in black. You’ll get quite a few head nods to this, and no one will even question your absolute ineptitude.
Now, as the finance portion of the meeting nears, exclaim that you have a conflict — a double booking with another Board Meeting with a different organization (this will make all the other Board Members jealous) — then, *boom!*, mic drop from the call.
Here’s another wise tactic to deploy: finish other Board Member’s sentences. To do this most effectively you’ll need to attempt ‘conscious listening’, which means you’ll actually have to pay attention to what people are saying.
Annoying, I know. Let’s try it out.
Board Member who isn’t you: “I’d ask that the company consider performing a comparative analysis on the cost per employee so that we can understand if we are…”
You: “…buying enough dolphin food for the office aquarium we’re going to build.”
Nailed it.
Now, some Board Members may squirm in their seat and make soft grunting noises and generally appear frustrated by your outburst — realize they probably just hate dolphins and move on.
These days, many Board Meetings are held remotely, meaning that you can take them from your car while you’re driving to get a facial. However, being remote has its downsides, one being that you will not receive any of the free snacks served at the Board Meeting itself. The silver lining is billing, naturally. Yes, feel free to bill the company for any food you consume during the Board meeting — be it Oreos or a club sandwich or even that Athletic Greens crap.
On presentation materials, you should suggest the addition of slide numbers and then, *”if the Board could kindly please flip to slide 11,”* you have some thoughts. When there is disagreement about which slide is 11, get upset and screech, *”forget about it, I’ll send my comments after,”* which — of course — you won’t, but at least people will always remember you as the person who recommended page numbers.
Also, no need to turn your audio off if you have to go to the bathroom; just say you’re washing some dishes.
Finally, I most important last recommendation. You should be prepared to quit the Board before the completion of this first meeting. Your reputation is very important, but you already know that. Quitting means you can tell people, ”I was on the Board of [Name any Big Company] and I didn’t feel they were of my caliber,”* or, *”I was too busy with other Boards to stay on the Board of Apple…”
What’s that? Oh…yes, you can say Apple, people will take your word for it. In the off chance they try to confirm this, you can remind them that most AI platforms hallucinate, especially about you and what Board Meetings you’ve attended.
And, so, I do hope this has been helpful. In the off chance you do join a Board of Directors know that it practically guarantees you can get your parking validated, so best to do it just before you hit the mall.
