One sad day a month
This post was written a while back, it’s not today, but it may help someone who is feeling like this today.
For the past 6–7 months I have been experiencing a day of sadness. It is a day where my hopes and dreams feel like they are distant and unattainable, and all I feel is hopelessness for myself. This day is the first day of my period and it is the day where I know that our trials that month for trying to create a baby have failed. FAILED! At first, I didn’t accept my sadness, but now I know my body and hormones so well, I have come to accept that this is just what will happen on that day.
Today though was an even sadder day, and it was sod’s law that both my period and this news hit the same day. In some way, I knew that both would happen on the same day because I really wanted both.
I was applying for a job that I had been headhunted for. In my whole working life, I don’t think that I have wanted a job as much as this one. It sounded amazing and everything about it suited me. Amazing clients, working remotely, with travel to Vancouver and San Francisco every few months, I would be a full-time contractor (literally my dream scenario), and lastly I would be able to get a dog as I would be working from my new home or a We Work office. It seemed too good to be true and sadly it was. Hearing the news that they didn’t want to proceed with me felt like a thump. Why did they not want me? Was it because I am not good at animation? Is it because my design skills aren’t to their taste? My head just goes into sabotage mode and reminds me that I’m just not that good, and there are so many better people than me out there.
So today is extra sad, because not only am I not going to get the job of my dreams, I’m also not able to get pregnant. I want to say life sucks, but in reality, it doesn’t suck at all, but I still feel this way. Damn you hormones, sorry if I seem a little off and don’t want to chat with you. It’s not personal, I’m just dealing with my own shit and shielding myself from the world today.
