7 Common Résumé Mistakes You Should Avoid

1 — USING SWASTIKAS INSTEAD OF BULLET POINTS
Yes, we know, the swastika was originally a Sanskrit/Buddhist/Hindu good-luck symbol long before it was co-opted by the evil Nazis. And that’s the problem. While you and I are aware of the positive origins of the swastika there’s a chance your potential employer doesn’t and will think you’ll want to ethnically cleanse her business.

2 — STAPLING A PIG’S EAR TO YOUR RÉSUMÉ IN CASE THE LONELY H.R. LADY HAS A DOG
Dogs love dried pig ears, sure, but there’s always the chance that the lonely H.R. lady had a dog named Boswell that choked to death on a pig ear. You do not want to remind her of her loss. Instead, sprinkle the résumé with catnip in case the lonely H.R. lady has cats.

3 — INCLUDING AN INVOICE
Yes, writing, embellishing, printing and mailing résumés is time-consuming and costly. Yes, you do deserve to be compensated handsomely for your efforts. Regardless, at the beginning of the job hunt process it’s a big no-no. Instead, keep detailed records of the time and materials expended so when you are finally hired you can deduct the equivalent amount in stolen office supplies.

4 — ADDRESSING THE COVER LETTER GENERICALLY
Addressing a letter “To Whom It May Concern” tells your prospective employer you can’t be bothered to do a little research. What’s the name of the person you’re sending your résumé to? Brad Stevens? Don’t assume Brad is a man. He could have boobies if he’s taking boobie pills. Ask! Also, don’t use the word boobies, it’s immature.

5 — CLAIMING CYNDI LAUPER’S DISCOGRPAHY AS YOUR RÉSUMÉ
This is a no-brainer, yet people keep continue to try and pull this one off. Everyone knows Cyndi Lauper wrote She Bop. Try to claim a more obscure discography or just say you were one of Dexy’s Midnight Runners.

6 — INCLUDING SPOILERS IN YOUR RÉSUMÉ
I will never forget reading an applicant’s résumé and seeing “Objectives: Kevin Spacey is Keyser Söze.” I was especially livid because I had a date that night to see The Usual Suspects. Nevertheless, he got the job because I owned a firm that ruined surprise parties.

7 — HAND DELIVERING YOUR RÉSUMÉ TO YOUR PROSPECTIVE EMPLOYER AS HE STEPS OUT OF THE SHOWER
Industrious? Check. Motivated? Check. But that doesn’t change the fact that your prospective employer will be wet and naked and screaming at you to get out get out who the hell are you get the hell out of my house I’m calling the police who the hell are you get out Margaret call the police.