Do I Regret Being Stuck in Your Chimney? Absolutely.
I’ll be honest with you. This is not the outcome I wanted. And I know it’s not something you wanted to deal with when you got home. Are you home? That sounded like maybe a car door opening.
Sorry if you might be alarmed by the panicked screaming but I need to make sure someone knows I’m here. Are you here? Did you hear my screams?
I’ll admit it — I didn’t think things through. That could be the meth, sure, but to be honest I never knew much about chimneys. I always assumed they were obstacle-free vertical tunnels into your house. Who knew they were so narrow, with a small flue at the bottom? I may be in decent shape, but there’s no way I’m fitting through that! LOL
Hold on, I need to let out some terrified shouts. My arms are stuck over my head.
Anyway — embarrassing, right? I can only imagine the look on the faces of the firemen when they rescue me. They’re coming right? Please god. Please tell me you just got home and heard me screaming and called 911.
Hard to breathe. A few more shouts, perhaps.
Okay, you heard those for sure!
Where was I? Oh right. I’m wedged in a chimney with my arms over my head. The plan was — and I’m being brutally honest here — the plan was to drop down and enter your place and liberate you of some of your belongings.
I know: Stealing is bad. I have my faults. I have many faults.
My worst fault is believing that I could defy gravity and gently descend two stories of chimney. Boy, that was pretty silly of me!
So dark and uncomfortable. Makes you want to panic. Chimneys look much wider from the outside. Hold on while I scream some more.
It’s funny, because normally I would never want to summon the authorities. How that changes when you’re wedged in a chimney with your arms over your head! We’ve had our differences over the years, but I would be tickled pink to see Officer McCarthy’s face right now. He could even put his knee in my back when he cuffs me. I’d welcome it.
Might be time for another desperate shout. I really want to make sure you’ve heard me. I assume the sound travels right down the chimney into your living room — just like I had hoped to do.
If only I could move, I’d pound or kick to add to these frantic cries.
In case I wasn’t clear, I accept full responsibility. This is my bad, 100%. I’m just a big dummy who tried to take advantage of the fact that you only stayed at this house on weekends.
Oh my god it’s Monday.
