Excerpts From the Higgins Commission Report on Wendy Being a Big Mommy Pain in the Ass
“…created Facebook accounts for both children within days of their births and routinely requested that individuals she barely knew ‘Like’ them.”
“..attempts to present herself as outperforming other mommies include her insistence that Lucas was completely potty trained — when his routinely pissed-in pants and bedsheets suggested the contrary.”
“One observer recorded over 27 instances of Wendy interceding and advocating on her child’s behalf in the course of one playdate.”
“Despite seven years of threatening Lucas with time-outs, in no instance did anyone witnesses time-outs ever occurring, or discipline manifesting itself in any form.”
“…abruptly canceled the playdate upon learning that her daughter would not be the sole attendee.”
“Acted as though her children taking Mandarin Chinese was somehow morally superior to, and more practical than, Spanish lessons.”
“Despite claims that her children’s Internet usage is ‘strictly limited’ all evidence points to her children enjoying what they refer to as ‘inifitime’.”
“…unabashedly copied Karen Huntley’s birthday party from last year in every single detail including the invite, the venue, the theme, the cake and the goodie bags.”
“…posted 33 images of her children to celebrate ‘International Siblings Day’ — which is not a real holiday.”
“Upon seeing boxes of Girl Scout peanut butter Do-si-dos cookies for sale at the school’s front desk, immediately accused the administration of putting her daughter Tabitha’s life in danger because ‘peanuts are like the Taliban’.”
“…scheduled a birthday party for Tabitha, despite knowing that Tyler’s mom had already booked a venue for the very same date.”
“Ignored the group’s rule prohibiting use of personal electronics at the dinner table and allowed Tabitha to play Candy Crush throughout the meal. With no headphones.”
“Although Lucas’s Lego house paled in comparison to Hugo’s, Wendy insisted that the boys agree that both Lego houses were ‘equally good’.”
“Cited ‘kidnappers’ as the reason she insisted her husband stay with Tabitha during a drop-off birthday party.”
“…routinely shrugs off Lucas’s aggressiveness as ‘boys being boys’ — but treated his being struck with a Nerf ball as though it were a legitimate murder attempt.”
“…scolded Deborah for not immediately replying after opening the Evite for Lucas’s birthday party.”
“…spends more time as a ‘mommy blogger’ than an actual mommy, having outsourced even the most menial of parenting tasks to her nanny Rosita.”
Report completed after several months of hearings at the Weekly Conference of the Mommies of Park Slope held at the Starbucks, 1st St & 7th Ave., Brooklyn.
