How to Prepare Your Friend for the Crushing Disappointment of No Man’s Sky
Tell your friend there’s a woman that you want him to meet. She’s gorgeous.
Even better, she’s got personality! And brains! Don’t forget to add that she’s wickedly funny — and one of the sweetest human beings you know. There are no negatives. She’s fluent in French! Good in bed! Likes all sports!
Every time you see your friend you shake your head, smile and say, “Man… you are going to love her.”
Do this for many, many months.
In short order, your friend will be begging you to set them up. Begging.
When he can’t take it anymore, tell him it’s time. Set a Date Night.
Talk about Date Night incessantly. Say things like, “I cannot wait for you guys to meet!” Occasionally hum Here Comes the Bride.
He’ll be counting the days, the hours.
Finally, Date Night comes.
Your friend walks into the restaurant. He sees her in the corner, exactly as you described. He lights up. He can’t remember the last time he’d been so excited. He has a smile from ear to ear.
He introduces himself. He sits down.
She nods and smiles.
He makes some small talk to break the ice.
She nods and smiles.
He asks the usual questions.
She nods and smiles.
Maybe she’s nervous, your friend thinks. That explains why her warmth, brilliance and wit hasn’t come forth yet. He’ll just keep trucking on.
She nods and smiles.
By appetizers, doubt starts to set in. She was supposed to be wickedly funny, but has yet to crack a joke. Her brilliance? It has yet to make itself known. Her fluency in French is in question because she can’t even pronounce Chardonnay.
But she’s very pretty. Very pretty. He just needs some time to coax all the other stuff out of her. It’ll be worth it. He’ll just need to work harder. His conversation meanders through many minutes and a variety of topics, all in the hopes of eliciting a spark. Something. Anything.
She nods and smiles.
Now he’s finished the entrees. The most interesting thing she’s done is nod and smile slightly differently. She’s got no sense of humor. Has said nothing engaging. Doesn’t know sports. Sure, she’s pretty, but even that has lost its luster at this point. The date is starting to flatline.
They clear the dessert plates. Dinner is over. She nods and smiles.
Your friend is handed the check. He realizes he got a bum deal. He’s been fleeced.
That’s when you run into the restaurant and scream, “That’s exactly what No Man’s Sky is like!”
