Interview with Alternate-Universe Eva Braun Who Didn’t Marry Hitler
In our universe you married Adolf Hitler in an underground bunker as his evil empire collapsed and you both committed suicide the next day.
Oh, that sounds terrible! I’m glad my universe is very different. There’s no bunker! I spend my day choosing only the best apples!
Is there a Hitler in your universe?
Oh yes! Hitler is a health celebrity. He has done wonders to curb obesity and promote a healthy lifestyle. He also has a line of energy bars called Mein Karbs.
So, he’s not an evil demagogue who led your country to ruin?
(Laughs) Oh no! He’s like Richard Simmons, but ever slightly more masculine.
And you never married him?
Haha, no! I have his ab and glute workout films but I don’t know him personally. My focus is picking apples. There are so many apples!
Are there Nazis in your universe?
Yes! The men have long beards and the women wear long skirts and bonnets. They eschew electricity and modern culture. They ride around in horse-dawn buggies and build barns with wood pegs because their god wants everything to be more difficult.
Sounds like what we’d call the Amish.
They’re very nice, even though it takes them a long time to drive places!
Are their particular varieties of apple you’d recommend?
Of course! You want the able-bodied ones. The young ones and elderly are no good.
Oh my god.
