New York City Biking Regulations

RULES OF THE ROAD

Cyclists should observe the same rules as automobiles or make up their own rules like Hugo Chavez on a Schwinn.

Therefore:

• All bicycles must ride in the direction of traffic.
• Or against it, if you feel like you want to go the other way.
• You must obey all traffic signals or imagine them to be bad Tinder matches that you swipe left on, never to consider again.
• If you are riding against traffic and a pedestrian is looking the other direction — where the traffic is coming from — yell, whistle or hiss at them to make them aware of your approach. Make sure to slow down so you can observe and enjoy their startled expression.
• The pedestrian has the right of way unless the Supreme Court of You, in a 9–0 decision, determines he does not at that moment.
• If your bike is equipped with a bell, ringing it absolves you of all guilt no matter what you are doing.

SIDEWALKS

Sidewalks are for pedestrians only (hence the word ‘walk’). You must dismount your bike when on a sidewalk. Or, remain on your bike and mentally declare the sidewalk to be a road that may or may not be subject to the rules of the road above. What the hell are these people doing in my road?

CROSSWALKS

Like sidewalks, crosswalks have the word ‘walk’ in them. That word is four letters. So is the word ‘bike.’ Therefore the crosswalk can be a crossbike if you feel that it should be.

BIKE LANES

The NYC Department of Transportation has converted many vehicular lanes into bike-only lanes that are off-limits to automobiles. This is the only lane a cyclist should use unless you have a hankering for a vehicular lane because no one is the boss of you, so there.

BIKE PATHS

Remember: Bike paths and pedestrian paths are different but look the same because bikes and pedestrians are in both of them at all times.

HELMETS

Wear a helmet! It’s the best way to protect the most important person on the road: You!