This Super Secret Memo Shows How Staples Discourages Shoplifting
Published in
2 min readJan 31, 2017
- As the customer enters the store, make sure to greet them with a cheerful “Hello, welcome to Staples!” so that they feel welcome. Personally interacting with a customer reduces the chances of them shoplifting.
- After the customer has walked 8 feet, have another employee welcome the person to Staples again. When a customer is greeted mere seconds after having been greeted, they are less likely to shoplift because they begin to worry they could be greeted again at any moment.
- Once the customer has entered the store and begins shopping, have an employee introduce themselves to the customer and ask if they need help finding anything. If they say yes, lead them to the item they’re looking for. If they say no, wink at them and back away, using the “got my eyes on you” gesture.
- Wait 40–60 seconds, then dispatch another employee from the opposite end of the aisle to approach the customer, introduce themselves, and ask if they need help finding anything. If they say yes, lead them to the item they’re looking for. If they say no, say “That’s funny. That’s exactly how shoplifters talk.”
- Direct all floor employees to walk around, talking loudly about “all them ceiling cameras” and make sure they refer to “Big Jim, the See-Everything Man.” This will make any customer/potential shoplifter worry that they are being monitored.
- Put on a spontaneous three-act morality play, where the protagonist’s casual theft of Gorilla Glue leads to his wife sleeping with Tad Norris, the jerk who bullied everyone in middle school. Customers are less likely to shoplift if they think it’ll make their wife a bully-banger.
- If you see a customer holding any items, have an employee approach and ask them if they need assistance holding them “Just so’s they don’t magically wind up in your pants.” If the customer says no, the employee should point up to the heavens.
- When a customer appears close to ending their visit, get one of the shelf stockers to feign a gruesome injury. Use red ink liberally for blood, since we get it wholesale. Ask the customer for help applying a tourniquet. Customers are less likely to shoplift from a store when they believe they’ve kept an employee from bleeding to death.
- At check out, have cashiers ask “Did you find everything you were looking for?” as they point to the customer’s pants.
