Written by Ayan Pearl
(Note: The Editor-in-Chief only uploads contributors’ work and does not claim authorship or ownership of this piece.)
A simple yet a passionate song that I originally composed in memory of the first death anniversary of my beloved mother, Rebecca Ramos Cruz, “Hiram” is a Tagalog word which means “borrowed”, and within the word comes its meaning of “making one’s own with a promise of return”. Like the gift of life, just as no matter how we own our lives, it always has a promise of return.
For a little backstory, it was in the midst of 2020 pandemic crisis when my mom was diagnosed with stage 3C breast cancer. But due to a series of lockdown and postponement of her chemotherapy sessions, it progressed to stage 4 on the last quarter of the year with the cancer cells spreading on her lungs.
My mother bravely fought the critical illness and even recovered after being tested positive of Covid19 on her third session. Nevertheless, her treatment seemed to be evidently effective as the tumor on her breast shrunk after two sessions of new chemotherapy protocol.
But the chemo drugs used to battle the aggressive Her2+ cancer cells were too strong that it could weaken the patient’s heart, so we had to monitor her heart condition. All seemed well at first, but little did we know that despite getting cured from Covid19, she had its side effect affecting her heart and blood circulation.
As my mother’s heart got affected by all these complications, it resulted in improper blood flow causing infarct in her brain that led to stroke. Unfortunately, on December 2020, a day before my birthday, I lost my mom. Since then, every morning is like a day of misery and suddenly, I lost a purpose to live.
It was the most difficult time in my life and remembering that event always breaks my heart. So, I made the song “Hiram” hoping to express my sincerest and most heartfelt emotion in losing my beloved mother. The song has been my way to tell her that I will always love her and remember her every day of my life.
At the first and second verse, I looked back on how fast the time passed for a year since my mom was gone, yet my tears would never dry up thinking about her and our miserable last moment of farewell.
That even if I am aware of how time will never stop for a mourning soul, I still can’t help to get hurt while missing her.
That even if a cure in this pandemic slowly arises, the agony of my broken heart is still far from healing.
That even if many years would pass, acceptance and moving on will still be hard and full of uncertainty.
That even if I get older, I will always be longing for my mother’s love for the rest of my days.
For the chorus part, it is my resolve.
Although the borrowed time we had was short-lived, I am thankful.
Even though I will always be in tears reminiscing how we can never get the chance to live our dreams that we were working out together, I am grateful.
In the song, I conveyed my deepest hard feelings of not being able to let go easily, as I am still dreaming of a day to see her again one last time.
Yet all the love and memories that she left behind for me will always be my strength to move forward and I will keep and cherish all of it from the bottom of my heart for the rest of my life.
“Hiram” is my song about love and loss. But just as what the word “hiram” or “borrowed” means, neither the love nor the borrowed life is truly lost, but only returned as promised. I wish for everyone who listen to my song to appreciate not just the meaning behind the lyrics but their loved ones as well. And along with all my hopes and prayers, if heavens got a playlist, may it be chosen to be played for a little paradise sound trip and may it reach the soul of my dearest mom while waiting for my return.
[Note: Listen to Hiram here.]
HIRAM (lyrics)
Verse 1:
Isang taon na
Nung huli kang makita
Parang kahapon lang nang ika’y nawala
Ilang taon pa ba na
Hindi ka na makakasama
Hanggang kalian kaya ito makakaya?
Di pa rin nauubos
Pagluha’y di natatapos
Tuloy pa rin ito sa pag-agos
Subalit lumilipas
Dumadaan ang oras
Nagkakaron na rin ng lunas, kaya
Chorus:
Salamat na rin sa hiram
Kahit ang puso ay nagdamdam
Sa sakit ng ating huling paalam
Mahirap pa ring bumitaw
Di ka man natatanaw
Ikaw pa rin ang hanap sa araw-araw
Verse 2:
Isang taon na
At kahit ilang taon pa nga
Palagi pa rin kitang maaalala
At kahit tumanda pa
Ma-mimiss pa rin kita
Magpapatahan pa rin ng aking mga luha
At kahit na lumipas
Ang di tumitigil na oras
Pagmamahal sa’yo ang aking lunas
(Repeat Chorus)
Verse 3:
Isang taon na
At kahit ilang taon pa nga
Kahit tumanda pa
Ma-mimiss pa rin kita
Hiram…
…
29-year-old Dianne Pearl Cruz goes by her nickname “Ayan Pearl” on social media for easier recognition. She graduated as an engineer but now works as a freelancer, Sun Life advisor, and online novel writer. She’s a Tagalog from Laguna.
She runs a YouTube channel simply named “Ayan Pearl,” where she uploads her original compositions, expressing self-love and dedication for her dear mother. She hopes to inspire others with her songwriting. Ayan is a proud fan of BTS and Taylor Swift.
