Finding Joy
What is it that brings you joy?
An escape to a tropical beach, with swaying palm trees and warm sand beneath your feet?
The first glimpse of your partner’s smile on your wedding day?
The excitement on your child’s face while unwrapping their most anticipated toy?
How about an incoming call about the promotion you had relentlessly worked towards?
This question came to me in quite an unexpected way. I recently went into a drugstore to hunt for a unique pair of earrings for a friend, a tradition I upheld every year. As I approached the second double doors to this rather unusual venue for purchasing jewelry, displayed on the stand was a magazine cover headlined: “Find Your Joy”
Casting a glance, I meandered the aisles. There rummaging through the large inventory of earrings, I began to ponder this idea of finding my joy. What brought me joy and how could I accumulate more of it?
I took these questions seriously and began making a ‘Joy List’ over the next few days. Here’s what my list looked like at the beginning of this exercise:
- The joy of time: Allowing myself a few extra minutes to finish reading a book, finding moments to committedly respond to a friend’s text messages, or reclaiming a few hours to sort and organize.
- The joy of luxury: Working from home, having beyond the basic needs of life, being able to purchase things I needed when I needed them.
- The joy of a full stomach: A delicious meal — like mushroom risotto made from scratch.
- The joy of being present: Car-dancing to my favorite song
- The joy of expressing myself: Unleashing my artistic side through painting and decorating the house
My list grew in the months that followed. But as I added more items to the list, I began to realize that while these things did make me happy, they only provided a finite moment of joy. Once completed, I was often back to my normal mood after some time. That led me to wonder: Is it possible to have both temporary and long-lasting joy?
The Joy of Deeper Familial Connections
While co-planning a workshop with my colleague, I recently learned about her enthusiasm to maintain a virtual component to holiday celebrations this past year. Doing so would ensure those who are immunocompromised still remain protected as well as be a way for family members living far to still participate.
“I want the kids to have a memorable day with family, even if it’s virtual,” she told me.
As we brainstormed themed scavenger hunts, amazing race, and all things fun, she began to beam with excitement. Of course! Positive shared experiences amongst family and friends can bring longer-lasting joy. From planning to the event itself, these were memories she would cherish forever.
This idea inspired me to be more mindful when planning my next event. I began reaching out to family members, creating a digital invitation, and preparing activities — all in a way that would create a transformative experience for everyone. I reflected on Priya Parker’s Art of Gathering where she explores how we meet and why we gather. She explains how better human connections are formed when we give focus to the deeper purpose behind our gatherings. This purpose is what creates increased meaning — to mark, to witness, and to remember.
Very quickly, I came to realize that planning this fun and thoughtful environment required considerable physical and mental effort. And yet, it was worth it, I thought. If I had learned anything from these past pandemic years, it is that I cannot take the people in my life for granted. And, it was essential to find joy and purpose in the effort as much as the event itself to fully invest time in a meaningful way. This was an expression of my love, care, and commitment to them. These thoughts were my first steps towards shared joy.
I experienced much longer-lasting joy, however, when I went beyond the milestone gatherings. I began to take a keen interest in my family. Showing up was essential. But where I had failed to know, I began to listen. Where I had failed to understand, I began to empathize. Over time and with sincerity, I began to form deeper relationships with my family.
This made me joyful.
This was beyond the experience of a single fleeting moment.
The Joy of Deeper Selfless Connections
A friend gifted me meditation cards for everyday living called “May You Know Joy.” Once a month with my eyes closed, I’d pick a card from the pile. This month’s card read: May you know kindness.
“Yes, I hope kindness comes my way!” I exerted and began my day.
But coming back to the card a few days later, I realized that despite the positive intent of the message, it wasn’t really creating a joyful feeling within. In fact, it did quite the opposite. It then dawned on me: what if it was I who needed to extend kindness to others? I couldn’t rely on others to fulfill my wish of kindness, I thought. I have to be the one to give it!
It was at this time that my workplace participated in an “Adopt-A-Family” charity. We would ‘adopt’ a family and collectively purchase items to gift them. While purchasing my contribution, I began to have the urge to give more — not for any type of recognition or appreciation, but because the act itself was creating joy within me. It was an amazing feeling — this idea of giving selflessly.
Kindness, of course, isn’t only about giving monetarily or materialistically. I’d often teach my students the value of acknowledgment with a heartfelt smile — how it’s a beautiful gift that could be given to anyone we meet!
When I extended this lesson to my life, I slowly experienced the joys of humanity and friendship. My starting point was to dive inward. Wherever my expectations of joy were predicated on the thoughts and actions of others, I flipped that expectation onto myself. I worked towards seeing beyond myself and my needs. I began giving genuine attention to the people I met. I practiced providing no judgment. I exercised an open mind when interacting with others — at the workplace, at community gatherings, and even online. It certainly wasn’t easy. I continually unlearn the “me mindset” and endeavor towards shifting this innate focus from myself to others. In doing so, remarkably and ironically, this selfless outlook has given me a sense of belonging. I feel a sweet sense of responsibility toward the people I meet. I feel a part of something beautiful, where I have the power to create inner joy. These were my first steps to deeper collective connections.
This made me joyful.
This was beyond the experience of a single fleeting moment.
The Joy of Deeper Connections with Myself
In a recent conversation about the events in our lives, a friend expressed how daily workouts were becoming a game changer for him. He spoke about the sense of accomplishment he felt in maintaining this discipline. And, while sometimes tough to follow through, the routine had managed to create joy within him. This led me to think about how I could also experience the longer-lasting joy of self-investment.
Here are a few things I committed to:
- Expanding my knowledge base and viewpoints through reading: Committing 15 minutes each evening became a practical investment to better understanding myself and the world around me.
- Achieving a calm and stable mental state through meditation. Setting a period of time aside each morning to sit still, focus on my breathing, and be in the moment was foundational. Then, for five minutes — three times during the day- I worked towards completely stepping away from whatever I was doing to re-center and realign my thoughts. Eventually, these brief moments of disengagements became equally, if not even more joyful, than anything I was occupied with.
- Taking stock of my emotions and assessing the reasons behind them through daily introspections: Through compassionate questioning, I strived to understand my needs, circumstance, and current environment. I reflected if my needs and actions were meeting my values and in alignment with the person I was aspiring to be.
Such investments have helped me to build a better relationship with myself. They have paved the way towards my physical, mental, and spiritual health and have become my vessel for growth. These were my first steps to a deeper connection with myself.
This made me joyful.
This was beyond the experience of a single fleeting moment.
Who would have ever thought that a trip to the drugstore could be so transformative? I feel fortunate to have found what makes me joyful. But discovering joy is just the beginning! We must learn to sustain the joys of our lives- the temporary and the longer-lasting. In pursuing mine, I’ll leave you with one critical lesson I’ve learned:
Living in a time of ‘insta’-gratification does not always allow me to live out or extend my joyfulness. Sure, photos of our joyful moments are great — they capture and preserve the memory. Posting and sharing these moments is also wonderful — they create shared experiences. But the best way to sustain these joys is to tap into them often. Relive them by recalling them. Work towards them continuously and the joys will become constant.
Deepa Gohill, Toronto, Canada
Educator
