Have You Heard?

Joseph Conrad, a Polish-British writer, put it nicely, “Gossip is what no one claims to like, but everybody enjoys.”

Gossip is considered by most to be a normal part of life. The problem is that gossip can become so malicious that it destroys a person’s self-esteem. Spreading gossip through the internet and cell phones has led to social and emotional damage for many people. There’s no doubt about it; gossip hurts. Those who constantly gossip don’t care who they’re hurting.

Words of mouth are more authoritative on paper. But it’s not just the tone of gossip that has affected our public discourse. It has corrupted our content. In an unpleasant self-fulfilling prophecy, gossip is seen as something which sells well and is, therefore, increasingly all we get from news of royals walking about and wearing clothes to reports on spats between entirely fictional characters in soaps.

Why Do We Gossip?

Psychologists have studied various aspects of gossip. They’ve discovered that the main reason we do it is to build social bonds with others. The dislikes shared between groups of people is more potent in human bonding than common likes and interests. When people engage in gossip, they feel a shared sense of humor and mutual interests. They also feel a certain thrill when divulging “confidential information” about others.

We’ve all heard it, and unfortunately, we’ve probably all played a part in it at some point or another. “Did you hear about Jack and Jill hooking up? Did you see how awful Tammy’s hair looked at that party? Guess who’s having marital problems?”

Words like these come spilling out of our mouths. Regardless of who may be hurt by the gossip, many people simply enjoy sharing gossip with their friends. We gossip so much that a study found about 80% of our conversations are spent discussing other people and their habits. Many people who gossip constantly revel in the misfortunes of others. When someone fails, has an embarrassing moment, or is involved in a “scandal,” a gossiper takes pleasure in the fact that someone else is hurting, and they can’t wait to share. It is important to remember that you’re hurting another person when you gossip, whether directly or indirectly. It might be tempting, but we really could do with less of it.

Can we avoid gossip?

It seems that gossip is everywhere and can be hard to avoid.

But there is a way. Next time someone attempts to pull you into gossip, see if this phrase can help. Psychologists have revealed a phrase that can stop a gossiper dead in their tracks. When someone is trying to involve you in a negative conversation about another person, simply ask,

“Why are you telling me this?”

Psychologists believe this phrase is effective for several reasons. First, the question dispels any self-serving motive from the gossiper. Second, it forces the gossiper to face the fact that you’re uninterested in being involved.

Relationship expert Andrea Syrtash explained that while gossip can help people bond with others, it can also be extremely hurtful. “People can use gossip to drag someone else under the bus, or it can help establish trust in someone,” she said. “But it’s worth being careful. If someone is always giving you the dirt on other people, you are part of the mix when she talks to someone else. So be careful how much information you share.”

There’s an old Irish saying, “Those who gossip to you will one day gossip of you.”

Three ways to avoid gossip

1. Chime in with something ‘positive’: If a person gossips constantly, it is probably because they lack self-esteem or self-worth. Stop the gossip by saying positive things about the gossiper’s target. Don’t let yourself be dragged down into negativity.

2. Start a conversation about cultural differences: If the subject of the gossip is from another culture, the gossiper may be spreading rumors because they do not understand their customs and traditions. Help the gossiper realise that everyone is different, and acceptance goes a long way.

3. Point out missing information: A gossiper’s story often has holes. One way to shut down gossip is to challenge the gaps in their story. This approach might help them understand that just because they heard a story, that doesn’t mean it’s true. And even if it is true, they can’t have an accurate perspective on the situation unless they were there and experienced it personally.

The Triple Filter Test

One day, a friend met the great philosopher Socrates. “Do you know what I have just heard about your friend?”

“Hold on a minute,” requested Socrates. “Before you go ahead, please pass the Triple Filter Test.”

“The Triple Filter Test?” asked his friend. “What is that?”

“Let me explain,” said Socrates, and he continued. “Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you are going to say.”

His friend was bemused, but he listened to the advice patiently.

“The first filter is ‘Truth’. Have you made sure what you are about to tell me is true?”

“Well, no,” replied his friend. “Actually, I have just heard about it.”

“Okay, so you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let us try the second filter — the filter of ‘Goodness’. Whatever it is that you want to tell me about my friend, is it good?” Socrates asked.

“No, it’s quite the opposite,” replied his friend.

“So, you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test because there’s one filter left — the filter of ‘Usefulness’. Is it going to be useful to me?” asked Socrates.

“No, not really,” replied his friend.

“Well, if what you tell me is neither true nor good or useful to me, then why tell me at all?”

Gossip may not be true; it may not be good; it may not be useful. So why indulge in gossip at all?

Jnanpurushdas Swami
BAPS Swaminarayan Sanstha