I Value Me

While preparing a Pinterest-inspired poster board with her two children, Trista Sutter asked them what they wanted to be when they grew up. Enthusiastically, her daughter jumped up and yelled she wanted to be a dancer, a singer, a teacher, an artist, a movie producer, a hairstylist, a physical therapist, a veterinarian, and a mom. Max, her son, however, having contemplated for a few minutes, emphatically said, “I want to be like you, Mom! I want to do nothing!”

Trista was taken back. Clearly, her son didn’t mean that, for she did plenty. “Doesn’t he know that I do anything but do nothing, especially when it comes to our home and family? I spend my days picking up this and putting away that, cooking, cleaning, planning, sending, sewing, driving, and anything else necessary to help keep a roof over my family’s head, food in our bellies, and smiles on our faces. To think he didn’t appreciate or recognize that his answer made me question my value. Especially when his innocent reply hadn’t yet been jaded by what he should say, so it had to be the truth, right?”

After spending some weeks in reflection, Trista discovered something that put her completely at ease. She narrates: “Well, looking back, it was his truth. In Max’s case, what he said was an incredible compliment. He saw being “just a mom,” as being happy and fulfilled, giving the phrase, the most positive of connotations.” However, only a few months earlier, when asked to introduce herself in a video chat of fellow presenters who would be speaking at TEDx, she defensively and insecurely introduced herself by saying, “Oh, me! I’m just a mom.” Only through Max did Trista realize that she was holding the hammer and chipping away at her self-worth, not anyone else.

The way we see ourselves is the most authentic reflection of our self-worth. And yet, it is the last measure we strive to recognize, cultivate, and nurture. To illustrate this point, see if you relate to any of the following:

Busyness

Have you ever felt the need to be a part of everything? Attending baby showers, birthday parties, potlucks, and tailgates — for fear of missing out or from the fear of disappointing others?

Or volunteering yourself to 100 different tasks to feel some level of self-worth?

How about throwing yourself to working long hours for the sheer desire to accumulate beyond what will make you happy? To get a bigger house, a better car, fancy gadgets, so you can maintain a certain social status among your peers?

Desire to be Loved

Have you ever obsessed over a lost relationship? Or feel severely inadequate upon a rejection? How hard was it to pick yourself up afterwards? Did you feel the need to prove that you indeed are good enough?

Ever felt so debilitated by a parent’s neglect, family strife, lost touch with a family member or friend that it crept up into every part of your life?

Pursuit of Perfection

Have you ever felt that you would be more attractive and accepted by others if you looked a certain way? Gorging over beauty products, diet plans, unfitting exercise routines that don’t speak to who you are or make you happy?

Have you ever felt the need to be great at something, or even everything, not for the pure joy of it, but to impress others? For recognition or fame? To gain acceptance from loved ones? To fit in or feel chosen?

Were you able to identify with any of the above? Even somewhat vaguely? The truth is, as human beings, our most basic desire is to be loved, protected, appreciated, and valued. And when we aren’t loved, appreciated, or valued in the way we need or want, we crumble.

Now, some setback, of course, is common. But when we begin to unravel in ways that impact us more profoundly and gravely, to the point that we’re unable to cope and move past the circumstance, this causes serious concerns. This crumbling can take shape in varying degrees and numerous forms: self-deprecation, sadness, anger, addiction, greed, revenge, or throwing ourselves to work or busyness without any aim.

But why? Why does this occur, and how can we step away from such crumbling?

This unravelling occurs because we allow others to dictate our value. We give them the power to tell us who we are, while the only person who knows you best is you. In fact, no matter how badly you may want others to perceive you as you see yourself, as you are, people are only able to perceive you to the extent that their lens allows them to. And their lenses are entirely different from yours — influenced by their upbringings, values, experiences, relationships, and beliefs.

Only you can shape your reality, your dreams, your goals, your ideals, your beliefs, and, really, everything else. So how can anyone dictate your self-worth? That power is yours and yours only. That’s precisely what Trista had discovered! While not a revolutionary thought, this thought is worth being reinforced daily. So, what are some ways we can exercise self-empowerment more effectively and meaningfully to love and mold ourselves despite any circumstance?

The Stuff that Makes You, You!

The path to progress must always begin with self-reflection. By looking inward, we can hold an honest account of who we were before, who we are now, and how we would like to change going forward. One can exercise this reflection through brainstorming, journaling, or meditation.

You are also the product of your thoughts, your values, beliefs, and experiences. By reflecting on each of these, we can more substantively assess our personalities, preferences, and behavior. In turn, this assessment helps us to identify and mold our self-worth through (1) Engagement and (2) Disengagement.

Engagement:

Here are five questions that can help you to fine-tune yourself and build towards your self-worth:

• Which habits do I hold that no longer serve me? Which habits do I want to establish that align with my health, personal, and spiritual goals? What are some practical ways I can develop and maintain these habits more consistently?
• What are my values? Why are they important to me? And how do my thoughts and actions align with those values?
• How do I respond to failure, rejection, and criticism? Why do I react that way, and how can I better respond to these challenges?
• How can I forgive myself when I err? How can I maintain my self-respect during this time?

Disengagement:

We’ve talked about active engagement to build up our self-worth slowly. However, what happens when things and circumstances beyond your control confront us? In such situations, we must learn to disengage. Try the following two techniques:

Practice Sãnkhya-Vichãr

What is Sãnkya-Vichãr? A Hindu concept, Sãnkya-Vichãr is a mental process by which one can disengage and focus on oneself. The word vichãr means thought. Sãnkya refers to the fundamental belief that almost everything we witness in this world is perishable and vain. By cultivating the understanding that everything and everyone around us will one day cease to exist, one gradually becomes detached. Practicing this thought allows us to let go of things more easily.

It relieves us of the burdens of the things we cannot change and helps us cope. It gives us the strength to move forward.

Prayer

When we’ve exhausted all of our efforts, prayer becomes the medium for garnering strength. It is the act of accepting the limits of what we can do and leaning into a higher power with humility and sincerity.

However, it’s essential to recognize that through our shortsightedness and narrow-mindedness, when we pray, we often ask for all the riches of the world. But as we discussed above, the world’s riches are all too binding — they fail to give us permanent happiness. Just see, as we grow older, our prayers change. As children, we may have prayed for good grades and the latest toy. As adults, we may pray for a better job or better pay, a loving partner, and a good home. While these prayers are not wrong, it’s also important to pray for the empowerment of the soul, which will grant us a more permanent type of happiness. This type of prayer will stand as an inexhaustible reservoir for strength, motivation, and stability.

In conclusion, change the way you view yourself and change your world! I leave you with words from Invictus, a poem by William Ernest Henley, that often inspire me:

“I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”

Bhavisha Doshi, Civil Engineer
North Bergen, NJ