In Your Own Hands
On one side you have the honey bee. And on the other, a fly. Both fly here and there, but each has a very different approach.
The honey bee flies from flower to flower, extracting only the nectar, without disturbing the flower itself. The mindset of a honey bee is to seek the essence of each flower. Even in a place filled with piles of rotting garbage, rather than giving its attention to all the filth, the honey bee focuses on finding nectar. It will eagerly seek out even a single tiny flower amidst lots of garbage.
We can use the honey bee example to teach us important lessons in terms of relationships with others. The honey bee teaches us the art of focusing on the positives and dealing appropriately with the faults in each other. There will be deficiencies everywhere and in everyone. There is never a shortage of things to complain about, but just as the honey bee seeks nectar, even in the most unexpected places, we can learn to focus on the positive qualities in those around us.
On the other hand, the fly represents another type of mindset. It travels over hundreds of flowers, but where does its focus lie? It focuses on tasting garbage and filth. It ignores the sweet fragrance of rose gardens. Even in the best of circumstances and in the cleanest places, the fly will focus on the trash. This behavior represents the mindset of ignoring the good qualities in those around us and concentrating primarily on their faults.
Why does this happen?
1. Fault-finding is a habit
It is so easy and requires no effort to see the flaws in others. It is an unchallenged way of getting a subtle lift to our self-esteem by diminishing someone else’s value. Finding faults in others silently infers that we are better than them and naturally plays to our ego. Henry David Thoreau observed that “the fault-finder will find faults even in paradise.” Just like any habit, fault-finding takes a conscious effort to break.
2. We judge people by their “cover” (outer qualities and actions)
We often make the mistake of perceiving others through our ingrained, narrow beliefs and assumptions such as others’ status, skills, talents, the color of their skin, appearance, and social profile. We often jump to conclusions. Our preconceived notion about someone or something influences what we see. In other words, our attitude shapes our perception of the world within which we live.
3. Superiority Complex
Sometimes, we look at ourselves as far more superior than others. If we think about it, the underlying reason for this attitude is nothing but our arrogance or ego: “What I believe is always right. My opinion is the best, and others’ opinions are useless. My approach is always right, and others’ approach is not worthwhile.”
This creates a spiral of ego-centric mindset, which, in turn, fuels our ego. As a result, we look at others as inferior to us. It is a vicious trap. We then tend to belittle others and look down upon certain individuals who ‘don’t fit in’ with us.
What can we do to develop a positive attitude?
1. Practice ‘Emotional Hygiene’
“A hundred years ago, people began practicing personal hygiene, and life expectancy rates rose by over 50 percent in just a matter of decades,” says Dr. Guy Winch, a leading psychologist in New York.
Dr. Winch continues, “I believe our quality of life could rise just as dramatically if we all began practicing ‘emotional hygiene’ by battling negative thinking. One will not only heal one’s psychological wounds, but one will build emotional resilience and thrive. People will then feel happier, more fulfilled, and the world would be a better place to live in.”
2. Change the way we look at things
There is a very relevant illustration to help explain this. Akbar, the great mogul emperor, once had a dream. In the dream, he had only one tooth left. Puzzled by it, he consulted his astrologer to interpret the dream. The astrologer studied his chart and gave his verdict that all of Akbar’s family members would die before him. The king became disheartened and furious. He immediately expelled the astrologer from his kingdom. Later, he called for Birbal, his personal adviser, and asked him to interpret the dream. Birbal thought for a while and said, “Your majesty, the dream reveals that you shall live longer than your family members.”
Pleased to hear of his long and healthy life, Akbar rewarded Birbal. Both interpretations were the same, but with one big difference. The astrologer negatively classified the dream. He put a negative frame around it that evoked a negative emotion in Akbar. He became frustrated, angry, and threw the astrologer out. Birbal, on the other hand, classified the dream positively. He put a positive frame around it. Instead of saying, “The glass is half empty, he said the glass is half full.”
Rather than saying, “Your family members would die before you,” he said, “You shall live a longer.” Birbal’s success was his ability to represent things in a positive light.
3. Become a little humble
We all find it difficult to admit when we might be wrong. In an increasingly polarized world, it seems as if people are more convinced of their own beliefs and less willing to contemplate other’s points views.
“The idea of intellectual humility is that we should be humble in our opinions and humble in our beliefs and conclusions. We have to know our limits”, says David Dunning, a social psychologist.
In relationships, it is essential to have honest and sincere communication. Focusing on appreciating the positives while graciously and constructively dealing with the negatives and trying to bring out the best in each other will help us recognize the positive qualities within ourselves and overcome unhealthy low self-esteem.
The world is full of both good and bad. There are bound to be virtues in everyone on this planet, and there are bound to be drawbacks. We have the power to choose what we focus on.
To be the honey bee or the fly — it is entirely in your own hands.
Jnanpurushdas Swami
BAPS Swaminarayan Sanstha
