To All The Girls I Have Been
“I like the scars because I like the stories. Bravery, stupidity, pain — none of them come free” — Jessica Martinez, Virtuosity
It has not been easy at all. Getting here. Summoning you for this dialogue. Admitting that I have been restless all these years that we’ve been at war. I have done everything humanly possible to replace you. I have drowned myself in food, music, art, books, poetry, my career, people and love, just to avoid any possible contact with you.
How could I do that? Disown you. Be so ashamed of you that I made it my life’s mission to detach from you. When all along you were not the enemy. When all along, this is the only relationship that is guaranteed to stay until the very end.
So, hear me out. Let’s talk, shall we?
I saw you, at thirteen, when you got your first period and you were so terrified. You were all alone in boarding school. You had prepared multiple times for this day, and it still scared you. You quickly got used to it, though. But you yearned for the guidance of an older woman. All you wanted was for her to tell you that you would be okay. That staining your dress during mass at school was not a transgression. I see you! I salute your bravery at that time! You did so well with all that fear and the little knowledge you had about what it meant to become a woman.
I saw you, at seventeen, when your world shattered into a million pieces. When they coined an identity for you just because they couldn’t understand you. The Truant. The Atheist. The Complicated Girl. They were wrong! Oh, they had no idea how much damage they were causing! You deserved to be heard. You deserved to be understood. You deserved unconditional love and empathy. They were the adults — they should have held space for you to get through the confusion that comes with being a teenager.
I saw you, at nineteen, when you joined Law School. You had finally started the journey towards the career of your dreams. You moved out from home — it was the first time you were living alone. Then it all came crashing down on you. Adulting. School. Friendships. A demanding Course. Eventually, you became a shell of yourself. You became grounded, unable to do even the smallest tasks and activities you previously enjoyed. You got a diagnosis for severe depression and anxiety. You were all alone. You single-handedly got yourself through that storm. I see you! You were deserving of peace and a smooth transition into adulthood like your friends. You didn’t have to go through it all alone. Yet you were exceptionally good at it.
I saw you, at twenty one, when you made the decision to quit Law School. This is the point at which I say that I am in awe of just how audacious you’ve been all along. You stood by that decision even when no one understood why at first. You had found something else that you were willing to risk it all for. Of course they couldn’t have understood that! Because how dare you drop out of one of the most prestigious courses around? Because, isn’t law all you’ve ever wanted to do? And all for what? To become a mental health professional? I see you! I am who I am today because of you! You are my hero!
I saw you, at twenty two, when life finally started to make sense. You became happier. And healthier. You became a Certified Life Coach. You founded Jasiri Life Coaching. You got back out there. You loved. You lost. You grieved broken relationships & friendships. You explored. You started therapy. You met new people. You mastered self love & self care. You celebrated the people in your life. You were bold. I see you! I honor you!
I see you, at twenty three, feeling stuck and trying to reinvent your life. Your biggest questions— what went wrong? Wasn’t I living? Wasn’t I happy? Why am I here? You are growing — just 3 months to twenty four. And growing means that you will be presented with new challenges. And there will be patterns that you must acknowledge, sit still and work through them. You already know this. I see you! You haven’t been wasting time. You have been in a transitional period and rest was paramount. You’ve got this! You still have it in you to birth all those noble ideas that keep you awake at night. You can still write. And teach. And facilitate transformation. And run your firm. And sing. And complete your current course in school. And go back to Law School. And be happy. And be free. And repair your relationship with yourself. You still have time! Will you please believe me?
I see you, here and now, looking at me. Wondering if I love you. Yearning to come closer. I do! I love you! I will love you till my last breathe! You can come closer. I am done fighting you! You are safe with me! You fought through the unthinkable to get me here. You can now pass the baton to me. You can rest! I’ll take it over from here. I will get us to the other side safely. Will you forgive me? For all the times I looked down on you. For wishing you away. I hope you can gradually forgive me. I am so sorry for all the years you spent in pain. For all the times you looked up for my validation and I wasn’t there. For all the time we have been apart.
To Love You. To Nurture You. To Protect You. To Work With and For You. To Honor You. That’s my solemn vow to you today.
Love, Wanjiru Mwangi.
