New Orleans Officials Promise to Destroy All Arena Bathrooms in Time for 2017 All-Star Game

NEW ORLEANS — The NBA is expected to announce the relocation of the 2017 All-Star game to New Orleans, Louisiana. The decision came as a response to House Bill 2 in North Carolina, which forced patrons to use the bathroom of their birth assigned gender. New Orleans officials have promised to take measures which keep the festivities controversy-free.

“We really want to ensure that there are no problems. We’ve really put a lot of thought into mitigating any issues that could possibly occur and make the city or event seem discriminatory” explained New Orleans mayor Mitch Landrieu.

They have planned to demolish the inside of all bathrooms so guests will not be able to tell whether it was meant for male or females. “We have left a series of drains in the bathrooms. It lets people know that you can poop or pee here, but since it’s just a hole in the ground really anyone can use it. It’s very ambiguous”

Additional plans include hiring of color blind ushers to ensure that quality of service is maintained for everyone regardless of color, and mandating that all guests receive a buzz-cut before entering the area. “We want to make sure that people don’t feel like their hair should determine their identity and impact their experience. We want people not to be discriminated in anyway based on looks. We figured this is the only way to make things equal”