What advice would you give to parents of LGBT+ youth?
June marks the official Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT+) Pride Month, coinciding with the anniversary of the Stonewall Uprising in 1969, which is known as a tipping point for the Gay Liberation Movement in the U.S.
At Bayer, BLEND, one of our many Business Resource Groups (BRG) open to all of our employees, started in the U.S. during the 1990s in Berkeley, CA. Now with other chapters in the U.S., and around the world, BLEND supports a healthy and trusting environment that is free of prejudice and fair for all.
We asked BLEND members who are parents of LGBT+ individuals: What advice would you give to parents of LGBT+ youth? Please take a few minutes to read each of their stories.
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By Laura Schafer, Principal Clinical Data Engineer, Research and Development, Pharmaceuticals Division, Bayer U.S.
I have three wonderful children. My son Brian is gay, and Erica identifies as queer. Brian came out to us after his first year of college. That summer, during our commutes, he would ask what I thought of the show “Modern Family” or gay rights. We chatted, and I thought nothing of it. We were out at dinner one night, when he told my husband and me. I think our initial reaction was very underwhelming but hopefully reassuring. Nothing has changed. We’re all still the same people with the same love. We welcomed his LGBTQIA+ friends and relationships into our home.
Erica did not come out until after graduation from college. I was happy that she had had girlfriends and had been enjoying typical college experiences. As an adult, she was not living with us, but we’ve always made clear her partners are welcome to come home with her.
Does it change things? Sure, we live in a world where cis-hetero is the norm. Your family is travelling a different path. But it doesn’t change the fundamentals. The best advice I can give to other parents:
Embrace your child’s new-to-you identity.
“Love is Love Is Love” is an oft-quoted, simple, yet powerful statement. Your child hasn’t changed, and your love and relationship with them hasn’t changed. At the most fundamental, your desires for your child — safety, good health, a satisfying life, fulfilling relationships — haven’t changed.
I love this picture of all my children at the 2019 World Pride in NYC. Erica, Stephanie, Peter (Brian’s husband) and Brian showing their love and support for each other; they all look so radiant! They’ve found a community of love and acceptance, and lead rich, fulfilling lives. As a parent, I couldn’t ask for anything more.
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By Stefanie Mertz, Executive Assistance to Biologics Research and Development, Crop Science Division, Bayer U.S.
Every mom wants the best for their children. As a mom of three, I didn’t come into motherhood with all the answers but I knew I wanted to be the kind of mom that her kids could look to for support and to be that safe space no matter what.
When my eldest child came out in high school, I wouldn’t say I was surprised or unprepared. I knew my son well. In fact I had been patiently waiting for him to get to a place in his personal journey to be able to say, “Mom, I’m gay.” I didn’t try to force it out of him with innuendo or playful teasing, but rather I felt it was important to remain supportive. I wanted to be the one he could trust to provide resources and on his timeline.
In reality, I had been doing research and preparing since he was in the 8th grade. By the time he was in the 12th grade, I was used to his aversion to the topic. Despite my mental mapping, I still wasn’t fully prepared for the flood of feelings that surfaced once he shared his truth. I had so many questions and concerns about his future personally and our future as a family. I started to worry.
I worried about his health.
I worried about his mental welfare.
I worried about him becoming a target for hate.
Who could hate my son? The person who so thoughtfully clears the dinner table and insists on doing the dishes. The incredible person who engages everyone in conversation and cares so much for others to the point of people pleasing. Over the years, I have had many fellow parents compliment my son on being well-mannered and easy going. I’ve even had parents tell me they consider him a role model for their children. Who could hate him? Yet, I knew people would. I feared people would hate him based on their ignorance, intolerance and fear-based misperceptions.
So, imagine my shock when one of those parents, who on many occasions pulled me aside to express how much she loved my son, proclaimed she would no longer associate with us after his coming out. Perhaps she felt she was being supportive or felt her “condolences” for my son being gay were some sort of expression of kindness and empathy. But to me, her words were offensive. I felt compelled to correct her, to stand up to her passive aggressive expression of prejudice.
Going through that experience wasn’t easy. I’ve gone through many evolutions while parenting my gay son. I can say I am not as fearful for his personal safety now that he is 28. I trust he knows all the current health risks and protection options available to him as a gay man.
If I could share just one thing with other parents, it would be to raise your children to be allies. We need to build a society based on understanding, empathy and acceptance to eradicate hate. Together with this approach, I believe we can save lives.
Helpful Resources:
https://www.familyequality.org/
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
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By Gregory LeCleir, Deputy Director, U.S. Advocacy Relations, Pharmaceuticals, Bayer U.S.
As parents, we naturally want what is best for our children. And of course, that is defined by us. That is until our children reach a certain age and can truly make decisions for themselves. And we are especially concerned about the health, welfare, and safety of our children from the day they are born. This concern takes on a new meaning when our children are either from, or identify with, a marginalized community. These children face many challenges and obstacles society still places in their path.
This was the case for our family when our oldest son came out and identified as a gay adolescent. Adding to the complexity, I was going through my own similar journey and we were trying to figure out exactly how that would work and the impact it would have on us as a family unit. One might think this parallel journey would be easier since we were dealing with the same issue. Nothing could be further from the truth. I didn’t have the experience to be able to help guide my son through his journey towards living his truth. And there was an entire family being affected at the same time.
We recognized love and acceptance was simply not enough. We had to become our son’s biggest allies and help him find the skills, tools, and resources to enable him to live his life authentically and safely. A tough feat for any adolescent, not to mention one going through a transition like this!
Here is where the advice comes in. When these changes happen in our lives we must recognize where the gaps are. Once you know, then you can maneuver the myriad of resources and help available today. Seek the guidance of those who have done this already. Do not try to learn on your own. There is such power in being in a community. We were able to tap into organizational resources and align ourselves with families with similar experiences. And don’t be afraid to seek mentorship from trusted family, friends or colleagues who have made it through this challenging landscape.
In our case, I had the great fortune of meeting a friend who was trusted by my entire family and who experienced his own journey as an adolescent. He had forged a good life and knew the pitfalls and important issues that our son would face. And he didn’t have to face them alone! In the end, that friend would eventually become my life partner and a third parent to our three children.
The story has a happy ending to it as well. Because we were open to seeking help, we have been able to continue as a family unit. We are well adjusted to our new normal and consider ourselves lucky to have such a closeness, even to this day. And our son, Gregory, has blossomed into a successful and caring adult who is a positive role model for others and a fantastic contributor and member of society. But it did take a village and the acceptance that we did not have all the answers.
I guess one could say we truly found a way to turn potential chaos into function! Love is love!
