The “Five” Types of Cocktails, and How To Put Them In You
So perhaps in your time on this planet have discovered something called a “flavor.” Your first instinct was probably to call the police, but you can’t do that since there’s no such thing as “the police.” Your second instinct was probably wishing that you could drink it in liquid form and also that it got you drunk. That’s a totally normal thing for you to think and you don’t need any fancy doctors to tell you otherwise. Well, the good news is cocktails, unlike cops, are real and very drinkable, and for just the change in your pocket, plus several more dollars and minus the change, you too can have yourself one of these “cocktails” that all the boys down at the YMCA are hootin’ and hollerin’ about on the squash court.
Of course, there are some things you should know before putting any liquid in your mouth. For instance, does the bottle say “Windex?” If so, do not drink it. That’s Windex and it’s used for scaring birds. You probably also want to know what kind of cocktails exist, and what will make your mouth say “Yes more!” on its own without any prompting from you and in a much deeper and different voice from your own. That’s where I, a professional Liquid Man myself, come in. Here is the definitive list of cocktails that do, could, or possibly exist:
The Stirred Cocktail AKA “Grandpa’s First Wife.”
The first type of cocktail is the kind of cocktail you want if you don’t want fruit blood (AKA juice AKA nature sauce) in your drink. This is the kind of drink that says “I own a cardigan and also still consume physical media.” These drinks are also usually several different kinds of pure alcohol mixed together, so put on your dancing shoes ‘cause the devil’s in town and there’s a sock hop tonight. My favorite drink in this category is the Kingston Negroni because it tastes like DIVORCE and CANDY had a baby named SLAM DUNK.
The Shaken Cocktail AKA “The Prisoner’s Luau”
The shaken cocktail is the most popular cocktail because it includes the aforementioned “nature sauce” and also because it drives a totally sick car. Shaking a cocktail used to be a sign of arrogance as not everyone had ice, and it’s not kind to point out how poor someone is. Nevertheless, a good shaken cocktail is one that might make a fancy lady say “Wow!” or make a young, tender man start a band called GENESIS. Some good shaken cocktails are the Daiquri, the Paper Plane, and of course, the famous Margarita. Watch out for the last one, it owns many guns.
Bottle Service AKA “Not My Couch”
Some bars will serve what is called a “regular bottle of liquor” for only many more hundreds of dollars than what it is worth. This is what we in the industry call “bottle service” or “Faust’s Lament.” My main problem with bottle service is that when I’m doing it, I’m not on my couch and also not not wearing clothes. This can be avoided by buying something called “thinking ahead.” I “think ahead” all the time, and as such am afforded the luxury of drinking bottle service while also being able to yell at my TV. You can’t live in a pineapple, little yellow ocean man, they are structurally unlivable!
The Classics AKA “Mark Twain Probably Drank This”
When I say “The Classics” I am not talking about Prohibition-era or even pre-Prohibiton-era, so leave your suspenders and fancy mustache in that magic box that vagrant gave you when you were a child. I’m talking about straight up old dude gangster shit. Brandy and two whole eggs, scotch and dog piss, bourbon and creek water. That last one is real. It’s called a Bourbon and Branch and the inventor probably died from drinking one, but he was a hero and you are a coward. Join the Army and die, coward.
Just Fernet AKA “Just Fernet”
This will make you look like you are in “the know.” Bartenders everywhere drink Fernet because nobody buys it and managers generally don’t care what happens to it. It tastes like “mouthwash” and “a good time” got rude and savage in a classic car at Makeout Point. This isn’t really a cocktail, but sometimes it comes in a fancy glass.
Freestyle AKA “Crazy Style” AKA “Dad’s Not Home”
This is the kind of drink where anything goes and there are no rules. Like in Fight Club when Brad Pitt looks at the camera and says, “This isn’t really a great movie or book but some messed up dudes are gonna take it way too seriously,” these cocktails are a force to be reckoned with. Shit in this category can get you killed, or worse, killed twice. I once had a freestyle cocktail that was just a cock fight in the bar’s basement. I didn’t even ask for it, I ordered a summer ale.
Wrapping Up
So that’s my guide to making liquid that’s outside of you suddenly inside of you. What you drink and what you like is completely up to you and your god. What’s important is that you like it, otherwise you’re just another person holding something they don’t like in their hand, and baby, I’ve got 50 channels on my cable devoted to just that kind of thing. It’s wild. Just people holding stuff they don’t care for. “I Didn’t Ask For This: Peoria” is pretty good though.
