From Heartbroken to “HeroBoyfriend”
In early 2014 I quit my job as a successful lawyer and launched a startup. Within 3 months my 12 year relationship with the girl of my dreams was dead. The girl I thought I would grow old with was now “my ex”, and I was left trying to make sense of the broken pieces. This my story of how it happened and what I learned.
Love at First Sight
We met on the beach in Philip Island, New Years Eve 2002. She told me she was from Zimbabwe and I believed her. She spoke with this funny accent which I later learned was an in-joke between girlfriends. It was a way to tease would-be suitors like myself. She was captivating. Tall, dark with amazing brown eyes. I could tell she was creative and probably complex. I fell for her straight away.
It took 6 weeks before she agreed to go on a date with me. Our first date and anniversary date for many years to come was 14 February 2003. Yes, Valentines Day. We went to the Corner Hotel in Richmond to see a band called Spoon. I didn’t know who they were but somehow I figured she would find them cool. Turns out she didn’t know them either. And between all the supporting acts we could never figure out which one they were.
Over the next 12 years we traveled to Europe, Dubai and Bali. I took pride on doting on her, surprising her with flowers and weekend trips away. With little love letters and handmade gifts. We talked about getting married, buying a house, having a baby. But unfortunately those things always took a backseat to my aspirations, my career and my drive for personal growth.
My Career
First it was university — five and a half years of intense study so I could land a good job. I passed Law and Business with First Class Honours and secured a graduate job at the Reserve Bank of Australia. Within the first year I quickly grew bored and restless. I didn’t think so at the time, but in hindsight it was a great job. As soon as the 2-year graduate program ended I returned to Melbourne and sought a job in the financial markets.
Volatility in the financial markets was at an all-time high, and there was a lot of media attention. It was an exciting time to be in the markets and the next two years could hardly have been more tumultuous. I started out as an FX dealer and worked my way to a position trading European bond derivatives. It sounds more glamorous than it really was. Work started at 6.00 pm each night, so I was almost never at home. When I was, I was always reading, researching and analysing the recent price action. Traders will know what I’m talking about. When you have “risk on” it’s almost impossible to think of anything else. I must have been unbearable to live with.
In late 2009, I quit financial markets and began a new life as a lawyer after a short break. I was fortunate enough to land a position as a taxation lawyer at Maddocks Lawyers, a mid-tier firm in Melbourne. Working with an incredibly talented team, I had the privilege of running many high profile tax cases. Unlike most other firms, we worked both for taxpayers and the Tax Office. I even got to run a High Court case and met the Solicitor General.
But it still wasn’t enough. Motivated by my desire for more autonomy and creativity, I quit my job and co-founded a startup.
Drifting Apart
When I look back, I feel ashamed about how emptying it must have been to live with me. In my final year as a tax lawyer, when I got home each night, I would boot up my Macbook almost immediately. Then I would watch hours of videos and tutorials, teaching myself to code. Weekends? I spent them toying around with “the latest thing”, whatever that was. Building “to-D” app in every JavaScript framework available.
I never believed that she would leave me. She couldn’t. No way, not after all we had been together for so long. Not when we shared this dream of growing old together.
Turns out I had been living in denial. For years my beliefs and behaviour just didn’t line up. Important events? Forgot ’em. Attention and affection? Nope, no time for that. Surprising gifts or creative dates? Not a chance.
The Healing Process
It would be a miserable story if it ended right there, but thankfully there is more. I’ll be honest, the first 3 months after the breakup were gut-wrenching. When you are so used to being half of a whole, it’s hard to adjust to being alone again.
The second 3 months were actually pretty good. I got back into fitness and did some travel, and also practiced meditation. All were healing, the travel in particular. In June I stayed in Italy with family in a little villa about 45 minutes out of L’Aquilla. We traveled to Belgium for a friend’s wedding, which took place under a huge big-top tent in the middle of a winery not far out of Kortrijk.
Later, in September, I traveled to San Francisco with an old friend to attend the Code for America Annual Summit. I even got to meet Tim O’Reilly at the Code for America headquarters.
The Difference Between “Mr. Right” vs “Joe Average”
After much reflection it occurred to me that there’s a gap between what women expect and what most guys deliver. In almost every breakup one person is surprised, shocked even. “I thought were were good” is what they say. When I talked to other guys about breakups they had been through, they felt the same way. They didn’t think a breakup was possible.
This isn’t meant to be misogynistic, but many women really do fanaticise about “Mr. Right.” Popular culture is probably to blame. So many cartoons and movies reinforce the ideal of Prince Charming and the fairytale ending.
Mr. Right is the perfect guy who:
* understands her needs
* arranges interesting dates
* buys her unexpected gifts
* communicates his love
* remembers important dates
* exercises regularly
* dresses attractively
* is considerate and attentive
Have you ever met this guy? I haven’t. And I don’t think he exists. It’s like that old saying about fooling people… you can do some of these things all the time. But no guy can possibly do all the things all the time.
My Happy Ending
So, I have to admit that meditation, travel and general reflection wasn’t the only thing I did to heal the pain. I also downloaded a little app you might have heard of. Yes, Tinder. Tinder was never a hookup app for me, I’m not that kind of guy. But I found it a really efficient way to meet girls and line up dates, which was great because I could never be bothered filling out a profile on eHarmony or something like that.
I’d been using the app for about 6 months and had become pretty fussy… when all of a sudden, out of nowhere came Mrs Right. All I can say is WOW! This girl blew my mind.
After our first date I knew she was something special. And the past 6 months of dazzling dates proved it. We’ve ridden into the sunset together, been hot air ballooning, played croquet, drank Flaming Negroni’s at Melbourne’s best cocktail bar and organised romantic scavenger hunts for each other.
Don’t Screw This One Up!
I’m never going to make the same mistake again. Now I know that relationships are like a startup; you get out what you put in. When one “founder” feels they are creating more value than others, it’s a recipe for distress and disaster. For the relationship to be healthy you both need to put equal amounts of thoughtfulness, attention, and investment into it.
One of the biggest challenges is that men and women keep count of that investment in different ways. The difference is one of frequency vs. magnitude. Whereas women are often looking for small but regular displays of affection, attention and interest, guys tend to think it’s enough to make the occasional sweeping gesture. Newsflash, it isn’t.
In this way it’s a little like advertising and marketing. Frequency always trumps magnitude. Sure, it’s great to have your startup featured in Techcrunch or Mashable. But if you don’t have a strategy to keep regularly in front of people, that single high profile impression won’t have any lasting effect. To occupy a permanent place in people’s consciousness you’ve got to put yourselves in front of them constantly.
