Can you spot true love? My journey from abuse to healing
I’m tired of the abuses in the world and I need to do something about it. There are many women and children enduring not only the lack of love and attention but also psychological and/or physical abuse. And I believe the beginning of these abuses is ignorance. Many people don’t know how to recognize love.
Let me briefly tell my story from which I learned the most.
Until the age of 12, I grew up with a violent father and a strong, loving mother who served as both my mom and dad. My mother worked and took care of the house and us, while my father spent money on alcohol and cigarettes and, on top of that, physically and psychologically abused my mother.
Although there were many warning signs that my father would not be a good husband and father, my mother did not know how to recognize them. She endured a marriage filled with suffering and torment for 13 years so that I could have a father and hoping that he would change.
However, that never happened; he continued to be unworthy of the title of husband or father. Despite being blessed with a family, he never saw the value in his wife and daughter.
During the difficult marriage, my mother and I developed traumas that influenced our character. While my mother began to believe she was worthless, I felt the same way, not feeling accepted and loved by the first man in my life, my father, who had a duty and responsibility towards me.
I was like a timid little rabbit throughout my childhood, gaining courage only when I had to protect my mother by standing between them, pleading with my father to stop, or staying at their door at night like a guardian to ensure he wouldn't harm her. Until one day when I encouraged my mother to leave, and after she made sure it was truly what I wanted, we left and began a new life with God's help.
Of course, we left with a lot of emotional baggage that influenced our decisions and behaviors and still does.
Later, my mother found a good man with principles and values whom she married. On the other hand, I had different relationships in search of building a family. But having the fear of meeting someone like my father, my focus was to avoid violent individuals and those without a job, but that was it. Not knowing how to recognize love, I accepted partners with whom I was incompatible and who didn't see me as a valuable person. Thus, my fear of abandonment and rejection intensified with each relationship ending.
Everything changed when I started to believe in God, with His help, I saw my true value first, and I also learned what love should be:
1 Corinthians 13
4. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
5. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
6. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
7. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
Then everything became clearer when I started going to church and saw functional couples. And not just because they were Christians who knew their worth, but because before marriage, they implemented certain methods to ensure compatibility.
So, I began to look within myself to see what suits me and started studying in that direction. That's how I realized that a good heart, faith in God, initial love, etc., are not enough.
If you choose a person based only on physical attractions, what will happen when you start to argue? Usually when we argue with a person, we don’t like that person much so what are the reasons to go on then?
Compatibility is needed to endure a lifetime together. But I will write about this perspective in more detail in the future.
In conclusion, my journey from abuse to understanding love and recognizing its importance has been a profound one. It’s essential to break the cycle of abuse and ignorance, as my own experiences have shown. Recognizing love and seeking compatibility are keys to building lasting, healthy relationships. Stay tuned for more in-depth discussions on compatibility in future posts.
I invite you to share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below. I know it’s not easy, it wasn’t for me either ( it took me days to post this) but we need courage to fight the ignorance. I was ignorant too and I’m still learning, but if we are together sharing hope and love we can add quality to people’s lives and help them to realise that the first and last to decide is us. Not just for us, but for the children who pay the consequences of our choices.
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