Pompeii’s Graffiti: Roasting, Boasting, and Ghosting in Ancient Times

Pompeii’s Spiciest Clapbacks

It’s all fun and games until you find your own name. 😅 Image created by Author with Midjourney.

Welcome to ancient Pompeii, where the residents might have walked around in togas but weren’t too high and mighty to avoid slinging some mud — right onto their city walls.

Forget about the solemn history lessons for a moment; let’s dive into the juiciest, most scandalous bits of graffiti that Pompeii’s citizens left behind. It’s like scrolling through a particularly spicy social media feed, but etched in stone.

Where Political Burns Were Literal

Politics in Pompeii was as dirty as it gets, and if you thought your local election ads were harsh, Pompeii’s political scene was next level. Take, for instance, the Pompeiian equivalent of a roast:

“The one who buggers a fire burns his penis.”

Not exactly the nuanced political discourse you might expect from the ancient world, but effective? Definitely.

And if you’ve ever endorsed a candidate at a bar after one too many, you might find kinship with the Pompeiians who scribbled:

“All the late-night drinkers support Vatia for aedile.”

It’s like saying, “This guy knows what’s up,” but with that extra layer of drunken wisdom only found at 2 AM.

“Drunken Wisdom.” Image created by Author with Midjourney.

The Original Social Media Influencers

Before Instagram models, there was Celadus the Thracian gladiator, who was apparently so hot he had the following written about him:

“Celadus the Thracian makes all the girls sigh.”

Not a bad Tinder bio for a guy who probably fought lions before breakfast. Yes, ancient thirst traps were a thing, and Celadus was setting them left and right in the arena.

He probably wrote it himself.

Oh, Celadus, you stud muffin, you. *sigh* 😍 Image created by Author with Midjourney.

NSFW: Not Safe for Work, Then and Now

When it comes to NSFW content, ancient Pompeii had it in spades. Imagine walking down the street and reading this:

“Weep, you girls. My penis has given you up. Now it penetrates men’s behinds. Goodbye, wondrous femininity!”

Great to know, now we can all sleep better at night. After all the weeping, that is. 👍🙄

Or this:

“Restituta, take off your tunic, please, and show us your hairy privates.”

Direct? Absolutely. Effective? Who’s to say, but these statements definitely add a new layer to the concept of pubic — I mean public — announcements.

Saucy Restituta. 😉 Image created by Author with Midjourney.

Then there’s the occasional cheeky reply:

“I’m amazed, O wall, that you haven’t collapsed in ruins, you who support the tedious scribbles of so many writers.”

Even back then, people were critics of every form of public declaration. Or perhaps they were just as sick of reading other people’s personal business as we are on today’s social media.

This guy is just sick of reading everyone’s shit. Image created by Author with Midjourney.

The Ancient Art of Trolling

What these snippets of ancient life show us is that the Romans were the original trolls, roasters, and social commentators. They used the walls of Pompeii as their canvas to throw shade, flirt outrageously, and vent about politics in ways that would make even the boldest Twitter user blush.

So next time you see a particularly spicy tweet or a bold piece of street art, remember the citizens of Pompeii. They may have lived two millennia ago, but their love for a good roast, a steamy call-out, and political banter shows that some things never change.

Whether etched in stone or tweeted into the ether, humans have always had a knack for leaving their mark — one hilariously bawdy comment at a time.

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