1 Girl, 6 Chairs: Why Chivalry Is Dead

Y’all.

When I start off a blog post with “y’all”, just know that I’m tight lol.

Matter fact, I’m HEATED -Beyoncé voice-.

I have absolutely no reason as a full fledged adult to let people have control over my emotions, but today, the pettiness in me is ravaging like a 3-year old at the video game section of a Toys R’ Us.

I’m sitting at Unos writing this on my iPhone 14 as a coping method to my annoyance: I’ll give myself a pat on the back for not choosing any latter methods of emotional management.

See, this is why I don’t have a Twitter account anymore (I deleted in back in 2013 shortly after experiencing the Boston Marathon Bombing). I would be talking too much mess on that thang. Humans really get to me sometimes.

And you know what? The event itself isn’t something astronomically shifting to the point where I should still be reminiscing on it seven hours after it commenced, but hey: I still have a lot to learn; I’m in my prime.

Balance, baby.

Anecdote: 1 Girl, 6 Chairs

So I turned 28 today.

I was awoken around 1am today to the normal lower pelvic pain I experience due to the symptoms of Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS — check out my other blog post for more detail on this); what a great way to start off my born-day, huh?

I’ve dealt with this for a little over a year now, so I have just come to terms with the symptomologies: sad to say, but the pain and I have now become “one”; I am a self-proclaimed MASTER of “suffering in silence” — my life could be in the upmost turmoil, but in the eyes of the public, I will always trot the biggest smile on my face.

The pain had been present, in an excruciating sense, for over a week prior to my big 28th, so it wasn’t a huge surprise that I woke up in the middle of the night hugging my pillow in agony.

By the time the clock turned 5am, and I had gotten adequate sleep, the pain subsided, and I was getting my things together for work.

This entire week, I was placed on a site that differed from my normal working quarters because I volunteered to train on processes that paralleled to clinical batches my company was planning on running back at my normal worksite.

I drove, as planned, 33 minutes up North of Massachusetts to my second work site, and gowned into the suite after settling in one of the conference rooms.

Y’all. Let me tell you:

My line of work is predominantly male. I have absolutely no problem with that: I have accepted the fact a longggggg time ago that I will ALWAYS be a minority EVERYWHERE I go. As a young, black female in the sciences, it is a priority for me to be treated equally to my white, male counterparts. I would never necessarily want any special treatment or unnecessary validation from ANYONE, because I hope and pray that the systems set in place are equitable enough that I would receive and exude the same opportunities as everyone else, HOWEVER, all factors set aside, there are some things in my personal opinion that will always hold true ethically.

In terms of mindset, I am very traditional.

Absolutely not traditional like:

• “Omg I hate these groups of people and I want to see them burn.”

Or

• “oh my, is she wearing PANTS?!”

Or like

• “I want to stay home indefinitely and watch the kids”.

(There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with any of partaking in any of the last two, by the way. Hating masses of people? Mmmm that’s a problem. However, that’s a topic for another time).

I don’t like labels, and I don’t like to categorize myself fully, but if I did (in regards to general, societal views, not politics) I would sort of call myself a progressive traditionalist.

I believe in all that is right, just, and fair, and I am quite the liberal, but I also stay true to some personal values, morals, and principles.

I’m going somewhere with this, I promise.

Anyways:

I gowned in with my full PPE on, coat and all, and as I walk into the suite, I spot a sea full of males working on one of the filtration systems we have.

No biggie. All in a days work.

We ended up having delays with the process due to technical errors, so we all took a physical pause from observations.

I, the only female in the room, proceeds to stand to wait for the commencement of the process, and people (people as in males in the room) proceed to take a load off and sit in some of the lab chairs in the room.

Now, I am VERY independent (it’s the Capricorn in me, I swear) so naturally, after a moment of chatting it up with one of my coworkers, I push past some of the men to see if there is an open seat available for me to sit in.

Nothing.

I go back to my little corner and start scrolling through my phone to keep myself visually stimulated.

After a few minutes, I make the mental realization that the activity of scrolling through my phone is completely MINDLESS, so I look up to get a pulse of the room:

There were six men. All sitting on black swivel chairs. And then there was me.

I will attempt to give this scenario the benefit-of-the-doubt here: six of the men were all on their phones. And my body was sort of (but sort of not, ha) tucked in a corner of the room.

I proceeded to scan the room to see if someone would notice the fact that a WHOLE FEMALE was standing in place while the others were all sitting comfortably in a chair. They did in fact periodically lift their heads as they proceeded to converse with one another, but not one inquired about my need to sit!

Not one!

Wow.

Thirty minutes passed by. Still sitting.

An hour. All still seated.

An hour and A HALF. NOTHING.

My flat feet started to ache. I was desperate, so I started to lean on a tote that contained one of our process buffers for support. I needed something to alleviate the strain. Anything. And to make matters worse: the pelvic pain from my IBS was coming back, AND my bladder was full of urine. ANNND I was scheduled to have my monthly cycle in three days.

Needless to say, my fuse was burning.

After almost TWO HOURS of standing, I spotted a metal STEP STOOL tucked underneath one of the benches. I grab it, and sat.

CHILEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Y’all, I’m not going to lie: I am a tad bit worried for the next generation of men. Is it just me? Seriously: is it really just meeeee?!

I grew up in a generation where boys opened doors.

Boys kept the same foot pace.

Boys paid the tab.

Boys pulls out chairs.

Boys called and texted first.

Boys stood watch.

Boys pumped gas.

Boys sat in the drivers seat.

Boys were protectors. Providers. Procurers.

But I am getting the inclination that it’s not like that now. And to be honest, I ain’t with it.

In fact, would never, ever, EVER allow myself to share a space with someone long-term who was anything but.

Trust me, I GET IT, I truly do: there is an immense pressure on men to excel in every aspect and every realm of life; it’s impossible to keep up with the standards set in place. However, I can not, and will not, use that as an excuse to perpetuate an agenda that is anything less of pure excellence (i.e doing one’s best and/or trying one’s hardest; being chivalrous, in my opinion, is one of the many ways one exudes their top-tier capabilities).

Y’all, I hope I am not coming off like the bitter black girl.

When a seat was not volunteered, I was shocked, but I was not surprised.

You see, there were a couple of things, in my personal opinion, wrong in this situation. Let me break it down:

1. Length of Time — I came into the room late (around 8:30am EST; my car was on E), and I found everyone already hovering over a chair. All individuals sat on the same chairs for a little over three hours in total before lunchtime came around.

Issue: no rotation of seats took place. If you’d like to sit, that’s fine! Ensure all employees have the same opportunity: sit for a period of time, then pass the chair along.

2. Number of Employees — there were, including myself, eight (8) people in total in the room. Six (6) were seated, one (1) was actively troubleshooting the process, and one (1, myself) was standing.

Issue: oversaturation; there just weren’t enough chairs.

And again, sorry, but if there are six men seated, and not one opened their mouth to ask a female if she wanted a seat for a moment, that’s kind of a problem. At least for me, it is.

Am I jumping the gun by paralleling this one isolated incident to the lack of chivalry? Probably. I am not using this one incident to make assumptions on an entire group of people, but I am in fact using this as an example of how I believe there is an extreme decrease in behaviors deemed as mighty and masculine: these incidents experienced do indeed have correlations to the lack thereof.

What could I have done in this specific situation: should I have asked for a seat to sit on if I was really that exhausted?

Yeah, but then chivalry would have been taking out of the equation, and I just don’t like that.

I want and need the compassion behind the action.

Plus, I’m prideful, and I don’t like petty handouts.

I’ve been tossing this word chivalry around quite a bit. What does it mean to be chivalrous, anyway?

Chivalry, a code of conduct stemming from Europe between 1170 and 1220, is a system of religious, moral, and social guidelines that men (specifically knights) were expected to abide by. These guidelines were originally established not to benefit a particular gender, but because there were unnecessary violence between military personnel during the medieval period. The word pulls from the French word “chevalerie” — ”horse solidarity”. It evolved during the Frankish-dominated empire of the Early Middle Ages, and encompasses all that is deemed to be brave, noble, and honorable.

Chivalry, now, is not contingent on your occupation: the term is used to describe notable actions and behaviors taken by men (or someone who identifies as a man), particularly in the realm of dating and relationships.

Why Is Chivalry “Dead”?

Don Quixote, a Spanish novel written in the early 1600s, is noted as one of the most popular pieces of literature ever written. The novel centers around Don Quixote de la Mancha, a hidalgo who spends his livelihood alongside his squire trying to revive chivalry and nobly be a representative for his country. This novel received much accolade, but many people in the world of literature used the novel to point out the over-exaggerations within the chivalric code. Poets, like Lord Byron, painted chivalry as imaginative and unrealistic: chivalry makes the assumption that the world, and the people in it, are lust-less, pure, and monogamous. Its been noted after much study of this publication, and similar ones thereafter (i.e. The Three Musketeers) that chivalry lies upon a bed of inequality: it was concluded that the capabilities men and women shared were not equal, in any sense of the word. Women were damsels in distress, and they needed to be rescued by a knight in shining armor.

That will never be the case.

At the height of feminism, and with the growth of workforce diversity, women are now placing themselves in positions where their voices are finally being heard, actions are being positively mimicked, and independence is being praised.

Chivalry is dead, because the polarizing views that once existed towards genders are being erased.

With all this being said, my question now to myself is:

Is it even possible for a man to be chivalrous without being unbiased?

In my opinion, yes.

I previously stated that the foundation of chivalry is inequality. If a man removes his layers of biases, and is consciously aware of the intent behind his action(s), then I personally would not deem his actions as “malicious” or discriminatory.

Lets go back to the situation above and use it as an example:

If I came into the room, and immediately after my arrival, I was:

• told, targeted, instructed, or felt pressured to sit
• given a seat while there were other seats available
• given a seat when I was not actively searching for one
• given a seat when there was not a need to sit for the tasks at hand

then I would personally stamp whomever actions (based on this particular situation) as biased.

If however, I came into the room, and after some time of standing, I was asked and/or offered a seat, while:

• there were not other seats available
• I was actively searching
• there was a need

then I would equate the action as unbiased and un-discriminatory: there’s a want, need, and level of availability here.

At the end of the day, rapper Taelor Gray said it best:

All we can contribute is compassion

Just be nice, ya’ll! That’s really all I am asking for.

I love chivalry when it’s done properly. I do believe the fade of chivalry also comes from fear of being seen as sexist: its sort of this tug-of-war we are playing here; damned if you do, and damned if you don't.

Again, I get it. I really do.

I just want a seat next time.