Here’s Why That Man in Your DMs Should Pick Up the Tab, Everytime: A Synopsis on Enneagrams, Gendered-Racism, and Their Effects on the Black Superhero Schema

I had my first big, BIG GIRL job two months shy of three years ago: beforehand, all occupational activities I have participated in have basically been purely academic; I have been in (paid) internship after internship after internship from the moment I matriculated into the seventh grade. I, thus, do not have too much experience in the workforce, but I am soaking up all the experiences that I have, since then, been granted with. I previously did not have the most amazing track record with finances (I was suuuuper financially immature, trust and believe) but after graduate school, the responsibility list grew longer, and I had no other choice but to make wiser decisions pertaining to my financial health. I have now hit three personal financial tiers since starting to actively save in 2019 (currently working on my fourth), and I can confidently now say that I am at a space where I can enjoy life freely (within my means, of course: I’m not in the NBA).

I must say: ya girl definitely has been enjoying the fruits of her labor. Naaa’mean?

I have always bore a mature soul. I have always been intrigued by more mature things (or things deemed as mature by society). In the past year or two, I have made it a priority of putting myself first and ensuring that I “pay myself” (as my friend says) adequately.

I like nice things:

• I like to eat at nice restaurants, from time to time (yall, Unos and Yard House both have me in a chokehold, oddly enough. Send help!)
• I like getting treatments at medical spas.
• I like shopping online (TJ Maxx will always have my heart).
• I like going to concerts. And paint nights. And networking mixers.
• I like partaking in photoshoots.
• I like wearing fancy sandals.
• I like long weekend trips to DC and Chicago. And driving a nice car when I’m there.
• I like getting my hair done. And my nails. Eyebrows, too.

All’a dat.

Name a young lady who doesn’t. I’ll wait.

Long story short: if I want something, I will pay for it. I will not let money be a limiting factor if the acquisition of this “something” is financially feasible.

To serve as an example:

I personally like getting my car detailed about 2–3 times a year (every 4–6 months). I pay $150 (was originally $120) for this service.

Is it necessary? Not really: I could easily pick up some soap, wax, and a brush and do it myself. However, having it done by a professional saves me time, reduces responsibility, and having a clean car keeps me sane. I’m grown: I’m sure I can scrap up an average of $40/month to keep my vehicle in pristine condition. Just sayin’.

With all that being said, I am sure you can infer the level of independence I carry: I absolutely do not rely on anyone for anything. I like doing things on my own, and I like having my own; I like the sense of accomplishment that comes alongside achievement, large or minute.

Note: This is not to assume that one cannot achieve something if it is not done independently: I truly believe it takes a village to raise a child. I just simply enjoy marching to my own drum.

A coworker of mine recently introduced me to The Enneagram, a psychological, sociological, and philosophical typing model composed of a set of nine personalities categorized by philosopher Oscar Ichazo in the 1950s, whos characteristics are rooted in someone’s (1) deepest fears and (2) unyielding motivators. Derived from ancient Greek philosophy, as well as Buddism, Islam, Christianity, and Taoism, these nine personality “types” “are all defined by a core belief about the world, based on a person’s inherent essence and childhood experience” (A Full Guide To The 9 Enneagram Types & Their Wings). Having an understanding of your Enneagram “type” can give you insight on your overall behavior. Each of the nine personalities are boxed into three general “centers” (making a geometric triad):

• The Instinctive Center: “The Gut Types”; Types one, eight, and nine, whose dominant emotion tends to be anger or rage; these individuals are known to have strong gut feelings that deal with their expression, repression, denial, and anger.
• The Feeling Center: “The Heart Types”; Types two, three, and four, whose dominant emotion is typically shame; these individuals deal with their experience of shame — and how they deny, control, or express those feelings of worth and shame — from a feeling or heart-centered place.
• The Thinking Center: “The Head Types”: Types five, six, and seven, whose dominant emotion is most often fear; those who deal with the experience of fear through analysis, distraction, flight, or withdrawing themselves.

(Sources: The Skimm, Mind Body Green Mindfulness)

Enneagram types, divided into the nine types and sixteen “wings” (i.e. personality overlaps into another Enneagram type) (Source: Personality Max)

I fall within (after testing online) a Type 3 personality: The Achiever/Performer. I am driven by sheer success. I fear being seen as worthless.

Makes sense.

The conscious and subconscious characteristics of a Type 3 Enneagram (Source: Deep Living Institute)

I am saying alllllllllllllll this to reiterate the fact that I probably act the way I act, and I like what I like, for a reason (the reason, being, that I am afraid of being seen as imperfect and un-impeccable).

One could question if my interests (bulleted above) are a determinant of success: well, yes and no.

• Yes, because society unfortunately links success with materialism.
• No, because status and materialism are not equitable with success. Success is also very objective.

Unfortunately, I think harboring this mindset for so long has caused me to sustain a “Superwoman”-type aura. I think independence is key in growth, but I also think dependency is needed to diversify ones thought processes and experiences. Again, it really does take a village. I am so tired of being the superhero in my own story. It has come to a point where I feel like I physically do not know how to share my personal space and time with others: it’s sooooo foreign to me. I literally do just about everything myself, and I would rather choke than ask for assistance (unless its from a immediate family member: that, I do not mind as much). Being a “superwoman” is problematic, because it simply is impossible to keep up with.

(Note: I am not making the assumption that all individuals facing a Superwoman-like persona are Type 3 Enneagrams; I just think the similarities are something to take note of.)

The term “Superhero Syndrome” is a psychological ideology in which an individual strives to be a knight-in-shining-armor — for everyone. People possessing/undergoing this condition self-sacrifice, say “yes” to everything, exhausts themselves to the core with tasks, and undermine the gravity of situations due to their overconfidence. These acts are fueled by the desire to do what is right, needing accolades, and having a sense of responsibility.

The definition of the word “hero” within this coined term is quite interesting:

Hero [ heer-oh ] noun

1. a person who is admired or idealized for courage, outstanding achievements, or noble qualities.

Sound familiar? I smell a Type 3 Enneagram cooking.

Sadly enough, one can see, throughout time, that this ideology has been permanently “idolized” within the black community, amongst all other races. Specifically, in regards to the totem pole of society, black women hold the championship title for being the Clark Kents and Peter Parkers in their families, friend groups, workplaces, and communities.

Gendered Racism encompasses this — the perpetuations of this “heroic” idolization within the black, female community is toxic: this idea of black women being indefinitely strong, powerful, promiscuous, overly-compassionate and invincible oppresses the entire group when they are unable to live up to the expectation. Its culturally stereotypical and discriminatory.

A list of themes and subthemes within the larger scope of Gendered Racism and Racial Microaggressions. Lewis lists two (2) main projected stereotypes (subthemes) of black women (Source: Lewis et al. 2016).

The Superhero Syndrome perpetuates a false, biased narrative that goes hand-in-hand with gendered racism: black women are not monolithic. We should be allowed to exude moments of weakness, vulnerability, and incompetence.

Dr. Raquel Martin, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, professor, and scientist explains the signs and symptomologies of Superhero/Superwoman Syndrome (Source: Youtube).

A 2010 study (Woods-Giscombé) highlighted the disproportionately high rates of adverse health conditions that black women face, and links these disproportions in health disparities to social, political, and economic stressors.

To give historical and socioeconomic context to the Superhero ideology, Woods states:

The concept of Superwoman developed partially as a result of African American women’s efforts to counteract negative societal characterizations of African American womanhood (such as “Mammy,” “Jezebel,” and “Welfare Queen”) and to highlight unsung attributes that developed and continue to exist despite oppression and adversity (Beauboeuf-Lafontant, 2003; Harris-Lacewell, 2001). In this concept, the sociopolitical context of African American women’s lives, specifically the climate of racism, race-and gender-based oppression, disenfranchisement, and limited resources — during and after legalized slavery in the United States — forced African American women to take on the roles of mother, nurturer, and breadwinner out of economic and social necessity. In other words, being a Superwoman has been a necessity for survival (Mullings, 2006).

The study further connects the volun-told role of black women to the lack of financial and emotional support of black men, due to historical disenfranchisement and familial compromisation.

A later study (Woods-Giscombé et al. 2016) backs up the symptomologies listed in Dr. Raquel Martin’s video above: partaking in a “Superhero/Superwoman” role “involves perceived obligations to:

• project strength,
• suppress emotions,
• resist feelings of vulnerability and dependence,
• succeed despite limited resources, and
• prioritize caregiving over self-care”.

Interestingly enough, as subtly mentioned prior, this ideology is seriously harmful to one’s physiological health. According to the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), Black women are more likely to experience obesity, cardiovascular diseases, and other stress-related conditions. The Superwoman Schema (SWS — a fancy term for a graphical representation of this Superwoman Syndrome) diagrams the neurological affects that abiding by a Superhero-type persona has.

Shining a Light on the Superwoman Schema and Maternal Health (Bond et al.)

Woods has furthered her research in 2022, and published the effects that Superwoman Syndrome has on a cellular level: being a superwoman, fueled by general, gendered-racism, can be theorized to contribute to shorter telomeres amongst African-American women.

Y’all, being a superhero is lethal.

(Quick side-note: Woods-Giscombé has focused a large portion of her research on the effects that this Superwoman Syndrome has on African-American communities; please do take a moment to look into her research if that area of work excites you. I have hyperlinked the peer-reviewed papers of hers mentioned above throughout this blog post).

Now, what does all of this have to do with men and bills?

When someone receives a bill, ticket, tab, or statement, it is a physical representation of a debt to be paid. One of the biggest indicators of financial stability is the capability and/or means of extinguishing said debt. On the opposite site, one of the other indicators of financial stability is the ability to accrue — building, and sustaining, wealth.

Superhero Syndrome, as a summary, incorporates the expectation to perform; this includes finances.

I find the statement above (a debt to be paid) quite ironic — its a personification of how exactly I feel black women take on this role of becoming some fictional superhero: black women work hard, and people-please, and excrete blood as tears, and do alllllllll these things, to prove and be purposeful. To pay off a debt. A long-winded, archival debt.

Can I say this though? Men exude and suffer from heroic-like symptomologies, too. I would never want to negate that. Men have their own set of issues to deal with. Black women, however, are at the top of this heroic hierarchy.

(I love this series, the Men’s Roundtable, by Black Love; I used to watch it all the time on the Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN). These panelists discuss the societal pressures of being a black man. Please watch the entire season, if you can!)

Skyh Black, Seth Brundle, Alimi Ballard and Enitan Bereola join the roundtable with Glen Henry to discover the role of men in partnership, and where & what they have learned to be a partner/husband. (Source: Youtube)

I can only speak from experience (I am not, and can not, be the voice for all black women). But, again, as stated, there is an expectation to perform.

• When a black woman is at her place of work, she is expected to perform.
• When a black woman is at home with her partner and children, she is expected to perform.
• When a black woman is at school, she is expected to perform.
• When a black woman is at a place of worship, she is expected to perform.
• When a black woman is out and about, she is expected to perform.
• When a black woman is simply BEING, she. is. expected. to. perform.

When does the performance end?

The problem with performance, and this Schema, is that, similar to people who exude a Type 3 Enneagram, it does so with the high hopes of receiving validation.

We need to stop performing. The show must end. There comes a point in time where the curtains must close.

When a woman decides to pay a physical tab, in any format, in any situation, the act of payment can be seen as one of two ways (well, at least in my perspective):

(1) she has a genuine desire, for any reason, and the financial capability, to pay

(2) she is showcasing her CAPE-abilities (see what I did there?)

Is a man or partner to blame? No, not necessarily (every event in time is situational). This Schema, I believe, is so rooted in our subconscious that wearing a cape has become disgustingly innate.

If we want to ever shy away from this condition, the cape must come off.

How can one dismember the Superhero identity, and stop this continuous stageplay? Let’s specifically hone in on finances:

• Share the financial responsibilities. — You do not have to pay for everything and everyone: sit back, and keep your card in your wallet. You are not everyone’s moral obligation.

This is my main point: I personally am so quick to whip out my card to pay for a meal, because I subconsciously want to show that I “got it like that”. How about if I do? How about if I dont? That is only for me to determine: no one should be determining my capabilities and level of performance for me. I am no one’s responsibility, yes, however, there needs to be a sense of awareness of this overall Schema sitewide: acknowledgement is always one of the first steps to changing a narrative.

• Be financially vulnerable. — Be open to those you trust about where you stand financially. Everyone has bills. Everyone has debt.
• Be realistic about your financial goals — Set the bar where achievable. Where achievable. WHERE ACHIEVABLE.
• Set expectations for you and you only. — You come first. You create your own future; do not give anyone else the power to write your story.

And if someone is not honoring you just being, best believe this:

You got millions of buckets to choose from, sweethaaaat.